POP & SODA

The Labor Story - Part 2

2010-05-30T14:45:00.007-04:00

I've spent the last year reviewing the day of Cooper's birth in my head so that I could write it down accurately but it's starting to fade so I better get this down ASAP. Here's what happened:

So, I was all settled into my lovely hospital room. I had a thing on one of my left hand fingers to monitor my blood oxygenation, and an IV in my left arm. My right arm had a blood pressure cuff that measured my pressure every 15 minutes. My belly had two bands around it; one to measure my contractions and one to measure the baby's heartbeat. I was uncomfortable. The contractions were coming fairly frequently and they said that they were relatively strong but I could not feel them.

Before the IV was set up the nurse talked to me about what is going to be in it; it would be magnesium sulfate. She told me that this was absolutely necessary as my PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) had become full blown preeclampsia and the magnesium would prevent seizures. The nurse let me know, though, that the magnesium drip was not a pleasant business. It would make me feel strange and she told me that it often makes moms-to-be very, very angry (oh good!). Also, it has a tendency to make the baby not want to eat after it is born...this would turn out to be a big problem later, although fortunately we did not know it yet.

So, once all of this is set up a doctor came in to see us and discuss what she felt that we should do. Rather than starting a Pitocin drip (I can't remember why) she wants to give me this tiny quarter of a white pill and put it in between my lip and gum. She instructed me how to do it and says 'put it in like men put in their chew, you know?' I said that I didn't and Paul had to explain to her that I'm from Canada so it was true, I had never seen anyone use chew before (I have now...GROSS). I put the little pill in my mouth and the doctor checked all of my lines and drips and bands and then suggested that Paul and I try to sleep for a while. There was a couch that folded out next to the bed and Paul said that it was remarkably comfortable. The staff at the hospital were fantastic and they brought us all the bedding and everything else that we could possibly want so we got as cozy as we could and tried to sleep.

Unfortunately, every 30 minutes or so I had to pee (since my IV was pumping massive quantities of liquid into me) and so I would have to wake Paul up and he would have to help me slide over to the bathroom with all of the contraptions stuck to me. After a couple of hours the doctor came back and checked me out - I was not dilated at all. She suggested that we repeat the whole procedure over again so I got another teeny pill and was told to try going to sleep again. By now my blood pressure was getting dangerously high, though, so I was also told to try and lie on my left side as much as possible. I could not imagine ever being more uncomfortable!

Two hours of the same passed and the doctor checked me again and this time I was dilated a whole centimeter. My contractions were apparently coming regularly but I often couldn't feel them at all. We repeated this entire process again and found that I was two centimeters dilated...none of us were happy with this, it clearly wasn't working.

Around this time, I believe it was, the doctor inserted a catheter into me. Have you ever had a catheter inserted? Good Lord it is painful. The doctor sat down with us and asked what we wanted to do since the little pills were not really working at all. She suggested that we begin a Pitocin drip but I was a bit stressed out. I was SO hungry and hadn't been allowed to eat or drink for around 12 hours now, also, not to be all TMI here but I had to poop and couldn't do it with all of the stuff attached to me. Finally, we came up with an idea. The doctor would take off all of my stuff and allow me 15 minutes to poop and take a quick shower. Then she would hook me back up only with the belly bands and blood pressure cuff so I could be a bit more comfortable while I ate a meal. She said that she would give me two hours after eating to relax and digest and then we would begin this business in earnest with the Pitocin drip.

The doctor told us that she would be back in a bit to unhook me but a few minutes later she came back and said that she had another idea. She said that she wanted to use a technique that isn't used very often but that she felt would be helpful in this case. She was going to insert a Foley catheter. I wasn't excited about another catheter procedure since the other one was so awful but she felt that it was our best option so I agreed. She said that it worked like this: She inserts a balloon into me and it slowly inflates, as it inflates it mimics the pressure of the baby's head on my cervix (since the baby wasn't doing it's job!) which should cause me to dilate and efface...basically fooling my body into thinking that the baby was trying to come down.

We did not know it at the time but this was going to be the beginning of the end...although in a very different way than we thought.

One

2010-05-29T20:13:00.002-04:00

So, yeah, the kid is about to turn one so I guess I have no excuse not to blog anymore! In fact I've been itching to get back into it since I can't always cram Paul's ridiculous stories into the 400 or whatever characters that my Facebook status allows.

Paul is still at the same job. I got laid off from my job while on maternity leave and I'm still looking for a job that is right for me and will pay enough to cover daycare costs and still have a little left over. We had to send Smeagol off to live in a pug rescue in Nashville since her allergies had gotten to the point where she can now only eat kangaroo meat and we were unable to meet her needs. Apparently she is doing great at the rescue though and lives in a house with 5 other pugs (heaven, huh?) Waffles is still nervous and massive. Cooper is STUPID cute and just got a buzz cut in preparation for his first birthday and the long, hot summer ahead.

Hopefully I'll have more time to post from now on and I promise to post some pics of my cuties soon.

By the way, I've been trying to fix my template for over a year and was unsuccessful. However, I am typing this on a Mac and had no trouble fixing the template here. Go figure.

The Labor Story - Part I of ??

2009-11-20T13:38:00.007-04:00

On June 8th I went to the OB/GYN for my 38 week appointment (although I was two days shy of 38 weeks). I was slightly nervous because my BP had been sporadically rather high, but it hadn't been too bad the last time so I wasn't feeling too bad. I went to an OB where there were numerous doctors and you didn't always get the one you wanted but that day I had made the appointment with Dr. M. who we LOVED. Dr. M was the one who guided us through our miscarriage, and then when we got pregnant again he guided us through my subchorionic hemorrhage and broke the news to us last year that I had to stay in bed and couldn't go to Canada. He was utterly kind and wonderful and a TERRIFIC doctor.

I had my ultrasound and blood draw and urine analysis and internal exam and then Dr. M. asked us to meet him in his office (which is what he does and was not ominous). We sat down and the doctor said 'what are you doing later tonight?' We knew what this mean - induction. I was not dilated at all and the baby had not dropped but he was an estimated 5 pounds 9 ounces and my blood pressure was sky high (I can't remember anymore how high...but scary). The doctor asked us a few questions and we asked a few back and I was scheduled to be induced at midnight that night. Dr. M. called to schedule the induction while we sat there and he used a lot of abbreviations that I didn't know but checked on the minute we got home. I was SGpositive (Strep G positive - not a big deal for mama, lots of people are Strep G positive, but a big deal for baby, I would need to be put on antibiotics to make sure that I didn't pass the virus on to Cooper), had PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension), and Cooper was SGA (small for gestational age).

We walked out of that office in a daze. We couldn't quite wrap our minds around what was going on. As we walked to the car we each pulled out our cell phones and called our respective jobs and mothers. Then I determined that since we were not going to have alone time for quite a while I wanted to go to Olive Garden for lunch. We did and I had apricot chicken and angel hair pasta with Alfredo sauce and it was very good!

After we got home I did some frantic hospital bag packing, arranged to take the dogs to a boarding kennel, tidied the house, made phone calls and then took a nap. While I did that Paul The Procrastinator went to the fire station and got help installing the car seat correctly. Fortunately I had preregistered for the hospital already so that was done. After all of that was said and done we took some pictures of my pregnant belly and then at around 10:30 we headed for the hospital.

I will spare you the pics in a sports bra so you do not have to see the approximately 40 stretch marks across my belly. Thanks Coopie!

We got the the hospital at around 11:30 and were told that we could wait in the 'family room'. We didn't expect the wait to be long but it was INTERMINABLE and we didn't get called in until after 1:30 am as I recall. In the meantime we had to listen to other people's obnoxious family members and, the television was set to FOX STINKIN' NEWS which caused me to become apoplectic with rage about every 15 minutes or so and start storming around the room leaving what was probably a palpable trail of ANNOYANCE in my wake. No one should have to sit in a room at 1 in the morning waiting to have a child and be stuck listening to Bill O'Reilly. Lord help me.

Eventually I was called in but Paul was told he had to wait. We thought that was odd but it turned out that they needed to ask me all sorts of questions like 'are you afraid to spend time alone with your husband' and 'are you afraid to go home after this with your husband'. I indicated that I was not and then had to answer about another hundred questions, give blood and pee, get into my gown, get a blood pressure cuff attached to my arm, an IV into the other arm and get the monitors attached to my belly. Finally another nurse came into our (very nice) room and announced that Paul was going to come in whether we were ready or not because he was about to knock down the door. I was really touched by that and Paul was in near panic mode when he finally got to come in because nobody had explained to him why he was not allowed in for the beginning. But, now we were settled in, had met our nurses and were ready to go.

Wow, that's unattractive. Toward the middle of my pregnancy the hormones kicked in and gave me GORGEOUS, smooth, perfect skin for a few months. Then in the last month or two new hormones kicked in that made my rosacea F-L-A-R-E like you would not believe. Oh, wait, you would, you can see it right there! And it is still just as bad now that the baby is 5+ months old! Whee!

2009-10-26T15:46:00.005-04:00

Hi, I'm still alive. I'm working hard to catch up on everything including Facebook and this blog but it is slow going. Miss you all and I will try to write here at least sometimes.

Btw - Terry Wolf - I replied to your email and your email addy is no longer valid. Email me again, I would love to catch up!

Here are some grainy, uncropped pictures:

Super Duper Cooper

2009-08-05T12:24:00.002-04:00

I seriously don't have the time or energy to post here but I wanted to say that Cooper was eight weeks old yesterday and he is doing fine. He was circumcised last week and promptly got a urinary tract infection so he is on antibiotics and they make his tummy feel yuck but other than that he is doing well. He sleeps a -bit- better by now and he is smiling at me a lot and lifting his head amazingly well. Here are some pics:

He had to get an ultrasound and looked awfully cute lying on the giant bed waiting for the technician...

A favorite picture of mine. He HATES the car but he actually fell asleep once so I snapped a pic that got both his milky little face and CRAZY STUPID ADORABLE feet.

His wrists are too small for the wrist rattles (although he is nine pounds now) so I tried them on his ankles. He was not a fan.

Busy looking like my dad.

Sorry the pics are all blurry... I can never force myself to go get my camera but the cell phone is always there so that's how the pics get taken.

2009-07-15T13:11:00.003-04:00

Lord have mercy things are busy with a new baby. I just have five minutes here as Cooper is already stirring from his nap and I have not yet finished the bill paying which was on this naptimes to-do list but I wanted to let you all know that Cooper is doing fine. He is sleeping a bit better and so am I and I have a friend who has been helping me quite a bit and she adores Coopie so that helps a lot. We have been pathetic at taking pictures but as life is now beginning to settle in we will try hard to take more and then post some...I swear!

Oh, and he had his one month checkup (he was five weeks yesterday) and he is gaining weight nicely - 7 pounds 6 ounces - and is in the 5th percentile now (when he was born he was below the lowest percentile). Way to grow, Cooper!

2009-06-26T06:57:00.003-04:00

Cooper doesn't sleep. We have taken him to the doctor three times already to try and determine what is wrong. He eats well, he is gaining weight, he doesn't cry a lot but he never fucking sleeps. Paul is taking him for me as much as he can but he got stuck working 12 hour days this week so there is only so much he can do. How long can a person go without sleep? Even when he does sleep it is only in my arms or Paul's arms and when we put him down he sleeps for 5 minutes and then wakes up pissed off. Suggestions? Help, please, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I've had maybe 8 hours of sleep this entire week and that's probably a generous guess.

And do NOT tell me that this is normal newborn behaviour. It is not. Normal newborns average 16 hours of sleep per day, Cooper is averaging two.

Cooper Isaak

2009-06-23T15:26:00.005-04:00

Hey Folks, I'm sorry that I haven't updated everyone. Cooper is two weeks old tolday, he has been home since last Wednesday and he appears to be doing very well. Unfortunately he is not a happy boy, the doctor thinks that he has really bad acid reflux and has started on medicine but it may be a few days before he feels better if that is indeed his problem. He is an adorable boy and we are totally in love but he is...difficult. Some days he sleeps nothing more than the odd catnap on our chests. Meanwhile I'm still trying to heal up and Paul is back at work - neither of which are easy when we get no sleep.

Anyway, we will update you as soon as we can but that is why we haven't been around in any way. Like I said, Cooper is a beautiful boy and appears to be recovering very nicely from his premature birth and stay in the NICU but things are extremely difficult around here due to the circumstances that I mentioned and the fact that we don't know anyone to help us at all here.

I hope this makes sense :p

15 days early but still perfect

2009-06-15T11:46:00.003-04:00

On Tuesday June 9th at 9:25 pm I had an emergency C-section and Cooper Isaak was born into this world (Isaak was my paternal grandfather's name). He was 5 pounds 1 ounce and 17.5 inches. I was discharged from the hospital on Friday but our Cooper is still in the NICU. He appears to be doing fairly well but will need to stay there for a bit yet. We have lots of pictures but not much energy or time to get them from the camera to the computer. The NICU is 45 minutes away in good traffic so we spend the day with him and then go home and crash.

We are totally in love and all the pain and scariness and as-yet-unknown cost is so totally worth it. Being a mom is just as wonderful as I always knew it would be.

I will update lots more as my pain diminishes and once our boy is home. Thank you for all of your prayers and thoughts!

Heading to the Hospital

2009-06-08T21:02:00.002-04:00

Well, here we go. We went to the doctor today and my blood pressure was 150/90 and the baby is only in the 11th percentile of growth. Baby's head is normal size but his little body is two weeks behind his head which is an indicator that he is no longer getting what he needs, nutrient-wise. It is possible that the placenta has decided to slowly stop working here because of the placental hemorrhage that I had around Christmas - quite common apparently that women who get the hemorrhage have a weakened placenta.

Anyway, so far there is no particular indication that the baby has any serious health problems, although that is not necessarily a for sure (never is, really, though) and so it's not a 'let's get this baby out now' kind of thing but more of a 'let's get the ball rolling and see how he does' since I'm already considered full term and neither baby or I are doing the way we should.

We go in at around midnight to be induced but the baby has not dropped and I'm not dilated or anything so they expect the induction to be a slow process and thus a C-section is not impossible.

I'm kind of freaking out and my fingers are numb so I hope this all makes sense. Will post when I can.

Thanks for all of your support up until now!

Yes, I'm still pregnant for God's sake.

2009-06-02T21:36:00.003-04:00

I'm totally aware that I am not posting at least once a week. And, to be honest, I probably won't until the first few weeks of baby's life outside my uterus are over. The last month of pregnancy is very exciting but very tiring too. Let me answer a couple of questions though:

A) Baby is doing okay. We had a biophysical profile today (which is both a pain and pretty neat) and will have one every week until boy decides to come out or the doctor decides that he needs to come out. Baby boy is quite small and his body is not quite as well developed as his head so they are trying to determine exactly why that is and make sure that that does not mean that he is in jeopardy of any sort. As of today he was doing well. Just wee.

B) I am doing fine. I'm struggling to work for as long as I can (we're 37 weeks on Wednesday 6/3) since I get no actual maternity leave and we need every cent that we can get, Lord knows. I feel generally okay though except for extreme fatigue, which is very normal and the carpal tunnel syndrome which makes me sort of a slave to the sensation level I'm getting in my fingers. Poor Paul has to open all bottles and things like that for me. When he's not here I'm somewhat helpless in regards to anything that requires fine motor skills. And he's stuck covering someone else's vacation this week so he's working 4-midnight which means we barely see each other and I'm pretty much pathetic. It could be worse though, a lot of my other normal symptoms sort of come and go but are not constant which makes them bearable. Oh, and it's 100 degrees (like...35 ish is my best guess without bothering to look it up) outside which is the extreme suck.

C) The to-do list is very slightly smaller than it was although I still cannot imagine getting it done. I'm trying not to panic about getting it all done, but when I do manage to slow down the panic about that then I start panicking about the pain of labor and delivery. This is all normal, though, I know!

D) If any of you have any suggestions for things that helped you in these last few weeks or things that you wish you would have avoided or things that you really appreciated having at the hospital or anything like that I would love to hear them!

Current Top Pregnancy Symptoms: Numb hands, Sore neck and Severe Need to Nest

2009-05-25T21:24:00.004-04:00

Yikes, I'm supposed to update at least once a week here, but holy moly there is so much to do and I'm still at the tail end of my cold or flu or whatever it is, we're only 4 1/2 weeks away and my pregnancy induced carpal tunnel makes typing really painful. I'm freaking out a little, I must admit.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is our 36 week ultrasound and we are hoping and praying that the baby is not actually transverse as has been suspected. We also take Smeagol in for yet another lime-sulfur dip and have to go renew the tags on the cars and have other errands to do and then more baby prep to do when we get home and that's the way every day goes around here these days. We realize that there will be a whole different level of busy-ness after the baby is born but right now it's like there is this firm, scary deadline to get to and everything has to be in place before it arrives and that is kind of terrifying.

Things are progressing though, if slowly. Much baby prep is done already though, my immigration paperwork has been received at USDHS, Smeagol's spay is done and the to-do list is getting smaller...that's the good news.

Friday we get a baby shower too! Paul's work has decided to throw a shower for he and I and I'm very excited - although nervous because I haven't even met most of these people. I'm really touched though that they are doing this because they genuinely like my hubby and want the best for him, and hey, some cake and a few gifts will be appreciated too.

Hands numb...later.

Hey, women who have been or are pregnant, answer a question for me, k?

2009-05-14T17:36:00.002-04:00

This cold or flu thing or whatever it is that I have is getting maybe a bit better but I have this wracking cough that's painful and dry. It's only been for like 3 days so far so I don't want to fret about it and I wouldn't even think of it except for the 34 week old kid inside of me. I'll call my OB if I have to but I was hoping you all might have some advice or opinions...does my coughing hurt or bother baby? is there anything I can do to soothe the cough since I'm not supposed to take cough candy or decongestants or anything really?

I don't WANT to complain, but, you know, I will

2009-05-12T15:40:00.003-04:00

Well, gracious. There are so many things that have happened here in the past few months and weeks that I want to write about but we are so busy and I'm so tired that things are falling by the wayside at an alarming rate.

Currently, one of my worst symptoms by far is pregnancy induced carpal tunnel syndrome. Four of my fingers are always numb and sometimes the other four pop right in there and numb up as well. It's extremely irritating all of the time and downright painful other times. It's also becoming a serious problem at work and at home. Typing is uncomfortable and I make a lot of mistakes because I can't feel anything but the space key since that's the only one that my thumbs hit. I'm also now incapable of opening jars or bottles, lifting anything more than a couple of pounds or touching anything that may be an inappropriate temperature since I burned the crap out of my fingers earlier because I couldn't tell that what I was touching was hot until it started to burn my non-numb thumb.

Anyway, I don't want to complain because I'm so thrilled for Baby to get here but these last few weeks sure are hard and this is one of my worst symptoms yet since it really limits my activities severely. I don't want to do too much typing because it's so uncomfortable but I wanted to tell you about our Saturday night/Sunday morning adventure. I got the flu on Friday towards the end of my work day and felt pretty lousy but still made it to the vet's with Paul on Saturday morning to pick Smeagol up after her surgery. Her spaying went really well and she seems to be making an amazing recovery at this point. One of the things that bugs me is, as I recall, the same problem Waffles had after his neutering which is that she seems to be confused about where to go to the bathroom. When we got home I had Paul drop her on the bed with me, my intention was that the two of us would be sick in bed all day together. Within an hour though she decided that the best place to pee was ON THE BED! Fortunately we saw it happen so Paul was able to strip the sheet and mattress cover before the pee soaked through to the mattress. Unfortunately, that meant that I had to lie on the bare pill-y mattress for the next few hours ( we have only the one set of bedding, sadly ).

By the evening I was starting to get really ill. My fever was climbing steadily and I couldn't stop shaking all over. Paul was starting to look at me kind of nervously and he said that he had never seen me so sick so when I started to get intestinal type cramps too we decided that I should call my OB's nurse line. They told me to come in right away so we did and the whole thing was very surreal as they instructed as to go to OB triage which is exactly where we'll be going in a few more weeks. They did some tests and things and hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor. After a while they came in and mentioned my contractions - I disputed that I was having any but they showed them to me on the little sheet of paper the machine spits out. Apparently I was having contractions that lasted for 40 seconds and were coming every four minutes. I seriously could not feel them, though. They asked me if I could be dehydrated which could cause contractions but I was sure that I was not since I had been drinking tons of water - but they tested me and since I hadn't eaten anything and my temperature was over 101 apparently I dehydrated the crap out of myself. I had to get two IV bags of electrolytes pumped into me and even then I think they wanted to do more but I was shaking with cold and fever and so utterly sick and uncomfortable that I pretty much begged them to let me go home and they did with instructions to rest and drink and rest and drink and repeat.

When we got home I sort of just stood there confused while Paul took care of everything and then I almost had a nervous breakdown when we got into the bedroom and remembered that the sheet and mattress cover were still in a heap on the chair and needed to be put on the bed. But, Paul did that too and we both fell into bed in a nearly catatonic state. 5 hours in the most uncomfortable bed/chair ever, scared, sick, worried about a dog just out of surgery and home alone will do that to you.

Man, I want to tell you about Mother's Day too but my left wrist won't even bend anymore since I've typed WAY too much here so that will have to wait for another day. I'm feeling lousy still but more like a really bad cold now and nothing worse. Can't type another letter...

Yes, pugs CAN look even more pathetic

2009-05-09T11:48:00.003-04:00

Just to let you all know:
A) I am desperately flu-ridden and miserable
But much more important:
B) We just got Smeagol back from the vet after her spaying yesterday and although she was in a state of utter panic and trembling when we picked her up she seems to be doing really well. She ate a treat that I offered her just a minute ago and now she went to drink from her bowl (which Waffles wouldn't do after his surgery, he would only lick water from my fingers) so I'm very pleased.

She actually PLAYED...with a TOY...she hasn't done that in years...

2009-05-07T17:44:00.003-04:00

Thanks to the people who emailed me to tell me they have been enjoying the dog posts and that they are praying and/or thinking of my SmeagolGirl. Quick update here from work...

Smeagol had her second lime-sulfur dip yesterday and it seemed to help a bit. After I picked her up I went to pet her and clumps of hair sloughed off in my hand so I got her brush and started brushing her and there was just no end. I could have brushed for half an hour and I don't think I would have diminished the amount of hair flying off of her. Literal fistfuls of hair covered the sidewalk all three times that I did it yesterday and I'm sure I could do the same thing today. She stood totally still while I did it though - I imagine it must have felt so good to get all that dead hair and smell and fungus off her all in one day.

Last night and today she has been a different dog, so energetic and playful and just happy. Unfortunately, tomorrow she goes to get spayed so I guess the energetic will be down the tubes for a while. I'm nervous about the operation but much more optimistic about her prospects after yesterday's successful procedure. Also, I discussed with the vet that the cost of some of these things was getting out of hand and he made some compromises with me to reduce costs so that shouldn't be as bad as I thought either.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow and wish her luck!

Well, THAT didn't work!

2009-05-06T10:40:00.003-04:00

Well, crap. You know that whole very carefully orchestrated timeline that I just told you all about? The one that is going to keep our money pit of a dog alive and healthy and happy? Yeah, that did not work. We started Smeagol on her anti-fungal medicine on Thursday night, hiding her pills in favorite foods as we usually do, and it started off really well; her scratching was almost immediately diminished by at least 75%. By Saturday morning we were having a rough time getting her to take her pills and her tail uncurled (in pugs, or at least in our pug, that tail doesn't uncurl unless she is getting scratched in a really good spot or she is desperately depressed or sick) and we were getting a bit nervous. She refused to go outside, and she didn't seem to have the energy to jump on and off the bed anymore. Every part of her screamed 'SICK'. Still, we hesitated to stop the medicine because we assumed that, although the medicine was clearly hard on her, part of her misery was the fungus in the first place and the pills were necessary.

By Sunday night she wouldn't take her pill at all and it took fifteen minutes of Paul trying to shove the pill down her throat and then hold her mouth and nose closed until she managed to get it down. He was eventually successful but we were both sweating and near tears, Smeagol was freaking out and Waffles was trembling from head to toe. So, on Monday morning we did not give her her pill and we called the vet. The vet said, and I quote - 'STOP!' It turns out that her suffering was not at all normal and that these pills were really bad for her.

It's Wednesday morning now and she is feeling much, much better but much to our chagrin that means that the only other way to get rid of the fungus is to continue giving her those godawful sulfur-lime dips once a week for another 4-6 weeks. Not only does she stink for a full week or more after the dip (and the smell makes me feel kind of sick, honestly) but the dips also cost quite a bit more than the pills. Also, Girldog has to stay at the vet for about 5 hours for the procedure so that means that we have to get up a bit early so Paul can drop her off and then I have to leave work for half an hour in the afternoon to pick her up and bring her home to her UTTERLY MISERABLE brother dog who is so depressed by this whole business that he's barely functional whenever Smeagol is gone.

Whee!

(Happy babies chewing side by side)

I should also note, by way of provoking a little sympathy for myself (THAT'S a positive personality trait, huh?) that my renewal immigration paperwork is due next week, that I'm going to be unable to do anything this weekend because Smeagol is also getting spayed on Friday, that I'm still on weekly trips to the OB and that I'm 33 weeks today. I still haven't bought nearly everything we need for Baby Boy, the nursery is not ready, I haven't picked a pediatrician...and I'll stop with that before I wind up scanning my To-Do list so you all can see my stress level in bullet point form.

On the plus side, I have new buddies! They're Canada Geese! I've tried four times to get a good picture of them but have not been successful yet, but I will eventually and then I will be sure to post it. I'm the last person to leave work every day so when I leave I always drive around the complex to check for any problems that may need to be addressed before I leave. We have a gorgeous little creek that curves around the buildings and so lately I've taken to stopping the car for a few minutes and enjoying the view before I head home to the next level of stress for the day. A few weeks ago I noticed a few Canada geese swimming on the creek and I had a lovely moment watching them float by. Since then the rest of the geese have moved on but there are two left. Each day they are in a new spot when I drive around; sometimes way up by the road, sometimes hiding behind the shed at the very back of the property, sometimes just getting ready to head back into the water and they're getting used to me now. At first when I would pull up near them they would waddle as quickly as they could back to their creek, but now they just turn their backs to me and continue on with their foraging.

I love these geese with all of my heart and soul. I loved them first because they seemed so peaceful in the middle of my tense life. And of course I love them because they are a reminder of Canada - oh the deliriously wonderful sound sometime in the spring in Manitoba when you hear that telltale honking and you look up and see that 'V' of a flock of geese coming back home and you know that finally, finally the snow is going to melt and life can start again. The other day Paul got to see my geese for the first time and he pointed out the part that I love the very best and hadn't even thought of - there are only two and they are always together. Geese mate for life and I'm sure that these two are partners. I don't know why they chose to stay when all of the others are gone but I'm considering it my little gift. A moment of peace at then end of every day.

Pupdate

2009-05-04T16:14:00.000-04:00

I got an email from BlogHer, the lovely people who post advertisements over there in my sidebar ----->, the other day that I thought was hilarious. They mentioned that, if it was okay with me, they would like to switch my blog to their 'parenting' section after Baby is born. I had to laugh because I SO don't want to become a one dimensional blog but seriously it is difficult to think about or concentrate on anything else besides the 4 pound human that currently dominates every aspect of my life. So, I guess in a few weeks this will be an official Mommy Blog...but there could be worse things!

For today though I'm going to give a little dog update. Our complete and utter love affair with Waffles continues unabated. There is something about that dog that we adore so totally that it is actually sort of strange. He is so terribly sweet and sensitive to our moods that I frequently have to calm myself down in order to MAKE THE DOG FEEL BETTER.
(Mama's crying! It must be my fault! Maybe if I press my ears flat to my head I will be less noticeable.)

He still regularly (although slightly less regularly) destroys our belongings and yet we are still in love with the little idiot. He is also so smart that I can give him complex commands and he will follow them. The other day he had three toys downstairs (when they belong in a basket upstairs) and, rather than bending down, I told him to 'pick up his bunny and bring it upstairs'. He snooted through his three toys until he found the bunny, picked it up and brought it upstairs. I found that eerily intelligent and he does similar things all the time. His vocabulary is massive.
(Lying in the sun with one of his bunnies)

And then there's Smeagol. I've written for around 3 1/2 years about Smeagol's health problems. She gets these random infections about every 6 to 16 weeks or so. It will start off as an irritation in her facial wrinkles and eventually spread to sores on her belly and swollen, irritated paws. We have seen at least four vets over the years and each one goes through the same routine: 'it's a food allergy, change her diet', 'its an environmental allergy, clean her off when you come back inside from walks, 'its a bacterial infection, here's some expensive medicine and cream', 'its random, all we can do is treat it each time it occurs'. We have gone through this cycle literally dozens of times and it is exhausting and expensive for us and miserable for little itch-face.
(Papa, I thought you'd never come home. Is that really you?)

The vet we started with here in Tennessee went through this as well in our first year with him but then he said something that I've been hoping to hear from a person doctor for myself for years - he said 'I'm frustrated and we are going to figure this out'. He contacted a veterinary dermatologist and said that if we agreed we were going to follow her timeline suggestion.

So, first he instructed us to bring Girldog in one morning for a 'sulphurated lime dip' (stinkiest substance known to man) to see if that would do anything. We agreed because we are amenable to anything and this was something that had never been done before so that made us feel hopeful. He then scraped bits of hair and skin off her paws and neck and put them in a 'dermatophyte test medium' (a little vial of orange goo) and told us he would watch it for 21 days and if it turned red it meant she had dermatophytes so we could start treating that. This was also something that had never been done. This week he called to say that the medium had turned crazy, bright, cherry red (which it did, I saw it...it was actually really pretty, this bright red vial with little white streaks growing in it. Andrea, did you ever study dermatophytes?) so we needed to come by and pick up anti fungal medication.

Last, but not least, in the timeline is to get Smeagol spayed which is going to happen on Friday. The vet and the dermatologist vet both seem to feel that unspayed dogs, particularly as they age and particularly the pug breed are just slaves to their hormones and thus some of them become susceptible to every bacteria and fungus that enters their living area and are thus almost constantly tormented by infection and itching.
(The black part is my leg...this is her way of letting me know she doesn't feeeeeeeel well)

So, that is the plan. It is an expensive plan and a time-intensive plan and in some ways a dangerous plan but it is the best we can do. Fortunately veterinary treatments are individually quite cheap (the lime dip was $22, the pills for the dermatophytes were $14 for example) it's just the cost of all of these treatments added up over the months and years that makes me feel faint. But, at this point we felt that this had to come to a head. We are so utterly broke and I am freaking out trying to figure out how this month we are going to be able to pay normal expenses plus immigration fees plus spaying plus buying all the baby stuff that we still need but we are not prepared to give up our dogs unless it becomes absolutely, critically necessary. These are last ditch efforts here to get Smeagol better. If this program does not get her better I do not know what we will do because after Baby is here we will not have the time or money to try to help her constantly.

When I went to pick up the pills yesterday I asked the vet if he thought that the dermatophyte infestation was what had been wrong with Smeagol all along and he said that in his opinion that and her need to be fixed was what was keeping her this way. He said 'in another month she is going to be a healthy, happy girl again'. That's what we're asking for.

(We have no couch, only a love seat, so the little bit of time that we spend in the living room is a little awkward. There is barely room for Paul and I on the loveseat but on this day both dogs were DETERMINED to be on the loveseat with us. First, Smeagol rearranged Papa into this very awkward sitting position so she could lie on his leg, then, not to be outdone, Waffles managed to find himself a position too. They would have been content like this for hours, but, needless to say, poor Paul was not.)

2009-04-30T10:22:00.003-04:00

I screwed up and I need to apologize. Before I post anything about Paul I always ask him if it is okay for me to do so and he always says yes. Lately though he tells me that I'm making him out to be a serious jerk and that was never, ever my intention. I would be absolutely lost without my Paul; I love him so dearly and who else would still love me throughout all of my tears over the years and especially over the past few days (and already this morning and I've only been up for 50 minutes).

I'm sorry to those of you who read this that I unintentionally made Paul to sound like a jerk. He is not. And I'm sorry Paul that I made you out to sound that way - I don't feel that way and I'm sorry that I hurt you.

HeeHeeHeeHooooooooooo

2009-04-24T14:45:00.005-04:00

Paul has been bugging me to update more often and, indeed, there are so terribly many things that I want to and should write about but the third trimester is KICKING MY ASS.

Every muscle in my body aches, I'm totally congested, my joints crack, my stomach and boobs itch, I have Restless Leg Syndrome like I didn't even know you could get it and last, but not least, my acid reflux is so bad (despite daily Prilosec and Tums) that I frequently wake up in the middle of the night thinking I'm going to die because I can't breathe because I've thrown up while I slept. Fun, no?! Moments ago, here at my desk at work, I went to staple six pages together and had to try twice because I didn't have enough strength or energy to use the stapler.

But, I'm 31 1/2 weeks and Baby Boy is doing very well according to today's checkup. My blood pressure has had some too-high moments so I'm going in every week from now on just to make sure that baby and I are okay but so far everything seems to be going as it should. Boy is healthy and very active and I don't even mind when he kicks the crap out of me since it means he's thriving in his little liquidy home.

We finished our childbirth classes last week and I am really glad that we went, despite how hard it was to spend our Saturdays getting up at 7:30 and then breathing and squatting and getting quizzed for 7 hours each time. I learned some, although I had quite a bit of theoretical knowledge already, but more important that what I learned new was the reassurance of seeing other women in the class in the same head space as me and seeing videos of regular women who managed to get through this. If they can all do it, well then, so can I. We even got a tour of the L&D floor in the hospital which was good too as it helped us to prepare what we need to bring and be aware of.

One of the most interesting parts of the class to me was learning about Lamaze and other breathing techniques. I always assumed that those things were sort of BS 'cause how could breathing lessen the worst pain of your life, right? But the woman who taught the class (an RN/doula/mother of 5) explained that what we are trying to do is stop the Fear/Tension/Pain cycle. In other words, when you don't know what to expect you get scared, when you are scared you get tense and when you get tense, things hurt worse. That made a tremendous amount of sense to me and made the whole class worth it. Knowing more of what to expect at home as I labor and then in the delivery room and even where to park at the hospital and where to go to fill out registration forms in advance all reduces tension for a compulsive planner and list maker like me and that's going to help through all aspects of this.

So, too tired to write about non-baby related things (for example I'm in the midst of immigration paperwork again - good timing! and Smeagol is sick again and going in for these stinky treatments on a regular basis and then getting spayed in two weeks...and oh, so much more) but at least I got a little post in here.

I Don't Get No Respect

2009-04-17T09:00:00.001-04:00

Via eMail from our respective jobs:

Him - Okay, so you'll go home, grab the dogs and meet me at Baskin Robbins for a birthday treat?

Me - Cool man.

Him - 'Cool man'?

Me - Um, yeah, you know like 'that sounds good' - 'cool, man'?

Him - Hang on…phone is ringing… Oh, hello nineteen eighty-two….yes, Jennifer is here…ok, I’ll give her the message. Thanks.
That was 1982…it wants its phrase back.

Because every boy deserves a dog

2009-04-15T16:53:00.002-04:00

There are no words to express how much I loveloveLOVEpinkpuffyheartsLOVE this picture:

Quick Follow Up

2009-04-09T18:42:00.003-04:00

I know that quite a few people who read blogs don't actually read comments so I had to repost this comment from my friend Reba about the jerkfaces I wrote about the other day

"When people say "think of those who have it worse" it actually does work for me but in the wrong way. I think a kind hearted person would feel even WORSE when they hear that because then they would be thinking of poverty and famine and a whole bunch of terrible stuff that isnt' going away anytime soon. Selfishly though, it makes me feel better about what I have. Which is the desired effect when poeple say it - to make the person feel worse for others or selfishly better?"

Yes! That was my point, only better said. So let's say I'm miserable and you say 'but it could be so much worse think of ...' am I supposed to feel better like a total bitch because other people have it so bad or am I supposed to feel worse because not only am I sad but I'm also apparently a horrible person for feeling bad since there are so many others who have it worse than I? Ha! People understand me!

Which isn't to say that I'm miserable right now, I'm not at all, I just get tired of people who say mean things or people who intend to say nice things but it comes out mean. For example, an elderly lady who I see a lot at work told me the other day "I can't get over that you are 29 weeks pregnant! You don't look pregnant at all, you just look chubby!' Annnndd, that's supposed to make me feel what? Good? No.

Pregnancy is a strange thing. People say bizarre things to you and you feel like you are living in another person's body. My hair is crazy nuts and there is nothing I can do with it. My fingernails are strong and smooth for the first time ever (they're normally very ridge-y but now completely ridgeless). My shoes barely fit. My rings hurt my fingers. All these things (plus a million more) make it very disorienting to be pregnant. The little parasite is changing my whole life and body and everything.

It's totally worth it though, you know.

Most Obnoxious Phrase EVAR!

2009-04-03T10:56:00.004-04:00

Today, I was a bad person.

Let me start by telling you all what the most obnoxious phrase in the English language is. It is 'just you wait'. FUDGE that drives me crazy!! This gets said to pregnant women in particular all the time. When you complain in your first trimester about being nauseous other moms laugh cloyingly and say 'just you wait until you're nauseous AND have heartburn AND have hemorrhoids'. In your second trimester when you complain that you're tired they say 'just you wait until the third trimester, you think you're tired now!' And now, in the third trimester, if I say ANYTHING they say 'just you wait until you have a newborn in the house'.

Now, I know that they're right but just because things get worse doesn't mean that your own current discomfort doesn't count. This, to me, is the same concept as when you're struggling with some problem in your life and people say 'but think about how many people out there have it worse!' See, that doesn't help. Then you could also think about how many people out there have it better! There are always people out there who have it better than you and always people who have it worse than you (unless maybe you're Job) but that in no way helps with your current situation. IN NO WAY.

The moms who say 'just you wait' always say it with that little half grin on their face like 'poor, sweet child thinks it's bad now, how cute and delusional'. So, people, it is really, really rude and frustrating to tell a pregnant woman 'just you wait'. Really. Rude.

That being said, Paul just called to tell me that he asked a co-worker today if she was okay because she looked really tired. Her response was 'Well, I am tired, I'm a mom to be!' Paul thought she looked awfully skinny so he asked her how far along she was and she told him that she was five weeks. He told me that and people I'm horrified to say that I laughed and said 'just you wait'.

Tidbits of Paul (hmm, that sounds kind of gross...'tidbits re. Paul' maybe?)

2009-04-01T16:20:00.005-04:00

*walking through Wal-Mart Paul reminds me for the 18th time...*

Him - Remember, I need to get deoderant.

Me - Yes, yes, I'm aware, baby!

Him - YOU'RE A WEREBABY?! Do you transform into an infant during the full moon? WAH WAH!

**********

Also, people are stopping Paul in restaurants and at work to ask if he is on American Idol. Seemingly he bears a strong resemblance to Danny Gokey (although admittedly Paul has a bit of weight on Danny). So, Paul wants to know if y'all agree. In the sidebar there is that cute picture of us and here is a picture of Danny:

Kind of, huh?

Decision Making Time

2009-03-30T15:57:00.005-04:00

So, when Paul bought Smeagol more than six years ago he did not choose to have her spayed. He was, and when I joined the family, we both were, very vigilant about making sure that she didn't get pregnant but that was about all that we did about it. When Waffles joined the family, we got him neutered very early, as is recommended so that we wouldn't have a problem with the two of them (despite how stupid cute a pugrier would obviously be). Over the past two months or so though it has become clear that poor, old Smeagol pug is going to have to be spayed as well.

About two months ago I realized that her next heat cycle, although it is a bit sporadic, is due right around the time that the baby will be born. That would be...bad. She gets moody and needy and I have to keep a close eye on her and a diaper on her so that she won't bleed all over. Of course she pulls the diaper off so I have to do constant laundry as well...all of these things would NOT be ideal with a brand new baby in the house.

Recently, Smeagol developed another infection in her facial wrinkles and we took her to her best buddy, the vet. She gets this infection every few months and we have tried everything including daily wrinkle cleaning with a special prescription gel, a complete removal of red meat and red meat products from the diets of both dogs, no prepackaged dog treats etc. We have been told that her problem is possibly an allergy, possibly an immune system issue, possibly just that she is a pug etc. But as the vet was scraping her skin this time he told us that he had been reading up on the possibility that recurrent skin infections in unspayed female dogs are as a result of the fact that they are not spayed. He pointed out that hormones can wreak havoc on skin (at which point I informed him that he was preaching to the choir) and that perhaps spaying would help her a lot. Even if it doesn't help the constant, costly for us/painful for her infections, it would still dramatically help reduce her chance of some cancers and completely take away her risk for some other cancers.

So we were already pretty well committed to the idea that we would need to suck it up and get her spayed for her sake and for ours and then this damn false pregnancy started. We can't get her spayed for at least another month or so since at her last visit she had a steroid shot and she can't undergo anesthetic for eight weeks after that shot so we have some time to kill but this false pregnancy is a serious pain in the arse. I get the impression that she feels quite terrible and her lactation has not stopped. She looks significantly more pathetic than usual and I feel really terrible for her.

Basically all things are pointing to her needing to be spayed and as soon as possible but I'm really scared about it. She's middle aged for a dog, she's not very healthy and this is major surgery - like a total hysterectomy in women. I read earlier today that the more skin and fat the vet has to cut through the longer and more dangerous the surgery will be...she has lots of skin and fat!

Wish us luck making the right decision and coming up with the money if we do it etc. She's our little girl and we both just adore her. She has been with us both through so many bad times and she has been with Paul since she could fit in the palm of his hand and slept under his chin at night. But...the right decision is to spay her, right?

Apparently it's French for 'to hatch'

2009-03-26T13:45:00.004-04:00

Paul was playing his computer game and I was lying in bed behind him reading a magazine. I often read him things or tell him things while he plays knowing that I may get little or no response from him because he gets VERY INVOLVED in stupid World of Warcraft...but I talk anyway. I read to him last night about "Couvade Syndrome":

Me - So, apparently lots of men develop 'sympathy symptoms' of their partner's pregnancy. They can gain weight in their belly, or get back pain or even labor pains. Up to 25% of men experience this.

*he replies quietly without breaking stride from his game or even looking at me*

Him - I know, I've got bitchy.

No time for love, Dr. Jones

2009-03-16T15:49:00.003-04:00

We have become 'those' people. We both trudge to work, come home, discuss the dogs and their needs, discuss the baby and his needs, watch a little TV, discuss how much we don't want to go to work the next day aaaaand repeat.

We've both been lucky though because Paul got several hours of overtime this weekend and then went to some bigwigs house to work on his computer and got some money for that too. Paul has also been told that there will probably be more overtime available this week and we're both psyched about that. I'm getting eight hours of overtime this week at minimum as well so that's exciting. The money that Paul made this past weekend alone covers the bill for the co-pay that we just got from my ER visit at the end of last year when I had my subchorionic hemmorhage so that's kind of exciting.

We're both so stressed and tired though, it's becoming difficult. It would be easier if we could ever buy anything fun or interesting with our money, but alas, priorities call instead. We actually may have both fallen in love with bedding, of all things, this weekend and I had to forcibly drag us both away from the most gorgeous bed-in-a-bag that I have ever seen. We have to be smart though because there are so terribly many expenses coming up in the next couple of months.

My to-do list is looonnggg and my energy level is low
Our upcoming expenses list is looonnggg and our income is small
But we are happy together, managing so far and looking forward to our little tax deduction
That's about all I have to say about that.

25 Weeks and a Lactating Pug

2009-03-09T17:22:00.003-04:00

Yurgh, that last post and its subsequent comments sort of took the wind out of my blog posting sails. I've chosen not to comment back though except for to say one thing: I'm aware that lots of things piss me off and I have always been up front about that. Since I'm now pregnant and all full of hormones its even worse and I'll probably wind up writing about it more so if that bugs you you should probably not bother reading this blog.

ANYWAY, life is truckin' along over here. Paul and I are both working as much as we can in order to get bills paid and buy stuff for our impending kid so we tend to be pretty busy and somewhat grumpy. We're used to getting lots of time together and not getting as much is a bit taxing; but of course worthwhile. We get very little time to relax these days so I'm thinking for our anniversary at the end of the month we might both take a 'mental health day' and go have a nice little date or something like that.

The baby's room is coming along in leaps and bounds all of a sudden. I was so overwhelmed by the massive quantity of stuff that this child is going to need that I wasn't even sure where to start so I started with a list...and then wondered how I could ever possibly afford to get all of the stuff. But, two weeks ago Paul's parents came for a visit and they brought us some fantastic hand-me-downs; a swing type thing, a bouncy seat, a bassinet and a huge box of clothes. Then they told us that they wanted to buy us the crib and last week we found a coupon for 15% of cribs at Babies R Us so we went and got a gorgeous 'lifetime crib' for a decent price this weekend (Paul even set it up this weekend, it is GORGEOUS). When I mentioned to my Mom about these great coupons that we found she said that they had wanted to buy us the car seat as our 'baby warming' gift so we used another 15% coupon and got the car seat. It is one of those cool ones that is a combination stroller/car seat so you can take the car seat out and plop it into the stroller and then when the child is bigger it is just a normal stroller for them to sit in - two birds with one stone! We also used some other coupons to buy a bunch of miscellaneous stuff and since a few people had asked us about it we registered at Babies R Us too (which was rather fun let me tell you and they have a neat combo online/in store system that made it really easy).

So, we're probably about halfway there, stuff-wise which is pretty good. All of my baby books and websites say that you should ideally try to have the nursery ready 6-8 weeks before the expected due date since you never know when the baby will actually arrive and also because you may be too tired and off-balance to work on it towards the 40th week. But, since my previous sub-chorionic hemorrhage makes me a good (bad?) candidate for premature labor I'm hoping to get the room pretty much done by 30 weeks - which is scarily only 5 weeks and 2 days away.

Everything else is going well with the pregnancy too. We had the one hour glucose test today which involved drinking something nasty and then trying not to throw it up for an hour. Hopefully I will pass the test because if I don't I have to go do the whole thing again for four hours. I feel mostly okay, very tired and frankly somewhat bitchy since I get very, very little sleep because of SUCH sore hips but other than that and the heartburn that regularly makes me throw up I'm pretty much okay. Baby's heartbeat and my measurements and blood pressure were all good today and my doctor said that everything was going really well. I've only gained two pounds so far which means that even if I gain a pound per week for the rest of the pregnancy I'll still be on target which makes me very pleased.

Oh, and we may have figured out all of Smeagol's FREAKISH behavior over the past few weeks - I think she has a false pregnancy. The poor girl is even lactating! I think my hormones have caused her to believe that she is pregnant which is just so weird I can't express it. And hey, if you want to feel sorry for someone feel sorry for Paul who is, in essence, living with two pregnant bitches. God bless him.

A Very, Very Incomplete Types-Of-Idiot List.

2009-02-23T09:50:00.000-04:00

Paul and I have been over-the-top filled with hate for people lately. We both (but more me) really struggle with the fact that when people do dumb or hateful things we get very angry instead of shrugging or laughing it off like most people would. It is actually quite a problem and we wonder sometimes if life is harder than it should be because we are so filled with dislike for so many people. I really would like to know why it bothers us more than most, by the way, so if any of you have any brilliant ideas as to what is going on in the psyches of Ms. Pop and Mr. Soda we would love to know.

Anyway, as an excuse to rant and rave about the idiots that fill the world I'm gonna make a list; Top Five People Into Whom I hope My Son Does Not Turn (and if you can give me better grammar for that I would love to hear that too. I could only come up with this one and one where it ended in a preposition and I knew that one was wrong so I stuck with this one.)

1) The kind of person who stands on the outside of the 'OUT' door at Wal-Mart and can't figure out why, to their mind I suppose, their body weight no longer triggers the automatic door. (We saw people waiting at both doors on the wrong side the other day, just standing there, utterly baffled)

2) The kind of person who does not use their turn signal while driving, even when changing lanes. (it is the LAW people and it is also greatly helpful to those around you)

3) The kind of person who pays for fertility assistance to have more kids when they already have six children who are solely supported by the government, AKA money out of my paycheck. F**K!

4) The kind of person who, after two years of a constant bombardment of messages saying that if you use a TV with rabbit ears it won't work after February 17, 2009, STILL could not manage to get their act together and needs another four freakin' months to get ready for the stinkin' 'digital transition'. (This may be solely an American thing, if it is, sorry to my non-America-living friends)

5) The kind of person who, in a grocery store, manages to take up an entire aisle by parking their cart at an angle and then obliviously staring at a shelf of soup cans while the other patrons stand there patiently waiting for him to notice that he is holding up the flow of the whole store.

Rant Complete.

Until a week or two goes by and I come up with another five.

Congratulations, it's a _______!

2009-02-10T11:56:00.003-04:00

Well, we had our 20 week ultrasound a week ago today (tomorrow I'll be 21 weeks...time is actually going pretty fast). The ultrasound tech, with whom I'm on a first name basis since that was my SIXTH ultrasound in this pregnancy, was great as she usually is and she pointed out all sorts of interesting bits of anatomy; this is the upper lip, this is the femur, this is the spine, which was all quite neat really. Throughout this time though there's always part of me going 'holy moly there's a PERSON inside of me! A person with a beating heart and a full bladder apparently!' Its a very odd sensation to know that and over the past week or so the movements of the child have changed from flutterings and bubblings to a weird grinding sensation that is distinctly unpleasant but continues to reinforce that strange feeling of 'there's a person in me'. (At least I'm assuming that this sensation is the fetus moving, has anyone else had that grinding feeling?)

The ultrasound was long since she was scanning all the kid's little parts and I find it quite uncomfortable in general but Paul was holding my hand and we were so excited waiting to hear the gender. The tech showed us how the baby had its little legs neatly crossed at the ankle so there was no way to see its wee bits - the crossed legs were pretty awesome though too, it looked so cute. So she started jiggling the transducer (is that what its called? I think so) on my belly to get baby to move and baby did not want to show itself. She jiggled and jiggled and it did not feel good and she kept jiggling more. Finally she suggested that I lie on my side. This was okay except that I couldn't see the monitor so I didn't know what was happening. Paul squeezed my hand and was quiet for a second and then we had the following conversation:

Him - There it is.

Me - There what is? What?

Him - It.

Me - WHAT? WHAT WHAT WHAT!?

Ultrasound Tech - Yup, its a boy.

Me - *bursts into tears*

Him - Is that bad? Are you sad? Is that okay? Are you sad crying?

Me - No, I'm not sad crying.

Paul - That's our _______. (I'm not telling the name at least yet)

Me - *cries harder*

It was a great moment and the scan was perfect, all of his parts are in place and in good shape so far. I would like to post the ultrasound pictures but I scanned them and they are very grainy - to the point that you may not even really be able to see them. I'll try on another scanner and see what I can do. In the meantime, 19 weeks to go til we meet our son.

Questions Du Jour

2009-01-29T12:11:00.005-04:00

#1) How can I have lost a pound in the 19 weeks that I've been pregnant and yet have an increasingly giant belly? Does the weight migrate from, say, my thighs, to my belly? If so that would be FANFREAKINGTASTIC!

#2) What kind of socks can you buy when even little ankle socks cut off all circulation to your feet?

#3) Can I go for another 21 weeks without any sleep?

#4) Why do people hang their pictures anywhere but eye level? (My mom hangs her pictures like 2 feet from the ceiling and someone hung a picture across from my desk at work over the couch and the picture is one inch from the top of the couch. How much time per day can I spend in plotting to move that picture? A LOT)

#5) How do you get rid of a musty smell in your house caused by two separate floods in your house after less than two months living there?

#6) How do you get rid of a mouse in your house when the mouse seems to be subsisting on the food in your dog's dish?

#7) How is it that Hugh Laurie is so not-young, so kinda-wrinkly, so not-really-handsome and yet SOSOSO sexy?

Signing off,
Exhausted yet Frantic

Well, that's handy

2009-01-22T12:13:00.002-04:00

Paul has been quite loving and affectionate the past couple of weeks. He's really happy about the pregnancy and it has affected him well (in my opinion). The other day we had a big snowfall here and since neither of us have brushes or scrapers for our cars he had to grab a box from the recycle bin to brush off his windows. When I left for work about 15 minutes later I discovered that he had cleaned off my car too. In my opinion that is a sign of true love.

Then last night Paul felt the baby move for the first time and he was EVEN more affectionate. This morning he hugged and hugged and hugged me and I couldn't believe how loving he was being. But as we pulled apart from our hug he noticed a pimple on my neck (my skin is HIDEOUS since I got pregnant) and said 'okay, have a good day zit-neck'.

Sigh.

Countdown

2009-01-19T18:21:00.003-04:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day, eh people? This is all very exciting for so many people here in America and around the world that I think that even those who weren't too excited about Obama winning the election are still looking forward to this at least a little. I already have found that I don't agree with all of his policies but I'm still so terribly hopeful that he will do what he has promised; bring hope and change to a country that is suffering so much right now.

When I moved to America President Bush's approval rating was at an all time low...and then it got lower! And then lower still. And people here could sense that - sense that the country was miserable as a whole and that we needed help and sometimes it seemed/seems that Barack Obama was some sort of avenging angel ready to cure the sick and employ the jobless and feed the hungry and pull world peace out of his hat. And of course that isn't so and I truly hope that we won't all be devastated when he doesn't cure all of the country's ills in four years...because he won't.

Regardless of what your political views are I think that almost all of us (Elisabeth Hasselback excluded don'tgetmestarted) can agree that the past eight years haven't gone all that terribly well. Whether it is President Bush's fault or not the past few years have been rough on the country and now something different will begin. All we can hope for is that the different will be better.

darts eyes nervously looking for the bad news

2009-01-14T16:27:00.003-04:00

It has been a pretty good week so far. And I have to tell you that I am so superstitious, or more accurately, paranoid, that I really don't like writing that as it makes me deeply frightened that I have seriously jinxed myself for the rest of the week. But, my weirdness aside, the week has been decent.

Today I'm 17 weeks pregnant and we had another checkup a few days ago. My blood pressure and weight are good (I haven't gained an ounce yet which the doctor says is just fine since A) I'm already overweight and B) My OB's say that women in general gain way too much weight during pregnancy and that unless you are underweight to begin with 15 pounds is enough for most women. This is fine with me since I haven't gained anything yet but I'm sure that it will piss me off big time if the pounds start piling on as of now.) and we heard the baby's heartbeat again with the Doppler and it was strong and steady at 151 bpm. We go back in around 3 weeks for the 20 week ultrasound which is an anatomy scan and a chance to learn the gender if we want to. I'm really conflicted about finding out the sex of our child so if any of you have anything you want to share with me in regards to whether or not you found out beforehand and whether you were glad that you had or hadn't I would sure like to know.

Also this week Paul found out that he still has a job which is excellent news since a large percentage of his company has already been laid off. The company has taken away many benefits and perks but at this point we're just grateful for a job.

And I got good news at work today too. I've been here well over three months now so I got an evaluation (which was good), a raise (which was terrific) and a new office chair (which was fantastic because I was about two weeks away from taking the thing out into a field and smashing it a la Office Space). Plus we're working on changing my shift so that I don't have to come in on Saturdays or perhaps only come in by appointment only. So I'm pleased with all that.

AND, Paul made dinner one day this week! Yay!

Personally I think that's going WAY to far, but what do you think?

2009-01-13T11:39:00.005-04:00

Answer me this. Yesterday at work Paul was chatting with someone and he used the expression 'let's call a spade a spade'. The person to whom he said this gasped and replied 'that's RASCIST!' Paul was momentarily baffled and the person quickly pointed out that a 'spade' is a horrible, old-fashioned slang word for a black person (although I can't imagine why).

Paul knew that but said that it had never occured to him that that expression referred to anything like that. We are, in fact, certain that it doesn't...but at the same time if it is going to offend people we don't want to use that phrase.

What do you think? Is it rascist? Should people stop using it?

Yes, he does use expressions from 50 years ago!

2009-01-12T16:47:00.005-04:00

In my little family I do all the money stuff; I create the budget, pay the bills, do the taxes etc. and it is working fairly well thus far I would say. This month we made the last payment on another one of the debts-from-back-when-Paul-was-young-and-dumb which brings us down to seven outstanding debts (from the original 30-some) two of which are student loans and one of which is under $500.

Anyway, I do the books because, although Paul makes twice as much money as I do and is MUCH more careful with money these days, I think I have a much better grasp on the concept of the almighty dollar. Here's an example of Paul's weird ideas about money...

We're driving into the city in my car but Paul is driving:

Him - Your gas light just came on so I'm gonna stop and put some gas in.

Me - Oh shoot, thanks.

Him - How much do you want me to put in?

Me - May as well fill 'er up.

Him - *deeply sarcastic* Okay, got-rocks.

Me - What? We have money in the bank, gas is cheap right now and eventually I'll use up all the gas again, why not fill it up?

Him - Whatever you say, Rockefeller. *shakes head as he starts pumping*

I gotta tell you, I don't get that at all. I wonder if this is a Paul thing or a men thing or what. In any case that was like two weeks ago and I still have gas in my car and money in the bank and gas is now 20 cents more per gallon so I think I have been proven right here.

Like a Puppet on a String

2009-01-06T11:48:00.005-04:00

Being pregnant is really weird. I've wanted a baby really since I was a child myself and I've spent a great deal of time imagining being a mom and trying to comprehend the horrors of labor and delivery but I've never really thought about the pregnancy process. I remember back in my Introduction to Sociology course in University the professor talked about pregnancy and said something along the lines of 'don't ever let anyone tell you that your fetus is not a parasite because it most certainly is. It will take and take and take from you and you will be left a slave to its needs. And you will happily deal with it because in the end, theoretically, you will have a healthy, happy child - your goal'. I really liked this professor but I didn't get this statement at the time, not really, although it clearly stuck with me all this time and holy crap do I get it now. My entire life and my daily activities, my moods, my thoughts...everything is controlled by this little five inch creature in my belly. And yet there have been times when we thought we were going to lose that little creature and the emotional pain of it was almost unbearable. I love the little thing with all my heart no matter how much it makes me miserable.

I figure there are two kinds of people in the world; those crazy-ass bitches who say things like ' I LOVED being pregnant, I never felt so healthy and so feminine', and then there are the normal people who say ' man, pregnancy sucksucksucks, but it is a means to an end and I'll get through the crap in order to have what I've wanted for so long'.

I am currently completely immersed in the latter thought process. 24 weeks to go.

The beans, they are spilled

2009-01-02T22:19:00.004-04:00

I love writing on my blog. I like just spilling my guts and I like it too when I get the chance to really formulate my words carefully and write about what I'm feeling. The blog is very cathartic and I earn a few bucks from it on occasion too. In the past several months I have lost more than half my regular readership though and there's a good reason: I've sucked lately. First there was a bunch of illness and the miscarriage and stuff and then we got so busy and all that affected my writing. More than any of that though was something that I haven't been talking about and so all of my posts have felt distinctly...confused, like there were holes in them. And, as a result, I mostly didn't post. I do not feel ready to talk about this yet but it is time, for many reasons, so here goes.

I'm 15 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy has not been without issue but so far, so good. The first few weeks I was so desperately scared that I would miscarry again combined with such extreme exhaustion that I just ignored everything. I made it to work every day and somehow managed to move and do all the other things that absolutely had to get done but everything even mildly optional did not get done. At 6 1/2 weeks we had an ultrasound and saw the tiny little bean and saw his/her heartbeat and our OB said that seeing the heartbeat reduced the chance of miscarriage to around 3 % (from 30% before that so, big fan of 3 % frankly). I calmed down a bit after that but was still extraordinarily nervous until our 13 week ultrasound. At that appointment we got a clear picture of baby, wiggling around like crazy, and got to listen to the heartbeat (141 bpm, just perfect). The purpose of this ultrasound was to test the baby for the likelihood of Down Syndrome and Trisomy 13 and 18 and I was deeply annoyed when I found out that they couldn't give me the results for a full week. I was a bit nervous about that but the OB also reminded me then that the vast majority of miscarriages occur before week 13 so I was able to relax a little bit and I was so excited to leave for Canada in 4 days that I was feeling pretty good.

Of course, that lasted for two days only. Less than 48 hours after that great day I woke up to get ready for work and was horrified to find that I was bleeding, a lot. After a panicked call to the OB on call at my caregiver's office, we headed to the ER - the same one where we lost the baby last time, the same room in fact. I know this all sounds crazy, why did we go back there, but it is one of the two hospitals affiliated with my OB's office and its a lot closer than the other one (although the other one is where I have chosen to give birth, for obvious reasons). Within 45 minutes after arriving I was getting wheeled into the ultrasound room and to my utter shock we heard a strong little heartbeat. I so didn't expect it that I almost passed out, I think. Of course, the ER could give us no information on what could be or could have been happening and by that time my OB's office was open so we headed over there. First they tried the Doppler machine on me and the nurse could not find the heartbeat and I was panicking all over again but then the doctor came in and found it right away. We headed for another ultrasound and then had a consultation with the doc and he showed us a still of the ultrasound and above the baby was a large dark crescent. This crescent, he said, was a subchorionic hemorrhage (basically a bleed behind the placenta) and it was unclear what it would mean to the baby, it could be very bad or it could go away. Regardless though we were not going to Canada and I was staying in bed for a week and a half.

We were ecstatic that the baby was, at that moment, okay but to be honest that was greatly tempered by the idea that s/he might not be and also that we could not go to Canada for Christmas as you all know how very much we wanted both of those things. I sat in bed for 10 stinkin' days thinking about Winnipeg and snow and my friends and my mom's baking etc. (And, on Christmas Eve my niece gave birth to a healthy little girl named Meadow who I could have been there to hold...but perhaps that would have been bittersweet, I don't know) After the first 3 or 4 days the doctor said I could do a few things so Paul and I went out for food way too many times, even fast food is SO expensive, but we couldn't really do anything else so we sublimated with food. Of course we were also still nervous about the genetic testing results and OF COURSE they did not call with the results when they said they would so I had to hound them until they FINALLY discovered that the lab who did the testing spelled my name wrong so the results had been misfiled. Because I didn't have ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT. The results were good though, thank God. For a woman of my 'advanced maternal age' (and believe me, being 36 is a HUGE factor in a first pregnancy) the odds of a Downs baby are between 1 in 250 and 1 in 500 depending on who you ask (by 45 some say the risk is 1 in 8. EIGHT) but my odds after the test are 1 in 2500+ and my odds for a baby with the very serious Trisomy 13 or 18 are 1 in 7000+ so I'm good with those results, although they are, of course, not a guarantee.

On Wednesday of this week we headed back to the OB whose staff members are all intimately acquainted with me by now and had another ultrasound. 156 bpm and the baby was waving around one of her little arms frantically, which was really cute. The doctor said that there was no sign whatsoever of the hemorrhage. I am more likely than the average woman to get another one now, as well as more likely to go into labor early and more likely to have placenta abruptio. I worry about all these things but I'm trying to calm down a little, take it easy and hope and pray for the best.

Whew, that was exhausting. I always dreamed of the day when I could announce my pregnancy to my friends and family and now to this blog but for some reason I have found that I have no desire at all to tell people. For one thing I am so worried still about something happening to the baby (I imagine that this will not go away for another 25 weeks, well, probably another 25 years, right?) and so I don't want to tell and then have to go through the agony of telling people if something happens. Also, strangely, I feel that this is somehow very private, like it is just me and Paul and Baby and no one else in the world. But for numerous reasons it was time to tell, so I have told.

My feelings about all this are not what I expected, its all very different that what I imagined. But we are already deeply in love with this baby and we are praying for a healthy, happy little girl or boy on or about June 24th, 2009. Your prayers, or for you atheists, your power thoughts(hi Andrea!) would be greatly appreciated.

Here's Yer Sign!

2008-12-29T20:22:00.002-04:00

Maybe I should rename this blog 'stupid things people do' because I'm telling you there would be NO SHORTAGE OF CONTENT. One brief example:

Paul is waiting in line at K-Mart customer service behind a woman returning a Barbie:

Woman - I want to return this Barbie. Here is the receipt.

Customer Service Lady - Okay, (clickclickclick) here is your money, ma'am.

Woman - No, this isn't right, I should get more back.

Customer Service Lady - (checking) No, that's the correct amount. The Barbie dolls were 'buy one get one half off' which is equivalent to 25% off so you get back the original amount minus 25%.

Woman - (deeply irritated) I KNOW that they were 'buy one get one half off' so I'm keeping the one that was half off and returning the full price one!

Customer Service Lady - (sigh)

Tears of...

2008-12-13T15:15:00.000-04:00

Dangit, I've cried twice at work today! We're playing Christmas songs here now and Christmas songs in general make me just woozy with nostalgia. So far I've heard two different versions of "I'll be home for Christmas" which is just really the saddest song ever, but I did manage not to cry the second time I heard it. Then they played that cursed "Feed the World" or "Do They Know Its Christmas" or whatever its called. I can't help it, I love that song, I think it evokes such a vivid picture of how much we have and how little so many others have. I get weepy right from the beginning but then when it gets to the part where Bono belts out "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you" I nearly fall over dead. See, now I'm crying again.

I'm so excited about our trip to Canada next week but so nervous about the cost and the dogs (being boarded) and customs and all the things that still need to be done in the next week while I'm still trying to unpack boxes from our recent move that I'm just a bundle of frayed nerves waiting for an excuse to bawl again. Don't you wish you were married to me?

In a hurry, or really dumb, you decide.

2008-12-11T16:15:00.000-04:00

I got an email from a client today but I didn't really understand it so I emailed him back and apologized for my ignorance but that I had not understood what his request of me was. He emailed back and said: "That email was meant for another Jennifer. Sorry for you're incontinence."

Honest to God.

Two Year Old Waffles

2008-12-09T14:44:00.003-04:00

I should have posted pictures of my boy in celebration of his special day...better late than never though. Pardon the quality of these pics, they were both taken with my cell.

Webby is ALWAYS cold (my mom is going to make him some sweaters!) and this is how he burrows his little self under the quilt on the bed:

Huh, this one is of a cold Waffles as well, unintentionally. In the old house the computer table was over the air vent so between all the computer equipment and the warm air coming out of the vent it was his favorite spot:

Must go faster

2008-12-08T16:44:00.003-04:00

Wow, I can't believe its been 2 weeks since I last updated. Where does the freakin time go? Anyway, we successfully moved to our new place. Its been unpleasant, as a move always it, but we had excellent movers who were very fast and in the end only cost a little over half of what I had budgeted. On Friday we attempted to do laundry for the first time in the new place and I guess something had happened to the hose on our washer during the move and boy, did we have a heck of a flood. At 12:30 in the morning Paul woke me up out of a dead sleep to help mop up the living room carpet while he tried to shut off the water. The washer was out of commission on Saturday and we hadn't done laundry in so long that every stitch of my clothing, all the towels and all the bedding were filthy so Paul came down to my work and read on the couch in our waiting room while the laundry did its thing in our coin operated laundry room. Then we went to Wal-Mart and Paul got some supplies to fix the washer...they didn't work so he had to go back to Wal-Mart and buy new hoses and that worked, thank the Lord. Unfortunately we had to spend a fortune on coins for the machines and on the new supplies, plus Paul had to spend half his weekend fixing the dang washer. But I was deeply impressed that he did it all by himself in the end.

Other than that most things seem to be okay in this place (except for the unleashed pitbull that roams around the neighborhood and this morning nosed through all our garbage so I had to go out and rebag all the nasty leftovers and crap. SO MAD, I was) I'm probably 75% unpacked, if I had to guess.

On another note, my little Waffles AKA the biggest Boston Terrier in the Whole Wide World, is turning two years old today. In dog years he is now a full grown man although he still acts and looks very, very puppy like. Just over the past few weeks though his destructive habits have taken a turn for the better so we are hopeful that he is truly becoming a grown-up. Smeagol hopes so too since she is an old lady of six and would rather have a warm body to sleep next to rather than a giant annoyance who always wants to play tug-of-war. Waffles is a darling dog and we couldn't be happier that we got him, he was meant to be in our family.

I have so many other things that I would like to say, both good stuff and bad stuff but I'll leave it at this for now. This blog is so important to me but I never expected to be this busy when I started the darn thing. Hopefully one day I'll get better at updating again and that it won't always only be just updates without real content.

Now, go out and finish your stinkin' holiday shopping, people.

Rapidly Going Crazy

2008-11-24T17:41:00.002-04:00

I...seriously...explain to me how I'm going to get it all done? K? So, we're moving in 6 days and we have perhaps 10% of the house packed up. We're both working a lot and Paul is transitioning to a new shift this week and next so he's going to be more tired and busy than usual. Plus I have a different work schedule this week because of Thanksgiving and have a work meeting tomorrow an hour and a half after my shift ends so as to maximize my inability to get home and do work. I can't believe what a huge freaking deal it is to move. I'm extremely used to the packing and the address changing and stuff (although packing a 3 story house is a whole new level of horrible) but down here it costs SO MUCH MONEY to transfer utilities and its a huge pain in the butt too. I went downtown to transfer our power/water/sewer/garbage/recycling today. I was in the guy's office for more than 20 minutes answering questions (name and phone number of in-laws? Okay.) and then had to pay him a bunch of money. Natural gas has to be transferred in person as well and Comcast, don't even get me started. I am hoping more than almost anything that this will be the last time we move until we buy a house. Please, God.

Of course we're less than four weeks til Christmas vacation as well which I'm sosososo excited for but again so terribly much work. Plus I'm frantically Christmas shopping since things have to be shipped far and wide and still arrive in time for Christmas.

At night when I finally lie down I sink into the bed and ponder how awesome it will be to not work on my to-do list for a whole week over Christmas. How terrific it will be to not have to go out into the cold or rain every four hours to take the dogs out. How fantastic it will be to be able to leave the house and not have to spend 15 minutes first moving everything in the whole house that Waffles could conceivably get into and then how tremendous it will be to come back later without having to nervously search the house for a potty accident or a newly ruined piece of furniture. One of my big dreams these days is for a nightstand (I dream big, people). My nightstand is just a cheapo end table which is all right and everything but first its ugly and second, and this is the biggy, it has no drawer or cupboard. I like to keep a little basket on my nightstand with all my lotions and potions and pills and things that I use before bed, plus I have a stack of books, Bibles etc. Every time I leave the house though I have to move every one of these things across the room onto the dresser and push them all the way to the back so that Waffles won't destroy them and it is such a royal pain in the butt I can't even tell you.

So these days I dream of icy Winnipeg and functional, attractive nightstands and Ketchup Crispers; its not too much to ask is it people?

Also, "It's Raining Again"

2008-11-18T23:12:00.003-04:00

I'm a very old lady and as such I think most new music is crap so let me just tell you that I am currently OBSESSED again with Supertramp and you should really go and listen to some of their music to remind yourself how STUPENDOUS they are! I woke up two nights ago with "Fool's Overture" in my head (Canadians, part of that would be the theme song to W5) and today I finally got a chance to hear it again and as I was scrolling through Supertramp's playlist online I kept going 'I love that one too!' Paul didn't think that he was overly familiar with their music but when I started listing songs he realized that he really likes them too.

Anyway, all I wanted to say was that I'm very, very ancient and that you should go listen to Supertramp, particularly 'Fool's Overture' (you can find it on www.goear.com), it will give you chills, I promise. Well, if you're old too.

Blather

2008-11-15T15:05:00.003-04:00

I'm at work and I'm blogging. Seriously, Saturdays here are SO boring. The business has never been open on Saturdays and my boss wants me to try opening on Saturdays for a few months to see if our customers have a need for that. Sadly, they do not, which means lots of busy work and, frankly, some blogging and crossword puzzle doing. At least by now I know pretty much what I'm doing so its not too stressful, although I do get stressed when I have to go to the bathroom cause that means I have to lock up and put a sign on the door saying I'll be back in five minutes but A) I can't go when I know I have a time limit and B) invariably my only customer of the day will start knocking on the door during the 5 minutes out of the entire day that I'm not at my desk.

Its not a bad job though, reasonable hours (although diametrically opposite from Paul's so we see very little of each other), reasonable pay and a reasonable co-worker. I miss my babies at the preschool a whole lot though.

Our new house is going to be pretty good I think. We had been smitten with a rental house on the other side of town but the woman who owned it never returned our calls or emails after she told us she would run our credit so eventually we gave up and I emailed her telling her we had found something else. THEN she emailed me back saying 'oh, shoot, sorry, I guess I should have called you to tell you that you were approved'. NO SHIT, Sherlock! Really, what is wrong with people?! In the meantime we found another townhouse 3 buildings down from our current townhouse. Its very much the same, almost exactly, except for that there is no basement (which we really didn't use anyway). Its also an end unit so we only have one 'touching' neighbor and its $75 cheaper per month than what we pay now so we're hopeful that it will be a good move for us.

I'm SHOCKED by how much it costs to transfer our utilities though. Normally, and I've done this a lot, its like a $25 transfer fee on your next bill or something, but Comcast (HATEHATEHATE) is charging us just under $100 and the utility company almost as much! On the plus side the new place has no natural gas so we can cancel that and get our stinkin' $200 deposit back ( in four weeks ).

Basically, we had been doing a bit better financially since my job is stable and steady now and I don't have to spend all the gas money that I did getting to the preschool (plus gas is down from an all time high of $4.99 per gallon to $1.99 per gallon. I don't get it but I sure like it). Plus our expenses should go down in the new place; lower rent, smaller heat and air bills due to less square footage. However right now is an awfully scary time financially - Christmas is around the corner, meaning gifts, a trip, boarding the dogs and all the other things that cost bucks around the holidays. Also moving is always a huge expense even when you plan ahead and try to do things right. Oh, and Paul's stupid health benefits - they are raising the weekly deduction on his paycheck, raising the co-pays and reducing the benefits. *sigh* There are a bunch of other unexpected expenses these days too that are making Paul and I tense and fight-y, but in general we should be better come January 1st - assuming we both still have jobs. I cannot believe how many people I know have lost their jobs in the past 3 months or so, its really frightening.

On another note, I'm so very happy that Barack Obama is going to be our next president and so frightened of what could happen because you would not BELIEVE the kind of things that my Southern neighbors here are saying. In the two days following the election Paul and I heard, honest to God, the following comments:
'he's a Muslim and he's going to force us all to become Muslim'
'he's going to sell America'
'he's going to make all the white people into slaves'
'he's the anti-Christ'

And these people were absolutely and totally serious. Very scary. I did learn something from all of this though. I found myself telling people that whether they like President Elect Obama or not they still have to give him respect. Oops, that's easy for me to say because I have such high hopes for Obama...but I have been guilty of NOT doing that for the current administration so I'm going to try to work on that.

And, lastly, I'm so, so sad that California has banned same-sex marriage and even sadder that Arkansas has enacted something that will make it impossible for same-sex couples to adopt children. So, I wonder what voters have against gay people? If you think being gay is wrong, or immoral that's fine, but why is it your business if homosexuals want to get married or adopt? I'm really curious here because it seems to me that the only reason people are opposed to homosexuality is based on their religious views and we have (cough) a separation of church and state here in America so what basis is there for taking away their rights? I'm really curious if any of you can explain this to me or have opinions on this because perhaps I'm not seeing all sides of the story.

Whew, I guess I should get some work done!

Whoooooosh

2008-11-12T22:56:00.003-04:00

So Busy. Moving in 19 days. Haven't started packing. Canada in 39 days. So much to do in preparation. Work so crazy. Having to go in on days off.

I so want to update more but I'm in over my head right now.

Let me just say though that Paul was at Wal-Mart today and the Canadian Geese were waddlng around, taking a break in Tennessee on their way to Florida for the winter. I have two points to make about this: The first is that I love geese and the sound they make and the V's they form as they fly. They make me very nostalgic for...something undefinable. The second point is that Paul said they were almost all walking around the parking lot in pairs.

Also, today I heard a news story about a talking parrot who alerted the babysitter that the child of the house was choking. I don't care what my mother says, animals have souls and that's all there is to it.

Yes, husbands CAN get mad at you even when they're sleeping

2008-11-04T13:18:00.005-04:00

While I'm getting ready for work Paul is still tucked into bed all warm and cozy...he gets to sleep until my work day is halfway done. Meanie. The other morning I was putting on my makeup when he staggered into the bathroom with his eyes still basically closed:

Me - Morning.

Him -

Me - You awake?

Him - In my dream you spent $250 on pretzels and cookies.

Me - *laugh* Sorry bout that!

Him -

Me - Are you awake?

Him - You shouldn't buy that many pretzels and cookies!

Me - Okay, hon, but I didn't, it was just your dream.

Him - *angrily* Its too much money, Jenn!

And then he wandered back to bed and was snoring before he even settled in. I'm still not sure if he was awake or not.

In which I become one of THOSE people

2008-10-28T22:08:00.007-04:00

I've been realizing something recently; I've always been a total animal lover but I got much more so since I became part of a family filled with what, in bed at night, feels like as many as 30 or 40 dogs and their long, poky legs. I find lately that watching shows about animals and spending time with my animals or other people's is what makes me happiest and most calm.

On Oprah a week or two ago they had a report on how our food animals are treated before we kill them and eat them. There was a journalist on the show named Nicholas Kristof discussing his recent New York Times article about growing up on a farm. Here's the part of the article that really touched me:

Then there were the geese, the most admirable creatures I've ever met. We raised Chinese white geese, a common breed, and they have distinctive personalities. They mate for life and adhere to family values that would shame most of those who dine on them.
While one of our geese was sitting on her eggs, her gander would go out foraging for food—and if he found some delicacy, he would rush back to give it to his mate. Sometimes I would offer males a dish of corn to fatten them up—but it was impossible, for they would take it all home to their true loves.
Once a month or so, we would slaughter the geese. When I was 10 years old, my job was to lock the geese in the barn and then rush and grab one. Then I would take it out and hold it by its wings on the chopping block while my Dad or someone else swung the ax.
The 150 geese knew that something dreadful was happening and would cower in a far corner of the barn, and run away in terror as I approached. Then I would grab one and carry it away as it screeched and struggled in my arms.
Very often, one goose would bravely step away from the panicked flock and walk tremulously toward me. It would be the mate of the one I had caught, male or female, and it would step right up to me, protesting pitifully. It would be frightened out of its wits, but still determined to stand with and comfort its lover.

That story solidified for me what I've been feeling lately. Over and over in the past few weeks I have found that animals show us how life should be lived. They love with unrestrained fervor, they play with complete abandon and then sleep the sleep of the totally content. When God said that man should have dominion over the creatures He created He did not mean that we could torture them so our food would be cheaper or that we could shoot them purely for entertainment or that we could put them in circuses and make them perform for our amusement (and then when they go rogue because we're torturing them we shoot them and say 'how could that have happened?!'). I believe that when we die we will have to answer for our sins, each one, to God. And I believe too that God will ask us to account for the way we treat the animals that He created.

"The King will answer them, 'Most certainly I tell you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these, you did it to me.'

--Matthew 25:40

Just my opinion.

How Girls Are Different Than Boys

2008-10-26T22:51:00.004-04:00

Instead of a guest book at our wedding, since it was so small, we had a large photo mat that people could sign and then when we got our wedding photos we could stick a photo in there and hang the whole thing up in a pretty frame. I've had the whole thing on our wall since a few days after we got back from our honeymoon but Paul just sort of re-noticed it a few minutes ago.

Him - Oh yeah! I forgot about this frame, its neat.

Me - Me too, and its a nice picture although I was a lot heavier then.

Him - Yeah, but your tits looked superb that day.

A Little Politics

2008-10-17T17:15:00.003-04:00

So, Canada had an election last week. Who knew?! Okay, well, I did, but not because of the news. Here in the Southern US they are, as far as I can tell, unaware that Canada exists. Well, they know it exists but sort of as a wee little country far, far away with funny money. Jon Stewart (am I the only one who gets all of their news from the Daily Show?) talked about the Canadian election the other day and he pointed out that the Conservative Party won again but seeing as how we Canadians are sooo liberal compared to the Americans that voting for the Conservatives in Canada is akin to voting for "Gay Nader Fans for Peace" here in the US. Awesome.

The election down here is seriously tearing people apart and I sort of understand that because I'm finding it hard to separate people's political leanings from their personality. When an acquaintance of mine found out that I was an Obama fan she literally gasped and whispered 'but he's a Muslim!' I really like this this woman but I've found that since she said this my feelings for her are somewhat diminished. I don't like that I can't separate my feelings about her and about her politics, but I am having trouble.

I've noticed that so many of the feelings people have, either good or bad about either party, are based on lies or propaganda or rumor and that's not right. I heard something the other day that I thought was really spot-on; 'vote your hopes, not your fears'. I guess that's my wish for every voter in this country and in Canada and everywhere else too; vote for what you envision your country can be and for the leader who can make that happen.

How Embarrassing!

2008-10-16T17:04:00.002-04:00

My dogs, like myself and my husband, have a lot of health problems. We all have special food requirements so I often have to make separate meals for Paul and I and then prepare something for the dogs as well (they eat fairly normal salmon and yogurt dog food but they can't eat dog treats or anything like that so I cook little batches of beans and things like that for them). So when Smeagol developed a rash on her belly we assumed that it was allergies or one of her other myriad issues. But then Waffles started getting rashy too and Smeagol's rash turned from a few small sores on her belly into a GIANT, OOZING, SCALY patch on her tummy. Neat, huh?!

Paul took the little girl to the vet yesterday and it turned out she had fleas! Neither of our dogs have ever had fleas before and we were pretty shocked. I take really good care of the babies and they rarely, if ever, associate with other dogs (I desperately want to take them to a dog park but the nearest one is an hour away and an hour in the car with Waffles is too much for any human) so I did not expect that. So, they both got a flea treatment, Smeagol has two different prescriptions to take for a week etc. (My kingdom for a week or two where I don't have to dole out pills for 3 or 4 creatures 2 times a day. Paul says that day will never come since if we have a child the poor kid will be doomed to various ailments. Sigh)

I've researched flea stuff online and there seem to be two different approaches to getting rid of them. Some sites say that once the dogs have been treated you need to clean the whole house; steam clean the carpets, bleach the sheets, wash anything soft, toss the dog beds etc. Other sites say that once the flea treatment has been done you're pretty well good and within 4 weeks the last of the fleas will naturally die and you don't have to worry. I'm pretty swamped with obligations and to-do lists these days so I'm pretty smitten with the second idea but if I have to I'll start cleaning the house from top to bottom. So, my question is to you pet owners out there: do you have experience with fleas in your house and what did you do (or not do) to get rid of the little critters?

Homeward Bound

2008-10-10T22:04:00.003-04:00

Whee! I got through my second week at work and next week I go to my regular schedule (as opposed to my training schedule) which means that I don't have to get up so early. Although it also means that I work alone on Saturday which should be interesting since I don't -technically- know what I'm doing yet, really.

We put in an application on an adorable rental house this week which we're hopeful about. Even if we don't get accepted for some reason we have a line on another place or two to look at.

And, we booked our tickets yesterday for CANADA! EEEEEE! We're coming right over Christmas and we are PSYCHED! I haven't seen my mom and one sister since August of '07, my other sister since our wedding in March of '07 and everyone else since February '07 (I think). That is just wrong. We spent lots of time researching kennels for the babies and found a great one, but I'm still very nervous about leaving them for a week. Waffles especially is so terribly sensitive. Waffles has a very obvious way of showing us when he is distressed which is that he trembles from head to toe. When the neighbors are noisy, which is always, he lies on the floor and shakes, when Paul and I have a 'discussion', he trembles, when I tell him 'no' to trying to kill Smeagol, he shivers. You get the picture. But nonetheless I couldn't be more excited. The time off is confirmed for both of us, the tickets are booked and the kennel (or 'lodge' as they call it...it has a POOL! For DOGS!) is booked. This week I need to focus on making sure the dogs have all their appropriate shots etc. and get a letter from the vet indicating that Smeagol cannot be vaccinated for bordatella since she nearly died last time and had to be rushed to the vet and put on IV etc. Have you all ever heard of more pathetic creatures than my pups? *sigh* I know, I'm more pathetic...

It's like an embargo

2008-10-08T17:52:00.000-04:00

So, once again we're preparing to move and so I go CRAZY MENTAL NUTS cleaning and throwing away and donating and organizing. So I said to Paul the other day:

Me - Okay, its that time again so I'm instituting a COMPLETE MORATORIUM on bringing new things into this house. Complete. Total. No exceptions except food, toiletries and necessities.

Paul - Okay.

*****

A week or two later:

Paul - (on his cell) Can you come out to the car and carry my lunch and stuff cause I have to bring in my new monitor.

Me - You have a new monitor?

Paul - Yeah! They were throwing it away at work and my boss said I could have it. Its got a massive flat screen although its an old one so its a big, heavy thing.

Me - *sigh* Hang on, I'll be right there.

***

Me - Are you KIDDING? This is like 50 pounds worth of shit we don't need! What about the moratorium? The MORATORIUM!!

Paul - Uh, well, here's the thing. I haven't been able to follow your moratorium rule.

Me - *more sighing* Because you're a compulsive hoarder?

Paul - Well, no. More because I don't technically know what 'moratorium' means.

Hi!

2008-10-06T15:23:00.002-04:00

Dude, I know. I haven't been posting. Here's what we've been up to:

A few weeks ago Paul's parents were here along with Paul's godmother and his godchild Paulie. We had great time going to flea markets, driving up to North Carolina to gamble at the Cherokee casino (doubled our allotted money, thank you!) and touring a cave with an underground lake (really neat, you float around in a boat and can trail your hands in the water and watch the shadowy fish make ripples around them). We also had tons of good meals and I got to watch Paul with Paulie which is adorable, albeit a little bittersweet for me.

I've been working at the preschool for the past 2 1/2 months and I really, REALLY enjoyed working with 'my babies'. Getting to see children crawl for the first time or take their first steps or what have you on a regular basis is major job satisfaction. But, driving just under an hour each way on the freeway every day so that my 'part-time' job became 9 1/2 hours out of the house every day was just too much. So, I enjoyed my job but continued to search for something better. Two weeks ago I got a job as an office manager for an apartment complex, its just a few minutes away and the pay is almost $2 more per hour. I miss my babies a lot but I can't argue with either the hours or the pay for this new job. (By the way, I just realized that because Paul and I both get paid every week and there are five or our pay days this month and because I didn't take a break between jobs and am still owed a paycheck from the preschool we will be getting ELEVEN paychecks this month. I just let out a little hysterical giggle when I realized that. Of course, there is such a huge shortfall every month between what we need and what we get that we still probably won't have enough money, but GEEZ, eleven paychecks in a month is pretty rockin'.)

I also went through our budget with a fine tooth comb again and realized that there are only three things that we can change. One is that we need to make more money which is a large part of why I changed jobs (isn't it sad that I get paid so much more for typing up invoices and spreadsheets than for caring for people's CHILDREN). Paul accepts as much overtime as is offered to him but can't do much more to earn more money since he is working at a job where he needs to bide his time in order to get promotions and raises. His job has the potential to be well-paying, he just has to hang on until time passes and other people leave. The next thing that our budget showed me was that the only non-necessity bills that we have every month are internet/cable and World of Warcraft. Now, basically these things are pretty much our entire entertainment budget and we're okay with that. I did cut back to basic cable to save $15/month, but other than that its pretty much non-negotiable. Lastly, we need to move to a cheaper place. This place is nice, but its bigger than we need, we have horrible neighbors, we can't get anything fixed and its just too expensive. So, we've been spending a lot of time checking out apartments and houses etc. to rent. This weekend we found one that we're hopeful about. Its a WEE tiny house with a big backyard and deck and general cuteness...and its $105 cheaper per month than this place plus so much smaller that our heating and air conditioning costs will surely be lower.

So, looking for a place to live, starting to clean and box things up, cutting back our already bare-bones spending, leaving a job and starting a new one, visiting relatives and the usual cooking and cleaning (bear in mind that cooking for the four of us is exhausting and time consuming because we all need special, homemade food that is acceptable for our various food related issues) etc. has just been taking up every minute of my time. Plus, I'm going through a period of insomnia again so when I am relaxing I'm sort of spaced out and staring vacantly at the ceiling.

I'm really going to try to update here more often, hopefully regularly again, and by the new year things should be back to normal again.

Whew! What's new with you?

Sorry!

2008-10-01T19:37:00.002-04:00

Hey, folks! I'm totally still alive, I swear. Just so busy and so tired. But I'm fine, honest!

I have not given up on my blog and I really want to write more but things are just hectic right now. More soon, I swear!

No, it is not a word and you should stop using it now.

2008-09-07T12:05:00.006-04:00

Paul is terrific. We have been having trouble with the devil known as the cable company...you know which one...for more than a month now and we had been trying to get then to come out. The first time they were scheduled to come out and try to figure out the problem they called beforehand and asked Paul to describe the problem (cause we hadn't described it TWENTY TIMES to FORTY different employees all of whom were BAFFLED and then LIED to us about what was wrong, but I digress). When Paul did describe the problem the tech said that it was almost certainly the box and if he had to come out to just switch the box he would have to charge us $30+. So we cancelled at at his suggestion drove to their office and switched out the box. We then repeated the procedure a week later with the modem. We still weren't working right so we scheduled another appointment. They didn't show up and somehow managed to call and leave a message saying 'you aren't home so we aren't coming' even though we had A) called them to make sure they were coming, B) were assured that they would call three times before giving up and C) called them to tell they we were getting spotty phone service but were home and waiting frantically for them to show up.

ANYWAY, Paul called them to tell them that this was utterly unacceptable and that they should get their asses here now. NOW. He went from the first CSR to the next and then asked to speak with the supervisor. The CSR, OF COURSE, tried to refuse to let him speak to the supervisor. He repeated his request over and over and then came the moment; the CSR said something (I couldn't hear his side of the conversation obviously) and Paul said 'irregardless is not a word and let me speak with your supervisor now!' It was awesome and as my sister said when I told her the story 'wow, that could make you fall in love with a guy'. Too true.

Change Change Change

2008-09-05T16:45:00.002-04:00

I very rarely talk about politics here for three reasons:
1) I am only a permanent resident here in the US and I do not wish to say things that will somehow (remember the severe paranoia) land me on the radar of someone whose radar I do not want to be on.
2) No politicians ever seem to have anything new to say so why bother caring.
3) I don't care. Not at all.

Except now suddenly I do. It is my first election here in the US and, of course, I can't vote in it since I'm not a citizen, but it still affects me greatly. Do I want four more years of this misery; war, recession, global climate change, or do I want change? Yes, change for change's sake. Change change change. I want change and for the first time in my life I believe that it will happen, that is if Obama/Biden win. I'm nearly vibrating with tension waiting for the next two months to go by to see if America will get a chance to rebuild itself or whether we will fall further into chaos.

However, if McCain/Palin win Paul says we can start looking to move back to Canada. So I win either way.

Of course dogs can pick out and sign cards

2008-09-04T21:04:00.005-04:00

I'm sure some of you (and here I'm thinking of you, Bernice) will think this is super stupid but I was so touched by the birthday card Paul gave me 'from' the dogs. He was great this birthday and with this kind of card he reminds me of why I love him AND like him:

Front (Note: we call Waffles "Webby" or "Wiffy" most of the time)

Inside

The colors are not sharp for some reason, I'm terrible at scanning. But, is that not the sweetest thing ever?

My days are filled with poo so you can damn well read about it

2008-08-24T00:16:00.003-04:00

Sooo tired, but I have to update here. I'm not abandoning this blog, I swear, but we've been so busy lately plus my new job plus being sick, its just all been too much. But for today again, just some catch up.

So,

1) I'm getting better. I'm finished my second batch of antibiotics yesterday and so far they seem to be working as opposed to the first batch which could not help my powerfully weak immune system. I'm still coughing and phlegmy (AKA SO Sexy) and weak, but I feel like I'm on the mend. My bosses have been extremely understanding of my absences so early in this job. They say that this is what happens to everyone their first few months of working in a large group of small children, so hopefully after a few more months I'll have a bit more immunity to everything.

2) My job is going okay. Its a long commute every day and the day is long for me but the kids are awesome and I totally miss them on days when I'm not there. I spend most of my time in the infant rooms and I like them best. The teacher to my 'assistant teacher' the other day told me that I was a natural around the babies and that she had missed me while I was sick. Whee! I also LOVE the fact that its a Christian school. We sing Christian-y songs a lot and listen to them too. We put up Bible verses around the room and tell the babies stories from the Bible as well. I love love love that as it is very natural for me. As well, I was a bit worried that in this day and age it was going to be not appropriate to hug and snuggle the babies and I didn't know how I would manage that. But everyone does it and its a great pick-me-up when a one year old toddles up to you and wraps himself around you and just holds you for a minute before going back to play. Its neat too seeing babies take first steps and first words. No matter how many times I see a baby take his or her first steps it never gets old.

I spend some time in the toddler rooms too which is not my favorite but its usually just covering breaks. I love toddlers but they're just a bit too high energy for my sickly self. The toddler room entertains me though because of the things they say and I find myself saying. Here's a conversation I had with Riley the other day:

Riley - Miss Jennifer, I have a poopie.

Me - Do you really?

Riley - *laughing hysterically* NO! I'm just TEASING!

Me - Uh-huh.

2 minutes later

Riley - Miss Jennifer, I have a poopie.

Me - Do you really?

Riley - *nearly on the floor laughing* NO!

2 minutes later

Riley - Miss Jennifer, I have a poopie.

Me - No you don't.

Riley - *instantly bawling* I DOOOOOOOO!

Me - Okay let's go change you.

Riley - Okay, but I want you to do it and no one else and I want to hold the new diaper while you do it and that's how I want it.

Me - Fine.

*changing*

Riley - *suddenly bawling again*

Me - What's wrong, hon?

Riley - I have an ITCH!

Me - Where is your itch?

Riley - Where I POOOOOOOOED!!!

Me - Okay, well that will go away in a little bit, tell me a story about your day today and by the time you're done it will be gone.

Riley - Why does it itch where I poo? Does it itch where you poo too?

Me - Uhh. Well, sometimes when we poo we get itchy but if we clean ourselves very well like I'm cleaning your bum right now then the itch goes away.

Riley - So your poo place itches too?

Me - Um...so you have to clean up your poo really well.

This just went on and on. Ah, 3 year olds.

3) My birfday is today and Paul and I are going to be going out for Indian food and maybe to a movie of my choice (although we saw Hancock a few weeks ago and it would be hard to top, it was great). I told Paul that I didn't need or want any gifts but he got me great ones anyway and harrassed me to open them until I did, a day early. I've told him many times that to me a big part of a gift or card, even a $5 item,is that its purchased in advance and wrapped with care and arrives on time etc. So he went, on his own, and bought me a card and Eeyore wrapping paper and wrapped up my stuff. It meant SO much to me, almost as much as the gifts! He got me some drugstore type items that I love; candy and pens and things. Plus a PedEgg...have you seen those commercials? Ew, eh? The PedEgg is like a foot file deal to help make your feet sandal ready smooth and its pretty neat, although my feet are a bit raw now. Then the best gift...Shortly after our wedding my engagement ring broke. At first we thought it was just a prong around the stone, but it turned out to need a fairly complicated weld and we could never afford to get someone to weld platinum properly and reset the stone. So, I went without my engagement ring which really bothered me. But Paul snuck the ring and stone out of my jewelry box and had it fixed for me. He had them put it in a beautiful new box and put a slip of paper into the box that said 'will you marry me?'
LOVE IT! Great gift. I was thrilled.

4) I have pages and pages of unanswered emails and un-responded to comments and I'm gonna just give myself a pass on that. I don't have the emotional energy to respond so I'm just gonna cross that off my list. I truly hope that that is not rude. Once again, I'm just going to say that most of you just rock. I got so many supportive and wonderful comments after we lost our baby and in general regarding all of our other problems. I'm so utterly grateful, there are no words to describe. Nancy F., Kimberly L. and so many others who I'm sure I should name by name, you guys have moved me beyond words and you are in my prayers every day. Thank you all for more support than I could have imagined and I hope you'll forgive me if I don't respond to you right now...its all just too much.

***

Oh, and an edit. FRICKING COMCAST!!! Our internet and cable and thus also phone have been working only sporadically for about a month now and have worked hardly at all this weekend. So, you're trying to call us? Good luck. Also, we finally changed our phone number to a Tennessee number last week so if you're somebody who calls us please email me for our new number or call Paul on his cell if you have that. Thanks!

Its a scary world

2008-08-15T22:16:00.003-04:00

Dude, I am so horrifyingly sick. I got sick after 3 days at the preschool and then spent about 2/3 of my first paycheck on doctor's co-pays and fog-inducing medicine then went back to work for 4 days and then was torn back down into crazy-stupid-incoherent sick and spent the remaining 1/3 of my first paycheck on another doctor's co-pay, some stronger antibiotics, a warm mist vaporizer and numerous bags of lozenges. My tonsils are so swollen that the doctor had to get a medical student to come look at the amazing sickie and then called Paul over to look as well. Paul said it was 'gruesome' and the medical student asked if I was able to eat at all around the swelling.

Anyway, its a good thing that I'm too sick to go on our nightly dog/exercise walks cause Paul and I have scared ourselves off those with the dumbest game ever. We walk at 12:45 am when Paul gets home, so it is pitch dark (there are only a handful on street lights in our whole subdivision) and deeply creepy. A bear has been sighted in our neighborhood and a skunk lives outside our back door. So, in this already frightening environment we play 'you know what would be scary?' For example as we walk we point to a particularly dark corner somewhere and say 'you know what would be creepy? If some guy was just standing there, watching us'. Or, 'you know what would be creepy? If the lights on that truck at the end of the street suddenly came on but it didn't move at all'. I now play this unintentionally even inside the house. Our spare bedroom has a big recliner in it and when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night the other day I could just see the chair in the glow of the hall nightlight and I thought 'you know what would be creepy? If someone was just sitting in the chair, looking at me'. As you can see, we have rediscovered a classic horror movie theme...that someone running headlong towards you is scary, someone standing still and staring at you is WAYWAYWAY more horrendous. I guess because it is totally unexpected?

So, between all this, the Montauk Monster and the Chupacabra , we are staying inside for now. Its creepy enough in here.

Boy, times have changed.

2008-08-05T22:05:00.005-04:00

I forgot to mention yesterday that we did not get that middle-of-nowhere house. Sadly, we were second in line and the first in line folks got it. Thanks for the advice, by the way, about the perils of living in the middle of nowhere, but I grew up on a farm 8 miles from the nearest town of 1500 people so I'm well aware. We are continuing to look for something else though, the availability down here is the pits though.

**********

My illness took a turn for the worse last night as I lost my voice completely and stopped having the ability to breathe, which, as it turns out, is pretty crucial to one's peace of mind. I was forced to call in sick today and fortunately got an appointment at my doctor's office in the afternoon. The doctor felt that what he saw was 'not good'. He suspects whooping cough (although I've had all the shots, I'm not sure how that works) or bronchitis with a side of pleurisy so I've determined that I must be a character in a Laura Ingalls Wilder book because who gets whooping cough and pleurisy, come on! Anyway, he says I must not go back to work til Friday at the earliest depending on how the drugs work for me. He gave me mega antibiotics and a cough medicine because he's not exactly sure what's wrong so after a few days he'll be able to determine better what's wrong based on how well the medicine works.

The cough medicine is, sadly, Guaifenesin and Hydrocodone so if you try to call me in the next few days do not expect coherence. I used to enjoy being told that I had to take Vicodin for some illness, 'whee, Vicodin land!', but I most certainly do not anymore. Since the onset of the Mystery Illness (almost exactly a year ago and started with a head cold, but I'm not panicking. Ha!) I'm too frightened to take anything that may alter my state of consciousness, including alcohol and Vicodin is in a WHOLE OTHER LEAGUE so I'm petrified to take the first dose tonight. (Paul bought me Robitussin on the weekend and I wouldn't take any until he promised to lie on the bed and talk me down when I freaked out and that was after a 5 year olds dose.) Hm, the incoherence is beginning, isn't it, and I have only taken the antibiotics so far. Anyway, all drugs now induce the following conversation between me and Paul:

Me - (within 15 minutes of taking a totally appropriate amount of medicine for a legitimate medical concern) Paul, am I going to die?

Him - No, sweetheart you are not going to die, the medicine is just making you feel that way but you are fine, the medicine is helping and I'm right here.

Me - SWEAR to me that I'm not going to die.

Him - You're not going to die, honey, I'm right here.

Me - Do you SWEAR?!

Him - Yes, I swear, you're not going to die from a teaspoon of Robitussin.

Me - You're making fun of me while I'm DYING!

Him - You're not dying.

Me - Do you SWEAR?

I'm not dead, I swear!

2008-08-04T22:06:00.002-04:00

So, I got that job at the preschool. I started my third week today. Its a decent job; relatively good pay and very nice people - although the commute is murder. My official title is 'Assistant Teacher' but currently I'm a floater, spending the first 2/3 of the day covering other peoples' breaks and then for the last part of the day I go to the youngest classroom which is kids 6 weeks to around 10 months or so (based on abilities). That's my favorite part of the day, I really, really like the littlest babies. I change around 25 diapers per day and always smell like poo and spit-up, but I don't mind that too much.

Like I said, its a decent job but man I am WIPED OUT. Working for the first time in so long plus recovering from the miscarriage plus I got a vicious cold after three days there (surprise!) and I'm still not better, I'm thinking by now that its probably bronchitis but my doctor is on vacation so I'll try to wait a bit longer before seeking help. I have been feeling terrible but so far have managed not to miss work, thank goodness, I would hate to have to call in sick in the first month for heaven's sake.

I've been very occupied with the stinkin' OB/GYN of course too. Barring unforeseen circumstances though, and after waiting for a full, erm, cycle we should be able to start trying again, that would be a real load off my mind. The OB says that he can see no specific cause for our loss and that the chances are very high that it was my body's natural way of getting rid of a child that could not have possibly developed normally or at all. It doesn't lessen the pain but its reassuring to know that it is nothing we did or didn't do and that it shouldn't affect our future chances for conception.

Okay, that's all the energy I have for today but I wanted to let you all know that I'm still here. Thanks again for all your well wishes and condolences.

2008-07-21T19:12:00.003-04:00

I talked to an old friend today, one who also had a miscarriage many years ago (almost every female I've mentioned my loss to has either had a miscarriage or had a family member who did, its astonishing) and she hit the nail on the head about how it feels. She said something like 'I became a mom the day that I found out I was pregnant, but I had no baby to show for it in the end. I was a mom without a child.' That is exactly it. That's exactly how I feel.

But, life goes on for the rest of us, doesn't it? The day after we got the bad news I was out and about early in the morning to drive into Knoxville (downtown Knoxville yet- aka more construction and interstate confusion than you have EVER SEEN) and have a second interview for a job I really want. I cried three times on the lengthy trip there but I held it together for the interview and did okay, I think. Because the job involves working with children I then had to head further into the confusion to go to the police station and get fingerprinted. I got lost twice and cried a few more times but I made it. So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I want this job but I would like to have another week or two to get over the physical problems associated with miscarrying.

We are also perpetually looking for a new house to rent and saw a great one in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE on the weekend. It was a little old house with its own well for non-chemically-tasting water and so far in the country there is no trash service. Love that. So we put in an application and we'll hope on that too...although we were second on the list and I think that the stupid first people might get it.

We also managed to swing money for a movie this weekend and went to see The Dark Knight at the super cheap little theater here in our small town. Pretty good, eh? L-O-N-G though and seriously depressing. The subject matter was already depressing enough and then watching Heath Ledger's amazing final performance was even more depressing. Good movie though.

So, as always, we're waiting for stuff and hoping for good news but we're doing a bit better.

Still Going

2008-07-18T18:26:00.002-04:00

We're doing okay. Paul gets over things quickly and has tons of faith that we will be blessed again with a baby. I get over things much more slowly plus I'm still in discomfort with moments of significant pain and still bleeding so I can't even begin to emotionally get past this while I'm still physically going through it.

I miss her (I thought of the baby as female almost immediately for some reason). For a few days there I had this amazing secret, I was growing a child inside of me. When I started getting a bit of bleeding, before I became worried, I read a lot about implantation bleeding and so I talked to my little girl and told her to find a good spot and hold on tight. And when the bleeding got worse and I knew something was wrong I talked more and told her how badly we wanted her and how she should please work hard and stay with us. So now I miss her, I feel so empty and lonely and I'm so very tired.

Thanks again guys for everything. I'll continue to keep you updated and hopefully soon I'll be able to talk about something other than our loss.

2008-07-16T17:32:00.002-04:00

Ernest Hemingway has a whole lot of wisdom I've learned. This is my current favorite:

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at the broken places. "

Thanks guys, for the comments and a whole lot of emails. My 'internet friends' have overwhelmed me in the past while with their support. Every email or comment or phone call that I've received has raised my spirits for a moment and at this point even a moment is more than I could have hoped for.

Thank you to those of you who have reached out to Paul and I and offered your support, and thanks especially that you reached out and didn't wait for me to do it...cause I can't. I have some tremendous friends.

Gone

2008-07-14T22:04:00.003-04:00

In the spirit of the tremendous support that I've gotten from some of my readers in past times of crisis, I'm going to share something that I never, ever wanted to have to share.

Paul and I had a wonderful six days this past week. I took a pregnancy test a week ago Sunday and it was positive. Then I took two more and they were positive too. It was the happiest day of our lives. On Saturday, though, I began to get cramps and bleed and I had to go to the ER. At the ER they told us that they had seen the gestational sac on our ultrasound and prescribed me progesterone to help me maintain the pregnancy. By the time we got home though there was a message on our answering machine that they had mixed me up with someone else and that there was no evidence of a pregnancy remaining on my ultrasound and that the prescriptions were for the other woman who still had her child. We went to the OB today and were told that the baby was probably gone and that I was in the process of miscarrying. For some this is more of a rapid process than others, for me it has been four full days of bleeding and discomfort and that may continue for another week or even more.

I never dreamed I would have to say this but we were pregnant and we lost our child. Please bear with me in the next little while as our grief is almost more than we can handle. We will continue to hope and pray and try but God feels very distant from us right now and we wish sometimes that we could understand his ways a little better. It is difficult to understand how God decides who should be blessed with a baby and when. It is difficult too, sometimes, to believe that God isn't 'angry' with me or with us when life has been so hard.

Please pray for us if you believe in that kind of thing...pray that we will be able to come to terms with this, pray that we will get pregnant again and, please, that the bleeding and pain will end soon so that if this is going to be over it will be over soon.

Commenting on Comments

2008-07-08T21:43:00.003-04:00

Thanks for all the comments and emails lately, I appreciate it. Its great to know that I have a support system in place for when I'm down and a cheering section for when I'm up.

Rather than leaving epic comment responses allow me to just respond here. I really appreciated your comments in regards to the 'happiness' post and also had some emails from new readers in regards to it. I was genuinely interested in what people had to say as I think the whole subject of what makes us happy is one that needs to be studied more in this age of rampant depression and anxiety. I do not want to just 'take the pills' to make me better. I may or may not use them to aid me through my depression but I took many different pills for many years and never found ones that helped much. This blog, ranting and raving and receiving comments and emails from you all helps more than taking all the pills in the world.

One commenter said:
"I also wonder, is the single Dane who didn't go to college really that happy about all his tax money going to pay for slackers to stretch out their college time, or all these people taking child leave? Or do they just not complain in English?"

Well, yeah, for sure the single Dane is not happy about that. But I know many people here in America and Canada who have put money into unemployment insurance every day of their adult lives and never taken one cent of it. Or people that struggle to make ends meet without any government help while the person down the street takes every bit of government aid they are allowed, even when they don't need it and uses the money to buy $200 sweaters. That happens EVERYWHERE. I doubt if there is an exception. Every country that offers government aid of any kind is going to have people who abuse it and people who resent the abusers for it. I resent the HELL out of people here who don't need welfare but take it because they can...but that doesn't mean I'm not unbelievably grateful that should I ever need government help it will probably be there for me.

Also, I agree that using other people's happiness level as a yardstick for my own is, in some ways foolish. I do however think that I often just assume that other people, because they cover up their stress and sadness better, are blissfully happy and it makes me feel more 'normal' to know that they are struggling too.

I loved this comment:

"i think contentment in life works apart from circumstance because i think its how you view yourself in the universe- you can be miserable and rich. it's how much you're willing to let go of your anxiety and fear over things you can't control- though it sounds wonderful to be a dane."

Very true and something to think about.

Now, for the post before that where I ranted about our money situation. I am so deeply appreciative of your comments offering advice. Most of you suggested government help but sadly we do not qualify for any. As an immigrant my options in that department are very limited and, more to the point, Paul makes too much money to qualify for any! Paul earns a decent living, the problem is that we have so many huge debts, including MASSIVE student loans that we have to try and pay off. We are considered too well off to get assistance. It doesn't matter that we pay the equivalent of 25% of Paul's pay every month in healthcare costs or that another 25% goes to debt repayment leaving us with not enough to live on...the need for government assistance is calculated without taking those things into account and we do not qualify.

One comment said this:

"Does money buy happiness? Not exactly, but it buys temporary joy and a steady sense of security that people who have money just CANNOT understand...I still had my moments of loneliness and sadness... but being able to go out and buy some books, have a nice meal, see a movie, or buy a nice top (AFTER paying off all bills), was the most incredibly settling feeling. "

Precisely. Money doesn't really buy happiness, I know that. But it buys an unbelievable amount of security.

As for our prescriptions, good points all but again it doesn't really work for us. Similar to what I said about making too much money for government assistance, we have quite good health insurance from Paul's work. $30 co-pays for most doctor visits and decent prescription coverage. Paul's diabetic test strips would be $150ish without the insurance and are $5 with it! Wow, eh! However his two new pills he has to take each fall in the $25 per month category or co-pay and mine are both $50 per month (the highest co-pay you can get on our plan). So, ultimately we are paying VAST amounts less than an uninsured person would. But it still adds up to $160 per month for prescriptions alone. I did find a work-around of a sort for my two new eye medications. One of them, as it turns out I was only supposed to take for one month and I got samples ( I ALWAYS ask for as many samples as they'll give, I'm not proud ) enough for a week and a half...the samples are done now and I just won't fill that prescription. We don't have the money and it was only for 2 and a half more weeks anyway. The other prescription of mine is Restasis which comes in a box of 30 individual vials, one for each day of the month. They tell you on the box to ONLY USE THE VIAL FOR ONE DAY, PEOPLE! But I talked to my opthalmologist and he said that if I could stretch it out I should by all means do so. So, as far as I can tell each vial will actually last me two, sometimes two and a half days. That helps a lot. Its still WAY more than we can swing, but its getting closer.

Whew, this is getting really, really long.

One last topic. I want to point out that I'm trying really hard to find a job and that Paulie is working unbelievably hard at his. We are in much better shape, financially, than we were a year ago. I get frustrated because I want things to be paid off, but we are doing so much better than before...I just tend to focus on the fact that we are not doing as well as I want to be. I know, bad attitude. When I met Paul he had been through a very rough patch in life. Very. And he had let things slide. I believe when I figured it all out, he, we, had 33 outstanding debts. We have worked very hard and can now say that we have 13 outstanding debts. Two we will be done paying next month ($25 each) Five we are actively (although very slowly) paying off. One is a student loan in forbearance and that leaves six that we need to deal with; that we haven't worked on at all. Out of those, 2 are in the $250 neighborhood and 1 is under $500, the other three are large. So, we still owe more than I can ever fathom paying off but we have done unbelievable things in the last three years and paid off more than I could have ever believed possible. I just wanted to make sure that I put that out into the universe, that yes we are in rough shape, but we have done such incredible things and are in a better place than we were.

Whether or not I take my Zoloft is UP TO YOU! (A happiness survey)

2008-07-04T18:12:00.006-04:00

I have lots of updating and commenting on comments that I need/want to do, but first I want to write about this since I am desperately curious to know the answer to a question.

Some background:
I've been utterly fascinated with the topic of 'happiness' lately, and it seems that other people are too. I've seen more than one 'report on happiness' on those hour long information-style shows. Its an interesting topic because its something that every single person wants and so many of us don't have. To me the most interesting aspect is what makes us happy. The 60 Minutes report that I watched discussed Denmark and how it is known to be the happiest country in the world.

"Dorset says that contentment may stem from the fact that Denmark is almost totally homogenous, has no large disparities of wealth, and has had very little national turmoil for more than a half century. "We have very little violence. We have very little murders. So people are, feel very safe," he says. He says people feel secure. "[A] knife stabbing makes the front page every time. Yeah, I don't think that happens in America very often," Dorset says."

Fascinating, no? I think that the large disparities of wealth here in America and Canada are sometimes the most difficult for us. I know they are for me. I know that in many countries around the world people are starving and homeless...but I don't see them or talk to them. I do, however, see the people on the Suze Orman show who ask her if they can afford a villa in the south of France. 'Show me the money,' she replies and they start off with 'well, our combined monthly income is $12000, we have $500000 in an IRA and another $250000 in savings...' Fuck you, seriously. As a (relatively) poor person, looking for work, filled with anxiety and depression - that kind of disparity makes me almost physically sick. And there's rarely a rhyme or reason to it, the hardest working single moms are the ones, often, who can barely afford their rent and the slackers who get their job from Daddy make enough to buy a new car every year and pay for their home outright. Um, bitter much? (And don't bitch at me for my generalizations - depression, let me tell you, gives you the amazing ability to generalize like you would NOT BELIEVE.)

The thing for us is that Paul and I would have enough money if it weren't for his debts - 75% of which is student loans. He thought that becoming an engineer would be a virtually guaranteed well paying job so the student loans would be worth it. Nope. So, next quote:

"(the Danes) have no student loans hanging over their heads. All education is free in Denmark, right on through university. And students can take as long as they like to complete their studies. "And we get paid to go to school actually. Instead of in the U.S. you pay to go to school, we get paid to go to school if we pass our exams," a student explains.

"Americans watching this particularly people your age would be bowled over by the very idea that the government pays you to go to school," Safer remarks. "Yeah," the student acknowledges. "I'm being paid right now for not going to school. I'm being paid for parenting," another male student tells Safer. "It's 100 percent paid for by the government for half a year."

Denmark also provides free health care, subsidized child care and elder care, a social safety net spread the length and breadth of the country. "I mean, we're pretty much free to do whatever we want. We're secure from the day we're born. For a Dane who lives in Denmark," a male tells Safer. "

There's the key, I think, the key to what would make me happy and content and most of you too "We're secure from the day we're born." Denmark has got it absolutely right. Absolutely.

The price the Danes pay is an approximately %50 rate of taxation. Steep, but if you got free school, free health care, paid maternity/paternity leave etc., wouldn't you be willing to pay %50? I sure as hell would. We would be better off by a huge margin right now if we made 50% less (really more like %25 when you take into account the taxes we already pay and our skyrocketing health insurance premiums) but had no health care costs and student loan debts.

Oh, and the Danes also work, on average, 37 hours a week and get, on average, 6 weeks of vacation. So, do you all want to live there now?

Basically, what this article indicates is that Danes feel 'tucked in' by their government. They feel that it is uncorrupt and that it genuinely has their best interest at heart. As well, they feel that their world is stable and predictable. I cried a lot after I watched the show because it was like someone had put into words exactly what I feel that I lack in life. Our life is absolutely unstable and unpredictable. Right now rent has not been paid and is four days late, how we will pay it is as yet unknown. We will work it out, in the end, we always do. But in the meantime - unstable, unpredictable, unfair. You name it.

I'm getting closer to the question, I swear.

A few weeks ago I called my mom, and my dad answered. He is a great dad but we don't have too much to say to each other so its usually just 'how are you' and then talk to mom. Every time I ask my dad how he is he says "Great!" With genuine enthusiasm. I asked him in this call if he was really and truly 'great' "Are you really that happy and perky every day, Dad? Are you really 'great'. He thought for a split second and then answered that he sure was. "Life is good," he said. (I asked him further if he had always felt that way and he said that it got more so as he got older, which I'm clinging to as a lifeline of hope for myself as I age.)

I thought about all of this a lot; Denmark and my Dad and the other things I had heard about happiness and then I got to talk to a checker at Walmart yesterday. I was having a truly hideous day already and then grocery shopping while trying to decide what's crucial and what has to be cut out due to lack of funds, plus reading labels and trying to find food that's low sugar, low carb, low sodium, low fat etc. You can imagine my mood. The cashier asked me how I was and you know how some days you just can't do the generic 'Fine, and you?' It was one of those days. I said 'I'm actually really shitty, how are you'. 'Life is great!' he said. I pursued that and asked him if it really was and he said 'any day I'm on God's green earth is a good day,' and I think he really meant it! This guy was middle aged, gray hair, quite overweight, thick glasses, no wedding ring, not the guy we normally assume is going to be happy. But he was!

So, I couldn't stop thinking about this. I know that I'm depressed so I'm a poor judge, but I want to know 'how happy or content are you?' On a scale of 1 to 10 on an average day. I really, truly want to know because I think it will be A) interesting and B) give me an idea of where I should be. Cause I ain't there now.

Are you happy?

Money DOES buy happiness and if you think it doesn't, it is because you have some

2008-07-01T16:42:00.005-04:00

I'm tired. Being poor makes you tired. Exhausted. I have no jobs on the horizon yet (although I've applied for four very promising ones in the past week) and Paul's company put a halt to all overtime as of today and between Paul's new diabetes prescriptions and the prescriptions my opthalmologist gave me yesterday we now have $165 in medication cost per month. We don't have $165! We don't have anything, we can never go on dates, we need haircuts, we need clothes and we can't do any of it. Paul is on day 9 of 12 days in a row of work and yet we STILL can't make any progress. Well, that's not true, we are actively paying off four debts right now and that's great, its just overextending us FAR past what we can take.

Between our illnesses and my lack of work and Paul's too much work and constantly sick dogs and unexpected expenses and on and on we are tapped out in every sense of the word. Plus there is another factor in our lives that I cannot under any circumstances talk about but involves someone we know who is making our lives 10 times more miserable and there is nothing we can do about it. I've talked to my mom about this person and my mom, the devout Christian believes that this person is literally possessed by the devil.

I hear about how poor people have a higher rate of divorce and die sooner and things like that and I totally get that. Utterly. I can't imagine that there is anything more fatiguing than being poor. You can't work to fix any of your problems because it costs money to try and fix them and you can't go out and have fun to try and forget your problems for a bit cause you don't have money to do that. Not to mention that poor people are often fat and unhealthy because healthy food costs about 3 times more than unhealthy food so that makes we poor people die sooner too.

I've been trying to be a bit more upbeat lately and sometimes I succeed for a bit but today I can't. Maybe I can tomorrow again but today I can't. I firmly believe that for us, money would buy happiness. We are exhausted. I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this.

Weird Winnipeg

2008-06-29T16:12:00.004-04:00

I've never been a fan of the art-house style of film. I don't 'get' those film festival staples. I'm not sure why, really, I'm a pretty smart person, I'm knowledgeable about a lot of things and I have an open mind...but that type of movie baffles and bores me.

Paul got the opportunity to work 4 hours of overtime yesterday and 12 today. Poor guy! that means he works 12 days without a break, but we are SO broke and he is SO hardworking, he agreed. I was dreading today, feeling sorry for Paul and thinking of 13 hours alone on a rainy Sunday (for lots of you that sounds like heaven, doesn't it?) so I decided to scroll through Comcast's On Demand features and one of them was 'My Winnipeg' , my former home. To watch the movie was $2 more that the other movies - $6.99. Isn't that INSANE! But I was desperately bored and we haven't rented movies in months so I decided to give it a go. I've been feeling very homesick lately and the blurb about the film indicated that it was 'a tribute' to Winnipeg and 'hysterical'.

Um, no. The creator, Guy Maddin, claims the film is a documentary but its not (his 'mother' in the film is a semi-famous actress). It was just...awful. The movie is almost all in black and white and much of it has fake snow superimposed over top of it. It was depressing and made Winnipeg seem like the worst place in the world. Winnipeg is portrayed as 'quirky' but in a bad way. I normally consider myself pretty well able to separate fact from fiction but I wasn't in this movie, Maddin mixes facts and 'facts' in such a way that I could never tell what was true.

(I didn't know that the Winnipeg Arena was demolished, by the way, and thought at first that that was another of his tall tales, but then he showed it getting destroyed and, holy moly, what an emotional moment! It was the only interesting part of the movie. The arena implodes and people in the background, off camera, are chanting 'Go Jets Go' and I BAWLED with homesickness)

I adore Winnipeg, I think it is one of the most amazing cities in the world. Quirky in a good way, open minded, open hearted and I was sad that this guy was making it out to be an eternally frozen city of misery where we all sleepwalk through our days.

Like I said, I don't get artsy movies and I surely didn't get this one. I suppose it was perhaps 'innovative', I didn't see that though. Please don't waste $6.99 on it like I did.

Funny AND Smart

2008-06-26T20:30:00.003-04:00

I really don't like to write things here that are political but since even my most innocuous comments seem to be misconstrued these days and since I found this SOSOSO funny, I must share it:

Me - ...yeah, he drives me nuts with his 'Democrats are evil, Republicans are awesome' emails.

Him - Yeah, me too.

Me - But, when you were younger you were the same way, right? Weren't you all 'Young Republican' and shit?

Him - Well, yeah, that changed when I grew up though.

Me - Why is that?

Him - Oh, well I supported the Republicans because I intended to be upper class.

HILARIOUS!

A Public Service Announcement

2008-06-23T18:40:00.004-04:00

So, let me ask you something. If you offered someone a beer and they said 'no thanks, I'm a recovering alcoholic', would you then say 'oh, come on, just one!' No, no you wouldn't, that would make you an ass.

Paul was diagnosed with diabetes last week. He got medication and we are being EVEN more careful about our eating habits and his blood sugar, although still high, has already gone down a lot. On his first day at work after his diagnosis he was offered a piece of candy and, using all of his willpower, he said that he couldn't have any because he had just been told he had diabetes. The woman who offered the candy said 'aw, come one, just one last hurrah'. Later he was offered a piece of birthday cake and when he said no and explained why, his coworker said 'oh come on, just one piece!'

Are you KIDDING?! How ignorant ARE people? Sugar is now the enemy and could literally, eventually kill him but you want him to have 'one last bite?' Nuh-uh.

I wonder sometimes if people are evil or just very stupid...

Field of Boobs

2008-06-23T18:35:00.002-04:00

After meeting a new person -

Me - She seemed quite nice, didn't she?

Him - She was hot.

Me - By 'hot' you mean 'she had big boobs', right?

Him - Great boobs.

Me - They weren't actually, they were very big but very droopy.

Him - Tits are tits! I don't care if they hang down to her ankles, I'd just tie them together and use them like a swing.

Me - Ew.

Him - *pensive* A whole boob jungle gym, is what I imagine heaven would be like. Boob swings and boob climbing bars and a boob slide.

Me - A boob slide would not be very slippery, hard to slide on.

Him - *happily* Well then, I'd just tumble down it giggling the whole way.

Multiple 'Murder, She Wrote' Epiphanies

2008-06-19T22:00:00.005-04:00

So, I was watching 'Murder, She Wrote' earlier and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Let me first explain that I love that stinkin' show, it reminds me of childhood and calm, happy times back when my family still lived on the farm and we could hear the cows mooing while we watched TV. There are a few shows that do that and I love that feeling and I'll never stop watching those shows. Our generic brand TiVo is set to record all episodes of 'Murder She Wrote' and when I'm feeling tense I start one up and feel better.

I realized today another part of the reason why: in the world of Jessica Fletcher, justice is always served. The bad guy gets killed and the worse guy who killed the bad guy gets caught, admits his crime and then gets thrown in jail. Jessica catches the killer and helps her niece or nephew or friend from way back through whatever romantic, financial or other crisis that they're going through. Then there's a final scene where somebody makes a pathetic joke and Jessica laughs and we get a freeze frame on her face. Every time. Justice prevails and everyone's happy.

It doesn't work that way in the real world. Paul and I try so hard to be 'good' people and strong Christians and yet more crap is always getting piled on us, it seems. Meanwhile the people around us whose every word is a lie and who don't take proper care of their children and break the law constantly? Those people get promotions and health and more kids. In Cabot Cove, though (or Manhattan in later episodes or Ireland or England or Australia or wherever J.B.'s book tour happens to take her) the bad guy goes to jail and the good guys have happier lives for it. It just makes me feel good.

I also realized while watching today's episode (Showdown in Saskatchewan with guest star Kristy McNichol) that if I could FIND a damn JOB I would like it to be in some field where I could help justice to be served. Law enforcement or border patrol or animal control or even a meter maid or something! Some job where I could make sure that rules are being followed and those who don't follow them get punished. I am SUCH a rule follower and it drives me INSANE CRAZY MENTAL (which, frankly, isn't a long car trip) when people don't follow the rules and yet get away with it. I realize that this makes me sound like an incredible goody-two-shoes (I don't drink, don't smoke, what do I do?) and I guess I kind of am and that's okay.

Sadly, most of those jobs I listed involve a lot of running around and I'm not physically able to do that due to the Mystery Illness. But, in any case, epiphanies are always welcome and this one may one day help me steer towards a rewarding job instead of just 'oh please any job please'.

Thanks Jessica!

Husbands and Other Annoyances

2008-06-18T23:11:00.004-04:00

So, in my kitchen I have two towels hanging up at all times, like this:

I find this system to be really clear. The towel above the sink is only for drying clean things, like your hands or washed dishes. See? Above the SINK is for drying CLEAN things. The towel on the stove is for wiping your hands clean of food or what have you while cooking. Again, see? The towel on the STOVE is for wiping off FOOD. I have had this system for 7 months now so the other day when Paul got it wrong again I kind of snapped and shrieked at him. His reponse 'I can't keep track of your COMPLEX RULES!'

That's marriage in a nutshell, I think. What one thinks is obvious the other thinks is fairly esoteric and then they both yell at each other and the cycle continues.

Speaking of extreme irritation...well, let me be fair by saying that Paul and I have needed a new couch since we started living together. His couch was old and secondhand already then and in the three years since then it has gotten a cigarette burn (stupid drunk friends), been peed on by a dog (stupid nervous Waffles), been thrown up on by two dogs numerous times and by an eight year old girl once. Because of all this I keep it covered up with a quilt as you will see in the picture below. The couch is nasty ass gross and God only knows when we will be able to afford a new one. However, we were still not prepared for Extreme Separation Anxiety Waffles and his amazing Powers of Destruction. Ta-Da!

Boys are so stupid.

Baby Making Month Number Four and other Life Updates

2008-06-10T23:46:00.006-04:00

So, you know how you make a baby, right? And you know how doing that is fun? No, its actually not. Sex is fun. Making-A-Baby-Sex not so much. Its hard to, say, lie back and relax when your biological clock is clanging like Big Ben in your head. My OB/GYN says that everything at first glance and first test looks fine and Paul is going in for a physical this week, and we have only been trying for four months - a millisecond compared to how long some couples have to try - but we are not feeling too positive. The OB says that in another month or two we can begin official testing since I am trying to have a 'late-in-life' baby (what kind of biological joke is it that THIRTY FIVE is late in life?) Paul and I have talked about our options and are prepared to do whatever it takes but it is difficult to not be pessimistic since everything in our life is always so difficult. My family is constantly amazed how things that take other people an hour take us a week and things that take others a month take us a year. In the end, we often get what we have strived for - but usually at great cost and after a great deal of time. My whole life has been that way, don't even get me started.

It does NOT help that my only sister-in-law is pregnant with her third and my only adult niece is pregnant with her second. There are people, too, who do not understand the difference between being envious and wishing it was me versus not being happy for the sister-in-law or niece. I wish those two women, my family, the very best, the happiest pregnancies and the healthiest children - but that doesn't mean that I can't cry with frustration and envy that the thing I have always wanted most in life is not happening - yet. And wouldn't it be great for all three of us to be pregnant at the same time? Alas, not yet.

It also doesn't help that, although I know that there are millions of women around the world who struggle for months or years to get pregnant, some at a cost of tens of thousands and some who never succeed, I don't know anyone like that. No one. Every woman in my family and amongst my friends has gotten pregnant in short order when trying or without even trying at all. Oops! I know that lots of people struggle, but no one that I know, that I can talk to.

I've, of course, stopped taking my Ativan. Its totally worth it, but shee-it is it difficult. My tension level is through the roof, my jaw is always clenched and I pretty much don't sleep anymore. Between the no Ativan at night and the extreme tension and anxiety that is part of me and the trying to remember to take my basal body temperature while still 'half asleep' and before having gotten up to pee or anything, sleep is pretty elusive. Plus I get a lot of headaches and body aches from my Mystery Illness and I can't take Advil so that doesn't help either. In the end, though, I'm willing to go through anything and everything to have a child. Doesn't mean I can't complain though!

We're doing everything we can, eating healthier, getting more exercise, taking prenatal vitamins, you name it, and hopefully it will pay off. We are so ready and so hopeful - four months isn't a long time to try after all - its just that we are so worried that this venture will go the way our other ventures have. We will have a baby one day, whether our biological child or not and for now, that desire is keeping us going.

In other update-y type news; my job did not work out as you may have already guessed. There were numerous reasons on both sides but it was not meant to be. It was good experience to get me back out there and I earned some money (although, shit, not much, especially since I had to clean toilets at the end of the night) but it was not something that was going to last. I am looking for something else but there are fairly slim pickings around here. I've had two other interviews so far and although they went well, neither panned out. I will keep trying.

Paul's job is going well although we're not sure for how long. He is doing great and is getting lots of praise, but the company has recently let go a significant portion of their staff and eliminated a lot of bonuses etc. The worst part so far is that the raise he was told he was going to get (a good one that we were SO counting on) is now not coming. The job is great and the company is pretty good, but in this economy, sheesh. We are crossing our fingers and praying a lot. At least though, Paul has been there for more than half a year now and has built up a great rapport with his superiors, so if the job does end, he will have experience using his degree and good references.

Our townhouse has gone from bad to worse since we got neighbours. Our unit is lovely and spacious but we have struggled since we moved in to get the owners to fix things. They simply don't return calls. Even when rain was quite literally pouring into our bathroom from the roof and mold was growing rampant we couldn't get them to help. Eventually they fixed the most critical issues but the semi-serious issues (like a toilet that is just RESTING on the floor instead of being ATTACHED to the floor) remain. We could live with that to a degree especially since the two middle units were empty and the people in the other end unit were okay. But last month both middle units filled up and, Lord help me, the ones next to us are awful. Waffles regularly gets so scared by the noise that they make (it sounds like constant, random banging on our connecting wall) that he has to run upstairs and hide under the covers. They wake me up at all hours of the night (and sleep is a damn precious commodity to me!) and are just noisy and generally obnoxious all day. There are at least six people living there that we know of and they leave their stuff all over and fill the back yard with their cars and they are just awful. We are fairly confident that we could break the lease without penalty though if we needed to, so I am continuing to look for something better. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go look at a little, old house with a yard for $100 bucks less per month than we pay here, so fingers crossed!

What else...the dogs are well. Waffles continues to become better trained and we adore him in a probably unhealthy way. Both Paul and I tend to sit and stare at him for minutes on end. He is SUCH a good looking, strong dog and so wonderfully gentle that he just breaks our hearts. When I give out treats Smeagol will snatch the bit of food from my hand no matter what I say or do. Waffles, with his powerful jaws and 32 pounds of pure muscle, will sit down and take the bite with the utmost care - never nipping my fingers. He is our pride and joy. We can't say enough good about him. He does have a strong separation anxiety though - I'll post some pictures in the next week or two so you can see what that anxiety makes him do.

Hopefully, God willing, I will find a new job soon...I feel so terrible that I am not helping my family financially. It feels dreadful to see Paul off to work every day - never late, never sick, always accepting overtime - and not be able to contribute as well. But, in the meantime, I check the web for hours every day - jobs for me, better jobs for him, houses for rent, fertility advice, healthy recipes. And I have the time to keep an immaculate home, make elaborate and healthy meals, walk the dogs three times a day etc. I'm rarely bored - although the OCD tendencies help with that a lot - the house is never clean enough so there's always something to do.

That's what's going on with us...thanks for reading folks, a few weeks ago I got my advertisements fully functional and got my first check the other day and truly enjoyed going to deposit it into our bank account. I hope you all keep reading and keep clicking on the ads if they interest you and hopefully I can continue to post content that is at least vaguely interesting. Smooches to you all.

So much pride in my new country

2008-06-05T15:54:00.009-04:00

Three and a half years ago I began visiting the southern US. I spent most of my time in Atlanta and was, honestly, amazed at how much of the population was black. (The city where I spent most of my adult life is around 2 or 3 % black.) I didn't mind, understand, but it was new and different for me. I would walk the dog through Paul's apartment complex and say hi to the other dog walkers (and one cat walker) and some days they were all black, except me. At first I couldn't understand every southern person, especially the young black men and women, they seemed to have a language all their own and I didn't always understand the accent or the words, much to my chagrin. I met a 60 year old black man at the body shop that Paul managed and when I said hello he ducked his head, called me 'ma'am' and backed away. I asked Paul why and he smiled sadly and said, 'he's old and he's black, he remembers what it was like to be called names that you can't imagine. He remembers segregated buses and bathrooms and, well, segregated lives.' Just a few days ago an acquaintance of Paul's referred to a black man as a 'spearchucker'. I love the South; the beauty of the terrain and the openness of the people but this racism is also part of the South that I have come to know.

Now, three years later, I pretty much understand every southerner. The other day I said 'dang' and 'y'all' in the same sentence. My only friends here in Tennessee are black. And now, so soon after I saw for the first time the racism that still exists here, a black man may well be the next president. I haven't stopped weeping tears of joy for two days. I am so proud, so very proud that finally there are enough people in this country who don't select their friends and employees and government officials by the color of the skin but by the content of their character - to quote another great black man.

I'm not an American citizen, only a resident here but Paul and I celebrated Senator Obama's presumptive nomination by printing out a voter registration for him and sending it in. Paul hasn't voted in ...well, a while, but I can assure you that I will be bawling all over again when he casts the vote for the change we so desperately need in this country.

One day I will be able to write that the next president of the United States is a woman, but for now 'may the best man win!'

This has made me giggle for two days

2008-05-29T17:16:00.003-04:00

From the ever fantastic http://ihasahotdog.com/

I don't have kids okay, so allow me my dog obsession!

2008-05-27T18:27:00.001-04:00

When Paul and I moved from Moldy Apartment #1 for our two month stay in Moldy Apartment #2 before moving permanently to Slightly Moldy Townhouse #1 we found that Smeagol and Waffles were fairly upset by the move and the mess and two sick 'parents' etc. Paul had Smeagol for years before he met me and she never had a crate or a bed to call her own (we bought her a bed at some point and she was fairly uninterested) but she was and is fairly unperterbubable so we weren't too worried. When we moved though, the already very tense Waffles became the Amazing Nervous Boston Terrier, so we bought him a $10 bed at Walgreens. This bed instantly became his and worked perfectly as the little safe nest that dog experts recommend all dogs have. He has two beds now, one upstairs and one downstairs but the disgusting cheapo bed, now grossly stained with God-knows-what is still a favorite and his retreat every time he gets scared - which is about 24 times a day (me turning pages in my book, me cooking, rain falling, having to go to the bathroom, having gone to the bathroom and on and on).

And so, a tribute to Wiffy and his bed - one of my rare good ideas and a perfect fit for a dog that is normally so tense that he makes me look relaxed:

And, while I'm at it, here are some other dog pictures that I've taken recently. Love them as much as I do!

A rare moment of rawhide chewy peace. Normally they are like two three year olds who want ONLY THE TOY THE OTHER ONE HAS!

They generally sleep in a pile like this, although, as you can see, neither one likes being the bottom half of the totem pole.

Steven Blue

2008-05-20T22:33:00.002-04:00

Last night I dreamt that Paul and I got pregnant, had a baby boy and named him 'Steven Blue'. The dream was so vivid and so awesome that when I woke up I had to cry because we are not yet pregnant.

The name...I could probably have a dream analysis FIELD DAY with it and I won't go into all that. Yikes. However I do rather like the name 'Blue'. Sadly, it would be very cruel to name the child of a depressed person 'Blue' wouldn't it. I've also always LOVELOVELOVED the name 'Tristan' but since that's derived from the French word for 'sad' that one is out too. Crap. Perhaps we should go the total opposite way if we are ever blessed with a child and name it like 'Joy' or 'Sunshine' or something...of course we are not hippies, so maybe not.

Anyway, tomorrow is OB/GYN day so maybe she can help us get to the point where picking out names isn't just for fun.

I see no connection between the titles of the movies I loved and the later gynecological questions.

2008-05-19T21:55:00.004-04:00

Recently Heather of www.dooce.com wrote about her depression and how she was 'barely holding her shit together' etc. and, at last count, she had 1041 comments. ONE THOUSAND FORTY ONE! Somehow this makes her depression seem more...valid than mine.

I've received quite a few emails and 'growing gifts' on Facebook and things lately and I haven't responded to a single one. Not one. Just can't. This, however, is my way of saying thanks to those of you who are aware and care.

In my ickiness I have been watching tons of movies lately and I saw 'Friends With Money', 'Holes' and 'Walk The Line' in the last little while and I HIGHLY recommend all of them. Delicious, every one. 'Friends With Money', in particular (I'm very comma-y today) is filled with great characters and the Frances McDormand character is Depressed (I find depression to be worthy of the capital, don't you think?) She stops washing her hair because it will just get dirty again and starts yelling at cashiers and stuff and I found it so very, very accurate. Woman with what appears to be a great life falls apart and no one understands why. Great movie and quite funny, despite the Topic.

Let us continue my quest to have totally disjointed blog posts now by asking you a gynecological question! Yay! Where I come from (the North Pole, essentially, according to locals) women go to General Practitioners/Family Doctors for all their medical issues, including down-there exams. They go to OB/GYNs when they are involved in the baby making process or have a specific, significant issue in that down-there area. I shouldn't make that a blanket statement, I suppose, but that has been my experience. Here (the South, or the US in general, I don't know) , most, if not all, GPs do not do pap smears etc, for that you must see an OB/GYN. So, in order to complete my complete physical I have to go to one and I'm doing that on Wednesday. My question is, when you have two regular doctors like this, when do you call the gynecologist for an appointment and when do you call the GP? Is the gynecologist only and completely for, like, reproductive organ issues? Or for anything specific to the female gender? I guess this is a dumb question but I really don't know as I've never been to an OB/GYN before.

Okay, I'm gonna go wash my hair now.

If A Poodle Had A Lid On

2008-05-11T08:21:00.002-04:00

Out of all the things that I could post right now, here's what I'm choosing:

I know nothing of the comic book franchise that is Iron Man, but I can certainly tell you that they made a FANTASTIC movie about him. Paul and I saw it last night (yay, date night!) and we both absolutely loved it. I didn't look at my watch once, Robert Downey Jr. was awesome, just fantastic all around.

After that we came home and watched 30 Days of Night...less good...I thought they maybe could have done something better with it but it sure did scare me...before bed I had to go get the quilt out of the dryer in the basement and I made Paul come with me.

Also in the media genre: It is well known that I have this weird obsession thing with WKRP in Cincinnatti. You may not even remember this sitcom but it was possibly the best one ever and its NEVER in reruns on TV and I would like to know WHY! Anyway, if you do remember the show, remember the closing theme? Not the awesome sweet opening theme (Baby, if you ever wonder...*sighs happily*) but the weird, unintelligible closing one? I've read before that the reason you can't understand the lyrics to it are because there are none, the guy just randomly sang into the microphone, but that is obviously wrong because my friend Chris sent me this:

Catch-Up

2008-05-03T07:39:00.003-04:00

Sorry folks, I've been really remiss with answering emails and responding to comments lately. My apologies. However, in response to your questions, I am pleased to announce that last night I worked my first shift at the bookstore. My feet hurt so bad that I could hardly walk when I got up this morning, but other than that it was okay. I work again today and tomorrow and a whole bunch next week so I may continue to be remiss with the email and comment responding since I'm gonna be awfully tired for a while until I get used to this again...if my old lady self CAN get used to retail again.

The job seems okay although I sure wish I wasn't in retail again, however, I also have an interview for a receptionist position later on this week. Yay!

Thank you so much for all your well wishes, I sure do appreciate it :)

Bits of Good News

2008-04-28T17:17:00.003-04:00

Okey, I've got another interview at the bookstore on Wednesday. Yay! I've been feeling really extra bad again for the past week so I'm hoping I'll feel perky on Wednesday. Plus I'll have to figure out a way to buy some clothes cause I can't wear jeans to this interview. Yeeks!

On another good note, Paul got a call from his boss's boss today and she mentioned that she could definitely see him 'in a position of authority' within the company. Yay! She basically said to keep doing what he's doing and that higher ups are noticing so who knows, maybe one day in the near future we'll have enough money to, you know, live!

Stupid More Admin

2008-04-26T08:47:00.003-04:00

This is driving me CRAZY! I've been working hard on fixing all the little problems and things that bugged me about the blog. I've been getting there, although with all of Blogger's bugs, it ain't easy. I also wanted to change my email address from jerajenn to popandsoda...which I accomplished by using the Blogger Help Group's suggestion of giving popandsoda author privileges and then revoking jerajenn's author privileges. Well that worked except then my profile, profile views and other things were gone. So, I added jerajenn back in order to retrieve that information and that worked except that now in my sidebar under 'Who Am I' it says my name twice, one for each email address. When you click on one you get my profile and accurate numbers, on the other you get nada. I need to fix this! I also want to show my entire profile or at least the first bit there on the sidebar but for some idiotic reason I can't figure out how to do that!

Gah, its too early in the morning. If any of you have suggestions on how to fix this stuff or other things that need to be fixed, please let me know!

Email Admin

2008-04-22T22:03:00.002-04:00

Hey people, I changed some email addresses around today. If I actually know you then I sent you an email with my new address and as you can see from up top there, blog related stuff now has its own separate email address - popandsoda@gmail.com. The old address will probably still be in use for a few months while I change everything over. Thankee!

Well, I guess I'll have to devote the rest of the day to crying now.

2008-04-21T16:01:00.004-04:00

Paul says the picture below is way too sad to post on the blog but here's the thing, I like when people read this blog and I hope that they do and that they enjoy it (and click on the ads, k?) but ultimately, I'm gonna put whatever content I want on it. If I wanted to focus on something in particular, I would, but my vision for this blog is just a simple snapshot of my life and what goes on in my head.

I had a long talk with my sister Bernice the other day and I said some stuff that she thought was insane (I get that a lot from my family) and I found myself saying something to the effect that it -might- be crazy, maybe I -am- crazy, 20+ years of depression is -going- to change your brain, its chemistry and its outlook on life. And then I realized that I absolutely believe that. I don't like the fact that I have to interrupt my day 3, 5, 10 times every day to cry, but I do like the fact that I am so moved by the world and its people and its animals and its Creator. I don't want to have had a life of depression, but it has made me who I am and although I am not always fond of myself, I'm fiercely proud of the fact that I'm still alive and kicking and I'm thrilled that I have a husband who smiles at me with such love when I cry about some phone company commercial or picture on the Internet because he loves 'emotional me' too.

Life has not turned out how I expected, but on this blog you maybe get to see little pictures of what my life is like. Maybe you fnd that interesting, or maybe it helps you understand how I tick (f you're a friend or family member and WANT to understand how I tick) or maybe it bores or irritates you and that's okay too, bye!

This picture is so very, very sad and I want to help this man and dog so badly but the picture can be seen as so wonderfully happy too, in a way. This man may be homeless (and I don't think the picture was set up, my cynical husband, but even if it was, I'm sure this happens on a tragically regular basis) but he still gets unconditional love and affection from his dog and that's more than some people get from anyone in a lifetime.

see more cute dogs and puppies

If you look at the comments associated with the picture you'll find a link to a place where you can donate to homeless pets and their humans...might be more productive than just crying about it, I suppose.

In a state of cat-like readiness

2008-04-20T20:58:00.005-04:00

All right, I have my first interview FINALLY! 10 am Monday I have an interview at our local bookstore. I realized just now (9pm Sunday) that I have nothing to wear, seriously, do you think I'll get the job if I go in for the interview in yoga pants and one of Paul's T-shirts? Okay, actually seriously, I'll have to wear jeans cause all I have bottoms-wise is jeans, a gross old pair of baggy cargo pants and the dress I wore to our wedding...so jeans it will be! With a nice blouse and decent shoes that should be okay, right? Oh crap, there's another problem, I don't have decent shoes either. Oh well, so be it, I'll do the best I can since I can't very well afford to go out and buy clothes until they give me a job!

I've researched the company, polished up my resume and thought of my 'best and worst qualities'. Also, my mom and dad's church is going to pray for me tomorrow morning *beam*. So, hey, at least God'll be on my side!

*EDIT* Oh crap, do you know that when you lose 30 pounds none of your bras fit anymore? Losing weight is awesome, but my already pathetic wardrode is really dismal now. One more decision for me now - what to wear under nice blouse; sports bra that fits or nice bra that boobs might spill out of. Hmm.

This is what it sounds like when my head explodes

2008-04-20T00:28:00.005-04:00

At the bank, with a Canadian check in my hands:

Me - I'd like to deposit this please.

Teller - Um, k...just a second I don't know what to do with Canadian checks.

2nd Teller - *examining it* Hmm. I'm not sure.

*both staring at check, baffled*

2nd Teller - Oh, it should be okay since its in American funds.

Me - *not quite sure what to say as I know that it is in fact not in American funds* Well...

2nd Teller - *explaining to first teller* See, you know its in American funds because its in dollars.

(And that's when my head exploded and I explained oh so kindly that Canadians USE DOLLARS TOO F**K!!! The banks I've dealt with here treat anything Canadian as so foreign and so confusing they generally simply won't cash Canadian checks or even money orders, hello! They don't take Canadian currency to change into American or vice versa and they have no idea what an exchange rate is, never mind what the current exchange rate is. I have had HEATED discussions with tellers about the fact that I find it VERY OFFENSIVE that they are hesitant to cash a check from the GOVERNMENT of my country. Last time I got a money order they told me to go to the post office to cash it. Um. I could go on and on. Paul won't go to the bank with me anymore :p)

Optipessimist

2008-04-18T12:48:00.004-04:00

I had an epiphany the other day! For me it was actually a pretty profound new idea about the sadness that has been my near constant companion for decades. I always think of myself as an extreme pessimist and I assumed that that was part of my depression, but, I've now determined that a significant portion (50% or more I'd venture to say) is because of my optimism.

You heard me right, me - an optimist. In one way at least. Here's the thing, growing up I had some complaints about my parents, as we all do, but there were many, many things they did 'right' and a big one was that they followed through on their commitments and promises. If my dad says that he will do something, he will damn well do it and he will do it every time and if for some strange reason he forgets he will go out and do it the moment he remembers. My mom stressed to me every day that you shouldn't lie, that it is a sin and that if you tell someone you are going to do something for them, to them, with them, YOU WILL DO IT or you have told a LIE. I grew up believing that to be true. Its a wonderful lesson to teach your kids but sadly for me it mostly made me angry because folks - in the real world people don't follow through on their promises.

Its the little things that make me the most angry, really, especially if they are unasked for in the first place. For example, if sometime before your birthday someone says to you 'I'm going to take you out for a great lunch on your birthday', then they should do that. And if they can't, they should bring it up and apologize. If someone says 'I'm going to email you that information tomorrow', then they should email that information tomorrow, and if they can't for some reason, they should take it upon themselves to contact you and let you know why and if and when you should expect the information. To me this is the most basic of common courtesies, really as basic as saying 'excuse me' when you sneeze in public but these days people seem to feel so entitled to have what they want, when they want it, how they want it, that even these most common courtesies have fallen by the wayside. I did not ASK for a birthday lunch, but you volunteered so you have to DO IT OR EXPLAIN WHY YOU CAN'T! I did not ask for that information you told me you have, but when you told me you were going to email it tomorrow that was a promise and you have to DO IT OR EXPLAIN WHY YOU CAN'T!

The unasked for part is a huge part of this issue for me. If I asked you to do something for me you may have felt pressured to say yes even though you knew you probably couldn't. But if you bring up the subject and then don't do what you claimed you would how is that helpful? Did you just need to make yourself feel important? Did you, and this is a biggie to me too, ever have any intention of following through with your promise?

I don't know if I've been surrounded by people like this more than others or if -most- people are like this but its frustrating as hell. And what makes me depressed is that I believe them every time. Every time someone tells me something they are going to do or say I think to myself 'well, why would they bring it up if they weren't going to do it? THIS TIME they mean it!' And then I repeat that to Paul and he shakes his head sadly and says 'you're so sweet, Jenn, and I hope they do'. This leaves me in an almost constant state of 'being let down'. Every time I believe and every time I am disappointed my heart gets a little smaller and sadder.

I would love to hear your comments on this, folks. Like how you deal with this when its done to you or if you are one of these people who does this to others. How do you maintain realism in your expectations without becoming hard and bitter? But, honest to God, if anyone says 'you just have to let it roll off your back' I'll REACH THROUGH THE COMPUTER AND STRANGLE YOU!

Because the blogosphere can always use more posts about depression! Right?

2008-04-17T13:11:00.004-04:00

Had my follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday. Treadmill test indicated no heart problems, had another blood test so we can try and figure out why my liver profile is abnormal, most of my physical symptoms remain but are somewhat lessened and without a diagnosis or even possible diagnosis I'm trying to let them just drift to the back of my mind. I did, however, walk away with a prescription (unasked for) for Zoloft.

I was foolishly trying to rely on external factors to make me happy; a job, friends, a baby, money, a husband, etc. to make me not depressed and since I only have one out of five of those things it wasn't working. I haven't filled the prescription yet, I don't want to...but I guess I'll have to. Paul really wants me to as he doesn't have much experience with depression and I think he has pretty much reached the end of his patience rope with me. And I guess I want to too...I don't know. I won't start this weekend anyway since Paul will be out of town LARP-ing. Next week though I guess I'll give it a shot.

I knew the depression was on an upswing again lately; partly because of circumstances (horrible money news again as well as the above mentioned factors) and partly because I recognize some of the symptoms that I get. For me, one of the major symptoms is that I start stripping my life down even barer than it already is. Stuff gets thrown away (even though I may kind of want it again later), the house gets cleaned and pared down ruthlessly. Even my bookmarked internet links and Facebook profile etc get absolutely torn down because I can't stand having anything extraneous around. I have done so much research on depression in my lifetime but this is not a symptom that I have read about before, its just my own experience. I wonder if its common.

So that's where I'm at. Could be worse but the depressed mind doesn't see that does it?

Shut up about 'our song' being super lame!

2008-04-15T23:42:00.007-04:00

My Paul turned 31 today. He is a good man and he didn't get NEARLY enough affection and attention today.

Paul, I am, as always, hoping the next years of our life together get easier than they have been, since Lord knows they have been and continue to be tough...but at least we have each other. We are a team. You and me against the world.

(Darn, the original video I posted didn't have the best part in it so I had to change it to this no video video. Seriously, though, who would post the thing without the strings 3/4 of the way through? Oh Lord, the strings!)

Every so often he says the right thing...

2008-04-12T08:24:00.002-04:00

Emailing from work:

Him - Do you think that the container of ham and cheese that I forgot here on Tuesday will still be okay?

Me - If its been in the fridge the whole time, I think so. Definitely the cheese.

Him - I love you.

Me - Do you love me because I gave you permission to eat week old ham and cheese?

Him - No, I love you because you're all things good.

Here's A Post!

2008-04-08T23:22:00.004-04:00

Whoosh, I am tuckered out! Job hunting is hard work, and kind of demoralizing when nobody calls :p

The interview with the woman from Paulie's work went really well and I was pretty convinced that I had the job. Everybody at Paul's office told me I was a shoe-in. Stupidly, I kind of stopped looking for like a week and a half I was so sure. And then, I didn't get the job. The lovely woman who interviewed me felt SO BADLY! But, unfortunately, the company really doesn't like to hire from outside. They hire from outside generally only on the lowest level and then promote from within - this is why it was so difficult for Paul to get a job there. The interviewer was sure that she could convince her boss to let her hire me as I was qualified and she was desperate but in the end the company pretty much put a complete moratorium on hiring from outside the company. I was disappointed.

But, I've applied for many other things and eventually something has to work out, right? RIGHT?! I'm getting a bit panicky about it...no one is even calling! Today I applied for one job but spent much of the rest of the day revamping my resume. I try to do that every couple of weeks or so, just changing little things here and there since you never know what will catch a potential employer's eye.

We've been c-r-a-z-y busy lately for some reason. Looking for work for me and doctor's appointments and medicating Smeagol's latest health problem and spring cleaning...it seems I never sit down. Which is fine, I'm not complaining! Lord knows must people have a lot more to do than I do. I had my treadmill test last week and it went quite well. It wasn't too hard and didn't take too long and the RN who was with me was really nice. The doctor will send the results to my doctor ( I go in a week from today for that ) but in the meantime he said he saw no scary heart issues. My blood pressure was stupid high though so I'll probably have to get that checked out even though it was near perfect at my last doctor's appointment.

Did I mention that I got the results of my my blood tests? I was sure that I did, but I can't find it on here now so maybe I didn't. *PROUD* My total cholesterol, HDL, LDL, triglycerides, kidney function, thyroid level etc. was all good. I wonder how it would have been a year ago before I started, well, changing my health entirely. I wish I knew. I'm really shocked that after 3 and a half decades of eating crap and 1 and a half decades of being fat all of these levels are okay. Amazing, I think. The only problem that the initial blood tests turned up is an abnormal liver profile. I go back next week to discuss this and the results of the treadmill test and continue trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I'm a bit scared of what the abnormal liver numbers could mean but I guess we will see.

It is officially summer here in East Tennessee. There was no spring. We have three wasp nests on our back porch (tomorrow we go at them), tick heaven in the front lawn (the owner of the property apparently does not believe in mowing!) and dogwoods blooming everywhere. Its all quite lovely, and my allergies aren't even too too bad yet. Some sinus headaches and LOTS OF ITCHING, but it could be way worse. Its really pretty out here, when are you all going to come and visit?

Obsessively Compulsively Fixed

2008-04-06T16:59:00.002-04:00

Oh, also. yesterday I noticed that one bug that, well, bugged me was fixed so I updated the links down there on the right. The OCD had me in a tight grip on that one. Not only did the links have to have the proper name and spelled correctly and double checked, of course, but they also had to be in the SAME ORDER IN WHICH I READ THEM. (The OCD? Its really getting out of hand these day, the stove IS OFF and the door IS LOCKED but I have to keep walking all the way downstairs to recheck them, even if I haven't used the stove that day. Anyway.) If the links were listed in a different order from which I read them it would keep me up at night. The ordering process is so complex that I couldn't begin to explain it, I just do what the crazy brain tells me to do. But, the first few are people I actually know, in the real world or in blogoworld, and then it moves on to people whose blogs I just like to read even though I don't know them. So, that list down there is of the sites I actually check and read every day. Hope you find something new you might like!

Huh? I can't hear you.

2008-04-06T16:54:00.002-04:00

Lord have mercy, I have the worst ear infection ever. I was fine yesterday and then woke myself up in the night when I flipped over onto my left side and there was STABBING pain in my ear. My whole left cheek is red and hot and my jaw hurts and I can't even hold the phone up to that ear. Partly, I want sympathy...WAH! But mostly I wonder if anyone has any suggestions for making the AGONIZING PAIN go away?

Explanations and Excuses

2008-04-04T23:30:00.003-04:00

HIDEOUSLY IRRITATED with Blogger. I have been trying desperately to change some items in my layout template but can't because of a glitch in which that page has no scrollbar and thus you can't see your whole layout template. I checked the Blogger Help Group and there are many other people irritated about this as well. They are suggesting workarounds etc. but none really work for me and the Blogger Known Issues Page says that this problem is fixed. I emailed Blogger Support as well, indicating that, nuh-uh this problem is NOT fixed, and after a week they haven't even gotten back to me with a form letter saying 'we received your email'. I have another problem with the blog too that is basically the same thing - known issue, said to be fixed, not fixed at all.

I'm really frustrated with this and I want to bring my blog somewhere else, but then I would lose all of the old content (or at least have to refer people back to this blog), I assume, and I don't want to do that. It pisses me off that Blogger, which is part of Google for heaven't sake, can't get their act together enough to fix a problem that is affecting so many. You'd think the IT department of GOOGLE might be a WEE BIT MORE COMPETENT, wouldn't you? (Side note, Google is such a massive empire that I kind of got a shiver writing that, like now they'll be watching me or something.)

Anyway, so if you see problems here on the blog - TOTALLY AWARE - just can't do anything about it. (This also makes me a bit slow in posting new content because I hate posting to a page that has problems.) I wish I had the knowledge to start my very own site, but my HTML knowledge, although better than it used to be, is nowhere near good enough for that. I want this blog to look gorgeous and perfect (you know, to make up for the content quality) and instead it looks boring and buggy. Poop.

Happy One Year!

2008-03-30T19:08:00.005-04:00

Alternate Titles:
1) Why does Paul always have to do the goofy face in pictures?
2) Why do I have so many wrinkles when I'm still getting pimples?
3) Don't tell me I'm wearing too much blush, that's stinkin' rosacea and it is NOT getting any better as I get older.
4) How did I get so lucky?