So...I'm not really talking to anyone right now, so sorry if anybody feels ignored. I am so completely and utterly angry and sad right now that I can hardly enjoy being back with Paul, because I know that it will only be for 4 more weeks. I'm mad at everyone from my ex-husband (for the fact that I need to request my divorce papers at all) to the government (for appearing to be completely arbitrary) to God (for bringing Paul into my life and then making it so difficult to be with him). When we celebrated Christmas together last year, it never even occurred to me that we would not be happily married by now.
The thought of maybe having to hire a lawyer and sit in Canada while the government holds my fate in their hands is so unappealing that it nearly makes me throw up.
Paul is being extraordinarily sweet to me these days (although he gets home at around seven and has to be up at 6:30 in the morning so we only get 3 or 4 hours together every evening cause he words so damn hard for us) and I feel guilty that I cannot give him the best part of me because I'm so worried about everything.
I'm just furious with God. Why would he do this to me after all the shit I have been through before? My mom always quotes a Bible verse to me "my feet would have almost slipped when I saw the prosperity of the wicked". It is such a relevant verse. It seems that so many people out in this world of ours have never chosen to have God in their lives and their lives just carry along, peachy-keen! And I have tried so hard to be a good Christian and I've been so miserable for so much of my life. That makes me so, so angry. And then, I begin to think 'what if that is the problem?' What if the problem is that I'm not a good enough Christian and I'm being punished? (If you are not Mennonite, you probably can't understand this. Although, as I understand it from my Catholic friends, they may be able to rival we Mennonites in the guilt department.)
So, if you are not hearing from me, its just that its too painful to do anything right now. Quite literally anything other than snuggling with Paul and/or Smeagol hurts too much.
Pray for us? Or don't? I don't know anymore. Just please don't tell me how so many people in the world have it so much worse than I. I know that to be absolutely true, but hearing about the misery of others does not diminish one's one. I believe that is a quote, but I don't know who said it and I'm too lazy to look it up.
As a last note, for the time being, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to two of my favourite people in the world. Matthew turned 30 on the 18th and Andrea turns 30 on the 23rd. Matt and Andra are two of the good ones in this world.
3 comments:
Speaking as a recovering Mennonite (now considered "non-denom") we do tend to heap a ton o' guilt upon ourselves, continually searching for the "sin in the camp" so to speak.
However, if I may speak as a divorced woman who also spent time on antidepressants, skinny as hell from not eating/sleeping, and running hell-for-leather away from God--I can tell you that what we go through is our refinement, our fire to take out the impurities. He's got something so great in mind for us, but we need to be molded first. We get tested. Our faith gets strained and tried and stretched. If we can hang on just a tad longer, we start to see that God is eternally good and only wants the very best for us. It can be painful as hell waiting for that, though.
Well I can't top that, but thanks very much for the happy birthday wishes. I can only imagine your sad- and angry-ness but I hope beyond hope that it is only a short bump in the long road. Very best wishes.
Been out of town. Just catching up now. I hope things are looking up a bit. All will work out in the end. It HAS to.
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