I have a problem and today I found a name for it. Its called "Destination Addiction'. In other words "I'm not happy now because XYZ hasn't happened yet but as soon as XYZ happens, then, THEN, everything will be right with the world". I've been like that forever but the circumstances of the past 3 years; waiting to visit Paul, waiting to get my Visa, waiting to marry Paul, waiting to get my Green Card, has pushed my addiction right over the freakin' edge. That, in combination with raging hypochondria that has also been pushed to the top of the heap now that I'm in a country without free health care and am currently uninsured. And in combination with not feeling well and running a fever for several weeks now (hypochondria? Maybe, but what if its not? You see the problem?) has pushed me into a bit of a funk. I have the Green Card now so now I should be happy! Its what I've been waiting for! But my mind doesn't work that way. I -want- to be happy, but I'm so anxious about all the above stuff all the time that I can't catch the happiness. I can even get sad about things that I've never experienced. For example, when watching movies about the 60's or hearing music from that decade, I frequently feel nostalgic for that era. This, despite the fact that I wasn't born until '72 and also, the 60's were not, you know, ideal in terms of there being a war and stuff. Hello?
Anyway, I needed to kind of write this out so thanks for reading it. I want to be happy. I have a fabulous husband and two terrific dogs and a green card that will enable me to work within the next 2 months or so. But even now as I wrote that, I was going to add 'as soon as I go to the doctor and she determines why I have a fever and feel so dizzy and yucky, then I'll be ready to be happy'. There's always something. Always. So, until heaven, I'm gonna have to figure out a way to be happy where I'm at. Bad grammar and all.
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By the way, lately Paul and I have been heading out to the pool late at night. I guess that its
-technically- closed at 10, but the gate is still open and its so lovely and dark and quiet that we've really been growing fond of our pool dates. Yesterday I relearned how to float and was able to tread water for about 10 seconds at a time. This is HUGE for me. I'm determined to learn, if not how to swim, at very least how to be comfortable enough in the water that my future children don't catch my water phobia. Treading water is HARD, by the way! Shut up!
9 comments:
Once you get a job it will help. I was going CRAZY in NL while I was unemployed and found all sorts of ridiculous things to put on my to do list and then worry about. Once I got a job and met new friends of my own and started contributing to the household I calmed WAY down. It's weird cause...work sucks!
Reba
Oh, lady... can I tell you that I'm praying for you?
Things will even out, and will fall into place. But Anon is right--it may very well be that you've got too much time on your hands :)
Thinking of you, it's been too long since I've been able to sit down and post....
Thanks folks. I think you're right...making some money and having some real live friends would help a lot and that will come, eventually.
And let me tell you, the girl, you can always tell me that you're praying for me :) I appreciate it loads and I'm looking forward to your next post.
Actually, let me add more to that, the girl. The fact that you and I have bonded over the internet through a handful of emails and mutual blog readings enough that we pray for each other is totally huge. Its an unexpected and wonderful gift.
I'd take it a step further and say it's also probably time for some therapy. Clinical Depression doesn't just get better by itself, or even when coupled with pills. And as someone who went through it herself, and watched other friends wallow in it, it gets the point where you're kind of comfortable in your misery, even if you think that's a ridiculous statement. It is just easy to be sad. It takes a lot of effort to pull out of it, and hell, when you're depressed, you're always fucking tired!
I still think there's some stigma in the US about therapy, but screw that. There are always mental health services in your community that are free-close to free, but you have to search them out. They usually make you cough up some pay stubs to prove just how broke you are, but that's worth your time.
And I agree about the job thing, cause Beau and I are still in that boat, and it is just KILLING us. Having a focus like that will change things dramatically.
I definitely agree that it is time for therapy. After years of on and off depression you would think that I would be more readily willing to admit that it is back, eh? I feel less -depressed- than I used to but more -anxious- so if/when I'm able to go to a therapist I will focus on that. Also I have been pill-free for over a year now so if it is time to start something new, I would be amenable to that.
There IS still a stigma attached to depression and anxiety and medication for those things and therapy and I think that's the saddest thing ever. Mental diseases are just as real as physical ones and they cause just as much pain and they're not 'your fault' anymore than, say, asthma, is your fault. Whatever help I can get, I will take. I just have to suck it all on up and start working on getting better AGAIN. I wanted to think that this was all over and I'm slow to admit that its back again.
Yeah, I have a weird belief that we're OVERmedicated and at the same time, think people OVER-refuse medication when it could really help their lives. I know that Zoloft is prescribed both as an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pill, so maybe that'll help.
I also am a big believer in talk therapy, though I know it's a difficult game - you really gotta find a therapist that not only has a style/philosophy/approach that works well with you, but also their personality should somewhat jive with yours as well. Tough!
Yes, I agree with you on both counts; too many people take too many pills and too many people live in misery because they refuse to get pills.
As for talk therapy, I am a huge believer in that, but i had been holding off in the belief that it would cost a bloody fortue. Once I am physically well again, I will totally look into that.
Thanks, folks :)
I'm always late to these...
I didn't hit therapy until I had the thought that driving my truck off the Huffman Dam would be a good idea.
At that point, well...you tend to look differently at therapy and Lexapro :) Heehee!
I hated it and loved it at the same time--it made me stronger--but it was painful.
At any rate--we're behind you.
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