Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking

So, I guess its time to tell you all a little more of what's going on here. I'm pretty much full on depressed again, although I am slightly more optimistic about it this time since it is situation driven rather than random. Trying to keep our lives from falling apart is, quite literally, a full time job for me. Every single day there is a piece of mail, a note on the door, a phone call etc that threatens to be a big mess for us (usually financial) and that mess has to be cleaned up. As often as not, its all a big mistake, but I still have to make phone call after phone call after fax after fax to get it cleaned up. Back when I lived alone I was truly unhappy but my life was so well ordered. Predictability was the motto that I lived by. There is none of that now. We are constantly on the verge of total collapse. I'm not sure why...some of it has to do with poor financial decisions in the past, but not all of it. So, keeping us semi-partially-slightly together is keeping me more busy and more tired than you would believe.

Our sickness is getting somewhat better but because of it and waiting on the possible job and move to Tennessee and other things, our feeling of LIFE ON PAUSE continues. This is a terrible, terrible feeling and I hope that you never have to experience it. Recently, I looked up some of the symptoms that I was continuing to feel and the web popped up with this diagnosis: peri-menopause. 'Ha-ha', I said to myself! 'I'm only 35!' I went to laughingly tell Paul that and he went, and I quote, 'huh, maybe that is it'. So, then I went to phone my mom and tell her the funny joke and she said, and I quote 'ah-ha! That could be it'. Weeks later I went to the doctor and told him my symptoms and he said, and I quote 'could be the beginning of menopause'.

I am THIRTY-FIVE years old and if I'm beginning menopause I will be the saddest, most pissed off woman in the history of the world. Here's the next part of the story. In spring Paul and I decided that, although we were not financially stable, we were going to have to try and get pregnant now or it would never happen. We figured that everybody else (seemingly) has a baby by accident so we better do this now or never, money be damned (and we were insured). We tried for 5 months unsuccessfully and then I got sick. We decided after a month of illness that we better start using contraceptives again because we A) didn't know what was wrong with me at first and B) I didn't have the energy to be pregnant or have a child. We are still using protection even as my age creeps upward at an alarming rate (are you supposed to age a year every month?) and a medical professional are speculating the onset of menopause. We want a child. Badly.

So, that's it in a nutshell. We are in a constant state of impending chaos, we are very deeply in debt, we do not have enough money to get many things that we need and can never get things that we want, we are in a bare shell of an apartment because we don't want to set things up or decorate since we may soon (please God) be moving, we are waiting on the possibility of moving to either Tennessee or Chicago (long story...) for good, we are both almost constantly ill and time ticks down as our baby lust ratchets steadily up.

And, amazingly, that's not even all of it! I, personally, think I have a right to be depressed! But, as I said, this depression is less frightening than the random kind because I believe that this kind will improve as our situation improves. If our situation improves. (See, that last sentence? That's the depression talking.)

I have been working very hard at improving myself and trying to change our situation. And there is some good stuff going on too which I will write about a bit later. But, I wanted to try and explain why I am the way I am right now. Times are tough for so many of you out there in the blogosphere and I love that you can support me and I can support you and we can all go through our own trials and tribulations together. Hopefully soon we can all go through some new joys and fulfilled wishes together.