Current Top Pregnancy Symptoms: Numb hands, Sore neck and Severe Need to Nest

Yikes, I'm supposed to update at least once a week here, but holy moly there is so much to do and I'm still at the tail end of my cold or flu or whatever it is, we're only 4 1/2 weeks away and my pregnancy induced carpal tunnel makes typing really painful. I'm freaking out a little, I must admit.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) is our 36 week ultrasound and we are hoping and praying that the baby is not actually transverse as has been suspected. We also take Smeagol in for yet another lime-sulfur dip and have to go renew the tags on the cars and have other errands to do and then more baby prep to do when we get home and that's the way every day goes around here these days. We realize that there will be a whole different level of busy-ness after the baby is born but right now it's like there is this firm, scary deadline to get to and everything has to be in place before it arrives and that is kind of terrifying.

Things are progressing though, if slowly. Much baby prep is done already though, my immigration paperwork has been received at USDHS, Smeagol's spay is done and the to-do list is getting smaller...that's the good news.

Friday we get a baby shower too! Paul's work has decided to throw a shower for he and I and I'm very excited - although nervous because I haven't even met most of these people. I'm really touched though that they are doing this because they genuinely like my hubby and want the best for him, and hey, some cake and a few gifts will be appreciated too.

Hands numb...later.

I Don't Get No Respect

Via eMail from our respective jobs:

Him - Okay, so you'll go home, grab the dogs and meet me at Baskin Robbins for a birthday treat?

Me - Cool man.

Him - 'Cool man'?

Me - Um, yeah, you know like 'that sounds good' - 'cool, man'?

Him - Hang on…phone is ringing… Oh, hello nineteen eighty-two….yes, Jennifer is here…ok, I’ll give her the message. Thanks.
That was 1982…it wants its phrase back.

Tidbits of Paul (hmm, that sounds kind of gross...'tidbits re. Paul' maybe?)

*walking through Wal-Mart Paul reminds me for the 18th time...*

Him - Remember, I need to get deoderant.

Me - Yes, yes, I'm aware, baby!

Him - YOU'RE A WEREBABY?! Do you transform into an infant during the full moon? WAH WAH!

**********

Also, people are stopping Paul in restaurants and at work to ask if he is on American Idol. Seemingly he bears a strong resemblance to Danny Gokey (although admittedly Paul has a bit of weight on Danny). So, Paul wants to know if y'all agree. In the sidebar there is that cute picture of us and here is a picture of Danny:

Kind of, huh?

Apparently it's French for 'to hatch'

Paul was playing his computer game and I was lying in bed behind him reading a magazine. I often read him things or tell him things while he plays knowing that I may get little or no response from him because he gets VERY INVOLVED in stupid World of Warcraft...but I talk anyway. I read to him last night about "Couvade Syndrome":

Me - So, apparently lots of men develop 'sympathy symptoms' of their partner's pregnancy. They can gain weight in their belly, or get back pain or even labor pains. Up to 25% of men experience this.

*he replies quietly without breaking stride from his game or even looking at me*

Him - I know, I've got bitchy.

Congratulations, it's a _______!

Well, we had our 20 week ultrasound a week ago today (tomorrow I'll be 21 weeks...time is actually going pretty fast). The ultrasound tech, with whom I'm on a first name basis since that was my SIXTH ultrasound in this pregnancy, was great as she usually is and she pointed out all sorts of interesting bits of anatomy; this is the upper lip, this is the femur, this is the spine, which was all quite neat really. Throughout this time though there's always part of me going 'holy moly there's a PERSON inside of me! A person with a beating heart and a full bladder apparently!' Its a very odd sensation to know that and over the past week or so the movements of the child have changed from flutterings and bubblings to a weird grinding sensation that is distinctly unpleasant but continues to reinforce that strange feeling of 'there's a person in me'. (At least I'm assuming that this sensation is the fetus moving, has anyone else had that grinding feeling?)

The ultrasound was long since she was scanning all the kid's little parts and I find it quite uncomfortable in general but Paul was holding my hand and we were so excited waiting to hear the gender. The tech showed us how the baby had its little legs neatly crossed at the ankle so there was no way to see its wee bits - the crossed legs were pretty awesome though too, it looked so cute. So she started jiggling the transducer (is that what its called? I think so) on my belly to get baby to move and baby did not want to show itself. She jiggled and jiggled and it did not feel good and she kept jiggling more. Finally she suggested that I lie on my side. This was okay except that I couldn't see the monitor so I didn't know what was happening. Paul squeezed my hand and was quiet for a second and then we had the following conversation:

Him - There it is.

Me - There what is? What?

Him - It.

Me - WHAT? WHAT WHAT WHAT!?

Ultrasound Tech - Yup, its a boy.

Me - *bursts into tears*

Him - Is that bad? Are you sad? Is that okay? Are you sad crying?

Me - No, I'm not sad crying.

Paul - That's our _______. (I'm not telling the name at least yet)

Me - *cries harder*

It was a great moment and the scan was perfect, all of his parts are in place and in good shape so far. I would like to post the ultrasound pictures but I scanned them and they are very grainy - to the point that you may not even really be able to see them. I'll try on another scanner and see what I can do. In the meantime, 19 weeks to go til we meet our son.

Well, that's handy

Paul has been quite loving and affectionate the past couple of weeks. He's really happy about the pregnancy and it has affected him well (in my opinion). The other day we had a big snowfall here and since neither of us have brushes or scrapers for our cars he had to grab a box from the recycle bin to brush off his windows. When I left for work about 15 minutes later I discovered that he had cleaned off my car too. In my opinion that is a sign of true love.

Then last night Paul felt the baby move for the first time and he was EVEN more affectionate. This morning he hugged and hugged and hugged me and I couldn't believe how loving he was being. But as we pulled apart from our hug he noticed a pimple on my neck (my skin is HIDEOUS since I got pregnant) and said 'okay, have a good day zit-neck'.

Sigh.

Personally I think that's going WAY to far, but what do you think?

Answer me this. Yesterday at work Paul was chatting with someone and he used the expression 'let's call a spade a spade'. The person to whom he said this gasped and replied 'that's RASCIST!' Paul was momentarily baffled and the person quickly pointed out that a 'spade' is a horrible, old-fashioned slang word for a black person (although I can't imagine why).

Paul knew that but said that it had never occured to him that that expression referred to anything like that. We are, in fact, certain that it doesn't...but at the same time if it is going to offend people we don't want to use that phrase.

What do you think? Is it rascist? Should people stop using it?

Yes, he does use expressions from 50 years ago!

In my little family I do all the money stuff; I create the budget, pay the bills, do the taxes etc. and it is working fairly well thus far I would say. This month we made the last payment on another one of the debts-from-back-when-Paul-was-young-and-dumb which brings us down to seven outstanding debts (from the original 30-some) two of which are student loans and one of which is under $500.

Anyway, I do the books because, although Paul makes twice as much money as I do and is MUCH more careful with money these days, I think I have a much better grasp on the concept of the almighty dollar. Here's an example of Paul's weird ideas about money...

We're driving into the city in my car but Paul is driving:

Him - Your gas light just came on so I'm gonna stop and put some gas in.

Me - Oh shoot, thanks.

Him - How much do you want me to put in?

Me - May as well fill 'er up.

Him - *deeply sarcastic* Okay, got-rocks.

Me - What? We have money in the bank, gas is cheap right now and eventually I'll use up all the gas again, why not fill it up?

Him - Whatever you say, Rockefeller. *shakes head as he starts pumping*

I gotta tell you, I don't get that at all. I wonder if this is a Paul thing or a men thing or what. In any case that was like two weeks ago and I still have gas in my car and money in the bank and gas is now 20 cents more per gallon so I think I have been proven right here.

Yes, husbands CAN get mad at you even when they're sleeping

While I'm getting ready for work Paul is still tucked into bed all warm and cozy...he gets to sleep until my work day is halfway done. Meanie. The other morning I was putting on my makeup when he staggered into the bathroom with his eyes still basically closed:

Me - Morning.

Him -

Me - You awake?

Him - In my dream you spent $250 on pretzels and cookies.

Me - *laugh* Sorry bout that!

Him -

Me - Are you awake?

Him - You shouldn't buy that many pretzels and cookies!

Me - Okay, hon, but I didn't, it was just your dream.

Him - *angrily* Its too much money, Jenn!

And then he wandered back to bed and was snoring before he even settled in. I'm still not sure if he was awake or not.

How Girls Are Different Than Boys

Instead of a guest book at our wedding, since it was so small, we had a large photo mat that people could sign and then when we got our wedding photos we could stick a photo in there and hang the whole thing up in a pretty frame. I've had the whole thing on our wall since a few days after we got back from our honeymoon but Paul just sort of re-noticed it a few minutes ago.

Him - Oh yeah! I forgot about this frame, its neat.

Me - Me too, and its a nice picture although I was a lot heavier then.

Him - Yeah, but your tits looked superb that day.

It's like an embargo

So, once again we're preparing to move and so I go CRAZY MENTAL NUTS cleaning and throwing away and donating and organizing. So I said to Paul the other day:

Me - Okay, its that time again so I'm instituting a COMPLETE MORATORIUM on bringing new things into this house. Complete. Total. No exceptions except food, toiletries and necessities.

Paul - Okay.

*****

A week or two later:

Paul - (on his cell) Can you come out to the car and carry my lunch and stuff cause I have to bring in my new monitor.

Me - You have a new monitor?

Paul - Yeah! They were throwing it away at work and my boss said I could have it. Its got a massive flat screen although its an old one so its a big, heavy thing.

Me - *sigh* Hang on, I'll be right there.

***

Me - Are you KIDDING? This is like 50 pounds worth of shit we don't need! What about the moratorium? The MORATORIUM!!

Paul - Uh, well, here's the thing. I haven't been able to follow your moratorium rule.

Me - *more sighing* Because you're a compulsive hoarder?

Paul - Well, no. More because I don't technically know what 'moratorium' means.

No, it is not a word and you should stop using it now.

Paul is terrific. We have been having trouble with the devil known as the cable company...you know which one...for more than a month now and we had been trying to get then to come out. The first time they were scheduled to come out and try to figure out the problem they called beforehand and asked Paul to describe the problem (cause we hadn't described it TWENTY TIMES to FORTY different employees all of whom were BAFFLED and then LIED to us about what was wrong, but I digress). When Paul did describe the problem the tech said that it was almost certainly the box and if he had to come out to just switch the box he would have to charge us $30+. So we cancelled at at his suggestion drove to their office and switched out the box. We then repeated the procedure a week later with the modem. We still weren't working right so we scheduled another appointment. They didn't show up and somehow managed to call and leave a message saying 'you aren't home so we aren't coming' even though we had A) called them to make sure they were coming, B) were assured that they would call three times before giving up and C) called them to tell they we were getting spotty phone service but were home and waiting frantically for them to show up.

ANYWAY, Paul called them to tell them that this was utterly unacceptable and that they should get their asses here now. NOW. He went from the first CSR to the next and then asked to speak with the supervisor. The CSR, OF COURSE, tried to refuse to let him speak to the supervisor. He repeated his request over and over and then came the moment; the CSR said something (I couldn't hear his side of the conversation obviously) and Paul said 'irregardless is not a word and let me speak with your supervisor now!' It was awesome and as my sister said when I told her the story 'wow, that could make you fall in love with a guy'. Too true.

Boy, times have changed.

I forgot to mention yesterday that we did not get that middle-of-nowhere house. Sadly, we were second in line and the first in line folks got it. Thanks for the advice, by the way, about the perils of living in the middle of nowhere, but I grew up on a farm 8 miles from the nearest town of 1500 people so I'm well aware. We are continuing to look for something else though, the availability down here is the pits though.


**********

My illness took a turn for the worse last night as I lost my voice completely and stopped having the ability to breathe, which, as it turns out, is pretty crucial to one's peace of mind. I was forced to call in sick today and fortunately got an appointment at my doctor's office in the afternoon. The doctor felt that what he saw was 'not good'. He suspects whooping cough (although I've had all the shots, I'm not sure how that works) or bronchitis with a side of pleurisy so I've determined that I must be a character in a Laura Ingalls Wilder book because who gets whooping cough and pleurisy, come on! Anyway, he says I must not go back to work til Friday at the earliest depending on how the drugs work for me. He gave me mega antibiotics and a cough medicine because he's not exactly sure what's wrong so after a few days he'll be able to determine better what's wrong based on how well the medicine works.

The cough medicine is, sadly, Guaifenesin and Hydrocodone so if you try to call me in the next few days do not expect coherence. I used to enjoy being told that I had to take Vicodin for some illness, 'whee, Vicodin land!', but I most certainly do not anymore. Since the onset of the Mystery Illness (almost exactly a year ago and started with a head cold, but I'm not panicking. Ha!) I'm too frightened to take anything that may alter my state of consciousness, including alcohol and Vicodin is in a WHOLE OTHER LEAGUE so I'm petrified to take the first dose tonight. (Paul bought me Robitussin on the weekend and I wouldn't take any until he promised to lie on the bed and talk me down when I freaked out and that was after a 5 year olds dose.) Hm, the incoherence is beginning, isn't it, and I have only taken the antibiotics so far. Anyway, all drugs now induce the following conversation between me and Paul:

Me - (within 15 minutes of taking a totally appropriate amount of medicine for a legitimate medical concern) Paul, am I going to die?

Him - No, sweetheart you are not going to die, the medicine is just making you feel that way but you are fine, the medicine is helping and I'm right here.

Me - SWEAR to me that I'm not going to die.

Him - You're not going to die, honey, I'm right here.

Me - Do you SWEAR?!

Him - Yes, I swear, you're not going to die from a teaspoon of Robitussin.

Me - You're making fun of me while I'm DYING!

Him - You're not dying.

Me - Do you SWEAR?

Funny AND Smart

I really don't like to write things here that are political but since even my most innocuous comments seem to be misconstrued these days and since I found this SOSOSO funny, I must share it:

Me - ...yeah, he drives me nuts with his 'Democrats are evil, Republicans are awesome' emails.

Him - Yeah, me too.

Me - But, when you were younger you were the same way, right? Weren't you all 'Young Republican' and shit?

Him - Well, yeah, that changed when I grew up though.

Me - Why is that?

Him - Oh, well I supported the Republicans because I intended to be upper class.


HILARIOUS!

Field of Boobs

After meeting a new person -

Me - She seemed quite nice, didn't she?

Him - She was hot.

Me - By 'hot' you mean 'she had big boobs', right?

Him - Great boobs.

Me - They weren't actually, they were very big but very droopy.

Him - Tits are tits! I don't care if they hang down to her ankles, I'd just tie them together and use them like a swing.

Me - Ew.

Him - *pensive* A whole boob jungle gym, is what I imagine heaven would be like. Boob swings and boob climbing bars and a boob slide.

Me - A boob slide would not be very slippery, hard to slide on.

Him - *happily* Well then, I'd just tumble down it giggling the whole way.

Husbands and Other Annoyances

So, in my kitchen I have two towels hanging up at all times, like this:

I find this system to be really clear. The towel above the sink is only for drying clean things, like your hands or washed dishes. See? Above the SINK is for drying CLEAN things. The towel on the stove is for wiping your hands clean of food or what have you while cooking. Again, see? The towel on the STOVE is for wiping off FOOD. I have had this system for 7 months now so the other day when Paul got it wrong again I kind of snapped and shrieked at him. His reponse 'I can't keep track of your COMPLEX RULES!'

That's marriage in a nutshell, I think. What one thinks is obvious the other thinks is fairly esoteric and then they both yell at each other and the cycle continues.

Speaking of extreme irritation...well, let me be fair by saying that Paul and I have needed a new couch since we started living together. His couch was old and secondhand already then and in the three years since then it has gotten a cigarette burn (stupid drunk friends), been peed on by a dog (stupid nervous Waffles), been thrown up on by two dogs numerous times and by an eight year old girl once. Because of all this I keep it covered up with a quilt as you will see in the picture below. The couch is nasty ass gross and God only knows when we will be able to afford a new one. However, we were still not prepared for Extreme Separation Anxiety Waffles and his amazing Powers of Destruction. Ta-Da!

Boys are so stupid.

Every so often he says the right thing...

Emailing from work:

Him - Do you think that the container of ham and cheese that I forgot here on Tuesday will still be okay?

Me - If its been in the fridge the whole time, I think so. Definitely the cheese.

Him - I love you.

Me - Do you love me because I gave you permission to eat week old ham and cheese?

Him - No, I love you because you're all things good.

Taco Monkey

Last night was Taco Night in the Pop & Soda household and after he had assembled his tacos, Paul said what has now become my favorite phrase ever:

*squealing* "Eee! I inadvertently made my tacos into a monkey!"

And he kind of did...

(note: he took this picture with his cell phone which makes everything yellow...the tacos and their fillings are not all yellow things)

Sleepy Conversations with Paul

It is 5:50 AM and I am still not sleeping. I did sleep briefly, but then Paul woke me up to tell me that I was "The Littlest Whimperer" while I slept. He ACTED like he was concerned about me and my sleep whimpering but I believe that he was actually saying "STOP WHIMPERING DAMMIT".

A few minutes ago he got up to take a sleepy middle of the night trip to the bathroom and when he came back he said "Smeagol is a laser turkey". "What?", I inquired. He gave me a withering look as if to say "DUH" and rolled over while saying "Smeagol is a TURKEY who has LASERS". I took this as a sign that it was time to give up on sleep and go downstairs and get a Moon Pie. You should try a Moon Pie. Moon Pies are so good that they force you to eat them at 5:30 in the morning when you should be sleeping and not be eating things that have corn, milk AND chocolate in them when you are allergic to those very things.

Stream of Consciousness

So many things to post about, brain is swimming with ideas. Tell people about:

- 2008 New Year's Resolutions

- How Andrea doesn't plan and things fall into place and I plan obsessively and NOTHING works out for me and then I get negative and people say 'you shouldn't be so negative' and then I say 'HELLO, are you familiar with the concept of clinical depression?!' and then they say 'you expect things to go badly and then they do' and then I say 'no, no, things have always gone badly so I KNOW they will continue to and then they do'.

- How there are 54 days til we have health insurance again and I will be REALLY IMPRESSED with God if He keeps me out of the ER for that long. Hear that, God? Really impressed!

- How pissy it makes me that the 'Which Sex and the City Character are you' quiz on Facebook said that I was Miranda when I'm so CLEARLY Charlotte but then when I thought about it more I realized I was Miranda, the most obnoxious character on the show (next to Big and don't even get me started about how Carrie ended up with Big and the whole show ended when all the strong, independent women found love, true love. GAH!)

- How my friends and I used to always try to decide which TV character we were most like and I always thought is was so definitely Monica from Friends (if she never lost the weight) but then I realized the other day that I am so totally and obviously a female version of Alan Harper on Two and a Half Men.

Slightly manic today, can you tell?