Epiphany

Enh...I know I haven't written much lately. I'm so very up and down in my moods, I try to maintain a regular appearance; normalcy, one might say, for Paul and stuff, but it wears me out sometimes. I'm pretty happy in general, I'm just...bored? Not productive? I dunno. I wish that I could just enjoy this period of my life where I am pretty much legally not allowed to work (here), but I can't, instead I just feel useless.

Anyway, I'm actually fine and all, just bored, really. Its been really busy around here lately though. Paul's parents were here a while ago and that was great. We had such a good time and some lovely meals and they BOUGHT US A DRYER!! How's that for nice? It works SO well, its almost a pleasure to do laundry now. We've also had our friends over a couple of times with their boy puglet cause it is so good for Smeagol to get a chance to socialize. They were here last night and when we finally went to bed Smeagol was so exhausted that she just collapsed against my back and started snoring. Very cute :)

I've also pretty much finished my immigration papers. This is very exciting. But we can't file them quite yet since that takes money :p We're so screwed money wise and that's what gets me down so much of the time. We're like, okay, but only if nothing major comes up and we're not paying off Paul's debts at all. I could live with that if there were an end in sight, but there isn't really. Hopefully within 2006 Paul and I will be able to get married (YAY!) and then I -could- work, but as soon as we get married we should really start to think about reproducing. I want a baby BADLY (TICKTICKTICK) and I'm almost 34 so we gotta move move move. Do you know what it does to your emotions to know that your chances to have a healthy child dropping away week by week? Just ponder on that for a moment, its hellish. Blah.

So, yeah, the immigration papers are done. Complete. We have to go and each get a passport style picture ($15 each) and photocopy the whole shebang and then send it off ($170). That's a lot of money. But it absolutely kills me to know that each day that we wait is another day that we have to wait for us to get married which is another day that we have to wait to have a kid which is another day that might bring us closer to a time when it is no longer feasible or at least smart to have a child. Actually, wow, I understand why I'm so horribly stressed all the time. My entire life is in the balance and there is not a goddamn thing I can do about it. Huh, I guess that the blog is serving its purpose now, since I started it to get my emotions out and now I understand a bit better.

Anyway, so, like, you know, whatever. I get it a bit now...I'm kind of startled by understanding my stress now. I try to explain to people how on edge and stressed I feel and it always sounds so lame since I have really no responsibilities at all now. But that is really the problem, I desperately want responsibilities and I have to twiddle my thumbs until it all falls into place. I think that I will begin to feel better once the damn papers are in the mail, at least then I have done what I can do.

On a happier note, tomorrow (April 15th aka Tax Day) is Paul's birthday. he is turning 29, the lucky bastard! We're not quite sure yet what we are going to do, I would like to make it a really special day, but he works until like 2 in the morning on his birthday and then starts at 11 the next morning, so partying is kinda out. Any suggestions would be welcome! The roomie and I are going to pick up his gifts tomorry. And I won't say any more in case Paul decides to read this.

By the way, I've heard from several people lately that they haven't received my emails...this seems to happen to me a lot, so either I'm so stupid that I cannot reliably use email, or there is something wrong with my email company thing...so if you have emailed me and I don't email back, you know why.