So, I've been having a great deal of success with this new diet that I'm on. I don't have a scale, but my newest pants now slide on and off without unzipping or unbuttoning them, and they are not elastic waist. This new diet is called See Something So Utterly And Completely Repulsive That You Are No Longer Able To Eat Or Prepare Food Or Look At Food Or Be In The Same Room With Food Or Even Watch Television Lest There Be A Commercial For Food. (No, I'm not going to tell you what it was) I highly recommend this plan if you are desperate to lose weight fast.
This Plan, or SSSUACRTYANLATEOPFOLAFOBITSRWFOEWTLTBACFF for short, lasts about a week by my calculations. After that, you need to give it little boosts from time to time. Here is what I suggest, since it is working so well for me. First, stagger to the washroom early in the morning only to find your significant other has a dramatic stomach virus. Run back to bed and wait for him/her to 'finish'. When s/he has completed their task, they will fall back into bed, moaning. At this time, it is best to grab a towel and clean up their mess, since they are too sick to do so. Discover that they have vomited what appears to be blood. Feel very sorry for them, but at the same time, gag continuously while you clean up, until the point where your gagging has turned to dry heaving. Throw towel away. ( As a bonus, you can find out hours later that the significant other did not, in fact, throw up blood, but threw up 2 litres of "Big Red" brand bubble gum flavored soda pop. Point out that the cause and effect lines here are a little blurry.)
The next step for me happened the same day, but you can wait for a few days until you need to progress to this step. Wander into the kitchen and have your significant other point out that there is a large, white thing in your hair. Reach up to your head and discover that it is a big gob of 'eye booger' from your dog. Immediately commence dry heaving again as the tears leak out of your eyes and you whimper about having wanted to eat that day.
If you can think of continuations for this plan, please do let me know, as SSSUACRTYANLATEOPFOLAFOBITSRWFOEWTLTBACFF does require constant upgrading of your 'gross out' meter.
Good Luck!
3 comments:
I didn't actually think you were capable of writing about something that reaches so high on even my gross-out meter. It's not news that I'm uh, sensitive to barf but DOG EYE BOOGER is really what did it for me. Good thing you love that dog ;)
Oh, and the -original- thing that made me ill, was WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY worse.
Glad you read the comments' section of your blogs, Jenn. Having lived with your significant other for many, many, years, I can tell you that there are boosts that you can get for your new diet. Try going to use the bathroom sink after one of them has shaved with the water standing in the bowl and the drain doesn't drain excessively fast, so that all the little hairs from the razor are stuck to the sides of the sink with stuck soap and you have no choice but to scrub it because it won't rinse off. Then there's the fall break drunk fest when he called his dad to bring him twinkies because he was dying and lying on a mattress of three-day barf which also went four feet up the sides of the walls of the apartment. Need more? Okay, I can see those pounds shrinking off of you as you read. Have him use his mouth as a receptacle for the dog's water and lap the water out of his mouth. But then, on the other hand, we have his brother, who has Crohn(sp?)'s disease. Try getting within five feet of THAT toilet bowl after an attack (but I shouldn't poke fun at one's medical problems, you know, that's unkind!). But wait, there's more, if you act now, I'll tell you that Randy can put milk in his mouth and actually blow it out his tear duct hole in his eye. But don't let me get started on the guys' things, we girls have plenty of nastiness that we could write about that would turn their stomachs, too. If you ever want Paul to lose his appetite, ask me to post some female things on your blog for all the world and Paul to read about. By the way, know any way to get the old female plumbing slickery again. We've tried two different lubes, and no, I'm not intimating that you're old and know about such things, but maybe you've read or heard from someone....? Me
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