Had my follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday. Treadmill test indicated no heart problems, had another blood test so we can try and figure out why my liver profile is abnormal, most of my physical symptoms remain but are somewhat lessened and without a diagnosis or even possible diagnosis I'm trying to let them just drift to the back of my mind. I did, however, walk away with a prescription (unasked for) for Zoloft.
I was foolishly trying to rely on external factors to make me happy; a job, friends, a baby, money, a husband, etc. to make me not depressed and since I only have one out of five of those things it wasn't working. I haven't filled the prescription yet, I don't want to...but I guess I'll have to. Paul really wants me to as he doesn't have much experience with depression and I think he has pretty much reached the end of his patience rope with me. And I guess I want to too...I don't know. I won't start this weekend anyway since Paul will be out of town LARP-ing. Next week though I guess I'll give it a shot.
I knew the depression was on an upswing again lately; partly because of circumstances (horrible money news again as well as the above mentioned factors) and partly because I recognize some of the symptoms that I get. For me, one of the major symptoms is that I start stripping my life down even barer than it already is. Stuff gets thrown away (even though I may kind of want it again later), the house gets cleaned and pared down ruthlessly. Even my bookmarked internet links and Facebook profile etc get absolutely torn down because I can't stand having anything extraneous around. I have done so much research on depression in my lifetime but this is not a symptom that I have read about before, its just my own experience. I wonder if its common.
So that's where I'm at. Could be worse but the depressed mind doesn't see that does it?
8 comments:
Speaking from experience...fill it.
Let it do its job, and when you're feeling more up to par, you can start dealing with things.
I know where you're coming from, Lady. Hugs and prayers to you.
As someone who has also had experience, I would say not to fill it. I found myself feeling very "detached" (not quite the right word, but it'll do). When they say it evens you out, I found that to be true in the sense that I wasn't ever quite sad, but never quite happy either. And when you finally stop taking it, you get the zaps (google it to find out what that means) and I found I actually felt worse than I did before I started taking it. My 2 cents worth.
A proper dosage of an Anti-D will not make you "flat", it will make you feel like yourself again. If you feel "flat", then you're on the wrong dose or the wrong type or drug.
They also won't fix all your problems, they won't make you happy or make you feel like everything is all perfect and shiny--it's up to you to fix your problems once your chemistry realigns and allows you to clearly focus.
I had no ill effects when I was taken off of Lexapro, none whatsoever. My appetite was back, my spirits were up, I smiled more, and I was much more able to handle the issues that sank me into the depression to begin with. I was hopeful and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Things were not perfect or smooth, but I knew that it was up to me to make the changes, and I would not have had the strength to do so prior to being on the medication.
I'm hearing you... Depression is really yuck... :(
Yeah, see...interesting points of view here. I've been on at least 6 different antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs in the last 12 years or so and there where times when I thought they were helping and times when I was sure that they weren't.
Stopping the drugs was the hardest thing I've had to do...harder than quitting smoking or Diet Coke and those were HARD! The withdrawal was unbearably painful. Starting the antidepressants and then changing the cocktail constantly while trying to find something that worked was dreadful and I would have to call up friends I had who had done the illegal sorts of drugs to ask them how to 'maintain' while feeling so high.
I stopped though because I was still depressed and yet filling my body every day with expensive, side-effecty drugs. But I feel much sadder and anxiouser and tenser now so it may be time to start again.
Kev, I feel STRONGLY that the girl is right when she says the drugs shouldn't make you feel 'flat'. You were on the WRONG DRUGS or at the wrong dosage if you felt that way. I know someone else who is like that on her meds she says that she 'can't cry' etc. and that is not the way you should feel AT ALL! Your doctor should have encouraged you to change your dosage or switch to another pill altogether.
Antidepressants, and believe me, I have a lot of experience, should bring you back to the person you were before the depression. If they don't, or at least get you partway, switch or stop.
All that being said, I'll probably start again next week. Thanks much for your input!
Found you through a blogher ad on Flutter's blog. Weird I know.
Here's my two cents and no, you didn't ask for my opinion but here goes anyway.
I've been dealing with depression for almost forty years, I'm forty-five now.
What works best for me is a low dosage of anti depressants, hard exercise and meditation.
There are two books I'd like to recommend as well.
The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt and
Feeling Good by David Burns
These two books deal with cognitive behavior therapy which has helped me more than anything.
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.
Oops, missed your comment, Deb.
I appreciate the input and I'm still deciding what to do really...I did fill the prescription for Zoloft today but I still haven't taken a pill. Such tough decisions!
And I have read 'Feeling Good'! I forgot about it actually I'll have to try and dig it up in the pile o'
books.
I've been on Zoloft for about 8 months now. I felt like I was ready to go off, but my doctor says she doesn't take anyone off until at least a year, because in her experience people tend to relapse more often otherwise.
And Kevin, I am taking this stuff AND I get the zaps! EVERY DAY! Usually when I'm walking. They really bother me, but I don't know what to do about it.
I'm still a "fan" of anti-depressants though, because i believe they take you from a life that is just unbearable, to one where you can at least function somewhat normally and work to get your shit together. They're an unpredictable lot of drugs though, that's for sure.
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