I am absolutely overwhelmed lately with a desire to change, with a craving to learn, with a need to serve a purpose in this world. It is at times wonderful and joyous as I acquire a new ability. It is at other times painful and heartwrenching as I realize I don't have the money, energy or inspiration to know where to do good. One half of me wants to change myself and then change the world, but then the other half of me wants to lie on the couch like Andy Capp (does that reference make me ancient?) and watch The Biggest Loser and eat icy wafers (bitterly ironic, no?)
For days I have tried to formulate this post in my head and I don't know where to begin...that first paragraph is, looking back at it though, a remarkably good encapsulation of my current headspace and yet I know that to most of you it will be rather vague.
Many of you, I'm sure, feel like I do; that you have so damn much potential and nowhere to put it. Or, more accurately, no knowledge of where you should be putting it. I find myself DVRing tons of shows lately, but very few sitcoms and hour dramas, and more shows from the book learnin' type channels. On the list right now, waiting for me to watch, are a show about the endangered manatees (watched a few minutes already and BAWLED), a show about where the Ark of the Covenant might be (Africa, apparently), and a show about what its like to be a Jew in America today. I suddenly want to learn and to do new things and to help the world. But good Lord, I don't know where to begin - my own life is mostly in a shambles, how can I try to help others?
I'm always seeing Dr. Phil and other TV psychologists and psychiatrists etc. saying 'the root of your problem is anger, what are you so angry about?' And I know that that is my problem too; anger at the pain and injustice and hunger and war in the world...and anger that all I have the energy to focus on is affording meals with vegetables in them, preventing my dogs from pooping on the floor and keeping myself from lying in a heap and wailing.
I've lost 30 pounds in the last 8 months or so and I'm eating so much healthier; I eat vegetables now (okay, well purees hidden in other things), I avoid most of my allergic-to foods, I drink only water (my insatiable cravings for Diet Coke are almost totally gone, the two litre bottle of it in the fridge has gone very flat). We've paid off thousands of dollars in debt in the past 3 years as well, accumulated no more (except for the doctor bills from the past few months) and raised Paul's credit score by around 50 points so far. I'm doing devotions more regularly and talking to God more. I'm actively striving to 'fix' my mental and physical health. I have my green card and Social Security number after years of work. These are just some of my accomplishments of the past few years and yet it all seems so very, very insignificant. After all that I'm still sick, in my body and my mind, we're still hideously in debt and perpetually broke etc. And, after all that, does any of that even matter when the world is going to hell in a handbasket in so many ways. Geez.
I'm not...sad (for lack of a better word) about all of this, I'm edgy, jumpy, foot-tappingly restless. How do I best serve myself, my husband, my God, my world? Should I even be thinking about the rest of the world when my own life is so chaotic? Is that exactly when I should be thinking globally? I have to DO SOMETHING, but what? Therapists are really expensive, but this blog is free so at least I can write it down.
2 comments:
Jenn: how much do i love queen!!! one of my first records was queen - a night at the opera. if you don't have it, you should get it. also, did you know that brian may is the chancellor of a liverpool university and has a doctorate in astrophysics?
plus, i think freddie mercury might have been one of the most fascinating people to meet ever.
in re the other stuff... first off, figure out what you most feel you have to offer and do volunteer work of some kind. it is extremely rewarding and you have a car now.
Jenn: You have accomplished much in your life. You are a loving wife, daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law, and I imagine because I don't know for sure, niece, cousin, friend, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law...just think of all the women in the world who can't lay claim to being any of those things except a daughter to someone (not that just being a daughter isn't an accomplishment in and of itself!) The time to fret about the past is when you're my age and you realize that you didn't become the teacher you had always hoped you could have become; didn't get the degree you wanted because you were the oldest daughter and were expected to work after h.s. graduation to help contribute to the household; still have deep dreams of traveling, learning, helping, contributing...could go on and on but then this starts to ramble. Anyway, at your young age, you have accomplished much and you're still young and have much more time to accomplish more things than us old fogies! You're great! Mom2
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