I've been in a bad mood for like a week now. I don't know fully why or anything, I just know that I'm grumpy and not fun to be around. A lot of it is that I'm SO lonely for my friends. I adore being with Paul and wouldn't be without him for the world, but I just so goddamn wish that he could have been living in Canada. I always knew what great friends I had, but I didn't realize just how hard it would be without them. I am sick to death of spending 9 out of every 10 evenings sitting at home by myself. And I really can't even talk about this with Paul because it makes him feel so guilty that I'm without my friends. I can't make him understand that just because I miss 'the gang' doesn't mean that I'm implying that I don't want to be with him. I just desperately need a friend. Yet, how could I possibly find a friend without a job or the transportation or money to get anywhere. I can't work due to the Immigration factor. I can't volunteer cause I have no car to get anywhere ( I could use public transportation, but then it starts working up to costing too much money to get anywhere). Blahblahblah. I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas. I can -feel- the depression seeping back into my body, but its MY fault this time because I'm not DOING anything to get out and make my life better. But how do I do that?
I'm talking in circles, I know. It just killed me this weekend knowing that my family was all together for Father's Day and I was here, alone. And before that my erstwhile best friend was on vacation for a week and I didn't even know she was gone. Everybody's life is moving and I don't even know about it. Meanwhile, my life stagnates here. Paul and I have such great potential for a great future, but in the meantime I have to sit here on my ass, unable to marry my love, unable to work to help support my family, unable to have children even as the appropriate time to do so slides away, unable to help pay off our debts, blah blah freakin blah.
And you know how it is, when you're already sad, then minor small stuff happens all the time to make you feel just that little bit worse about yourself. I went grocery shopping yesterday in Josh's car at like 11 pm. When I had loaded $120 worth of groceries into the car, the locky button on the keychain wouldn't open the car. So I tried about 100 times and nothing happened. So, I used the key to manually unlock the door and then the alarm went off. After about a dozen people came over and helped me and about 15 minutes of ear splitting noise defeaned us all, my helpers got the alarm turned off, but then the car wouldn't start. Menawhile, $50 worth of meat and frozen food was melting. After about 45 minutes of trying, some lovely women offered me a ride home. Josh was home from work but in bed with the flu, completely conked out on Nyquil and Paul wasn't home yet. So, I had to wake Josh and then inform Paul when he got home that we all had to troop back to Kroger and get the spoiling meat and stupid car. To their credit, they were both very nice about it and we got it working after only a short time. But it made me feel useless and dumb which is how I feel these days anyway.
Then to add to my useless dumbness, I just made a dessert dish that I used to make all the time and it turned out...well, not edible. Its one of my favourites but I hadn't made it since I was in the States, and before I came down here I copied my faves from cards into a book and I guess I copied it wrong because although it only had FOUR ingredients, it turned into nothingness. there goes $5 worth of groceries! Whee! I can't do anything!
Long story short, my whole life is on hold and there is nothing I can do about it. How can I prevent depression from creeping back in in its insidious way? And, how can I talk about it without alienating everyone I love (again) as did the last time that the depression was really bad?
3 comments:
Aww honey, I'm sorry things are so bleak right now. I do feel your pain a bit. I don't really have any real life friends, my life revolves around my child basically. Oh and work. You WILL be able to work and marry soon. I wish I had ideas to help you, but I don't. I have a hard enough time keeping my husband out of that deep dark hole of depression. I'll say some prayers for you. *HUG*
Well, how's this for an opposite? When I lived in Schaumburg, I made loads of friends only to find out that we lived in a transient town and I lost several of the good friends to moves out of town/state. After losing them like that, I decided never to make friends with anyone again!
Then remember that there's always someone worse off than you (not to trivialize your situation at all!). You're getting into this country the right way...immigration papers, etc. Think of those 11 million illegals who are waiting for Congress and the House to pass their legislations so they can come out of the woodwork.
I know it's tough living away from family...I did it for nine years living in Tennessee when everyone I knew and loved so well (except for Frank and the boys!) were up in Chicago. Easy to get into depression.
But on the bright side -- start a shortimer's calendar -- choose a date when you're approximately sure that the paperwork will be finalized and then each day, "X" out the day and watch those "X'es" start mounting up!
Also, start writing outside of the blog. There's an unwritten novel in everyone. Choose a venue -- romance, mystery, porn -- and start pouring out whatever comes to mind. Worry about editing it later. Or start writing "The First 30 Years of My Life". I started doing that with the first 50 years of my life and you'd be surprised at how much you remember. Plus, it's going to be great reading when I'm gone and people say, "Hey, I didn't know she was Outstanding Young Lady of the Year in Schaumburg".
And hey, try shaving your pug with a special saying or symbol. Try something simple like shaving a heart on her back. She might like the attention. (That's the craziest idea I've ever passed on to anyone, but what the heck, it's an idea!)
And finally, if you like to read, find out where the nearest branch of the local public library is and whether it's within walking distance or not (to save on MARTA fare). Get out of the house and go read at the library.
I also liked the suggestions from Reba. Mom2
I have tried becoming friends with Paul's coworkers. I get along with them very well when he and I go there and stuff, but its almost impossible to hang out with them. Every so often he does go out with them after work. But work ends at like midnight and its 45 minutes from home and I don't have a car. So, he would have to come home, pick me up and go back, by which time the bar would be closing and he would have driven an extra hour and a half and spent all that gas money and two extra passes through the toll booth. I also have suggested many times that Paul and I have a party at our house, but its sort of the same issue...no one would come cause its so bloody far away. I even talked to one of the girls at his work about it and she agreed that it would be lots of fun, but infeasible.
I like Paul's coworkers but they have a bit of the same issue as his former gang of friends - that is that they are all heavy drinkers and drug users. that's fine cause most of them are in their early 20's but I'm SO past that. Paul has virtually stopped talking to his entire gang of friends (the ones he was friends with when I first met him) because they are all so high maintenance/high drama/drinkers/druggies. We're just both so done with that.
I like having Josh live here for now cause he and I talk quite a bit and stuff. We get along well and he prevents me from spending all my time alone or with only my fiance and my dog. We do have two other couple friends that we see every so often, but none of them are quite good friend material. Not that I'm that picky...well okay, I am, I want another Andra/Matt/Chris/Kevin/Angie combo :( They have spoiled me for other friends.
I do know that making friends is hard work and I have tried all the things that I can think of. Distance, age, lack of car are all conspiring against me at the moment though. I know that it will get better. Eventually we will hopefully move closer to Paul's work, and eventually I can work, hopefully in an office type environment where I may meet people in the same phase of life as I. I'm acquainted with quite a few of our neighbours too, the ones with dogs at least since we all walk our little buddies. But nothing has clicked with anyone yet.
It will :)
As far as IMs. I dunno. I downloaded Trillian, but I can never force myself to turn it on. I still have underlying fears that no one wants to talk to me, which is why, I think, I enjoy the idea of a blog so much, I can say whatever I want and people only have to read it if they -choose- to. I talk to one of my sisters and my mom on a regular basis, which is awesome. But IMs and phone are a bit foreign to me in regards to my best friends. Even when i lived in Winnipeg, I would only talk to 'the gang' on the phone or IM in order to make plans to actually see each other. So it seems weird to talk on the phone now.
Some of this is excuses, I imagine, but most, I think, is fairly valid.
The library idea is a very good one and I'm definitely gonna look into that. I get nearly catatonic when I think of riding MARTA to get there, but eventually I will have to learn. In some ways I am very social, but when it comes to learning something new like that in a strange city on a bus or train packed with strangers in 100 degree heat, I go rigid with fear. But fear can be overcome!
I'm done!
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