***Large portion of text deleted due to extreme cynicism that no one needs to read about***
Anyway, this is just because...ta-da...we have no money, so I have been out of pills for almost 3 weeks now. No pills, none. My body and mind are going through withdrawal from the lack of chemicals that they have been given for more than a decade. I didn't want to say anything til now, cause I am trying so hard not to ' be a burden'. But I don't think I can hide it anymore. Its's not the crushing sadness that it used to be. Now its more jealousy and anger and fear etc. I hate everybody. It sucks. I'm trying to keep how bad it is from Paul, and i think I can safely say it here though, since he doesn't generally read this. Its bad. I spend about, maybe 1 hour a day crying and about another 4-6 trying not to cry. I'm FUN! I keep complaining that I have no one to talk to, but in fairness, I'm not trying to talk to people either, cause I know that everyone is goddamn sick of my depression.
Paul is starting his training as a headwaiter tonight, so hopefully this will help him make more money. We talked about me going back to Canada for 6 months or something to save some money to help us out. But then we both started crying, we agreed that we would rather be broke and hungry and with each other, than have money but be apart. That's a pretty great blessing. Paul and Smeagol have carried me through this time without my pills. If I didn't have them...I can't even speculate what would have happened to me in the last three weeks.
Paul and I also both have the stomach flu, by the way. Neither of us could sleep last night, then after about an hour of sleep, our roommate woke us up cause he had an appointment that he had to get to and his girlfriend was too sick to drive him as planned. So, even though we were also sick and Paul had to work tonight, we drove him and sat there in the car grumpy and pathetic for 2 hours while we waited for him. Then we went back to bed and mostly held each other and shivered in between launching ourselves at the bathroom. I was lucky enough to get to stay in bed then, but he had to get up and serve food all evening. I'm so worried about him :(
3 comments:
I hope things get settled down for you soon, and I do know how it is, I've been there. Hubby's depression still comes and goes, and he's not missed any meds at all. I wish I had the right words to give you a pick me up, but I don't think I do. I live every day saying, "It's gotta get better some day" but I doubt that's what you want to hear. Hang in there.
Just a thought, have you asked your Doc for office samples of your meds to tide you over? Mine did that for me, once upon a time.
Jenna, I feel for you. I would think that having a spouse with depression would be almost as bad as having it yourself. By the way, congrats on your tax refund! I think getting your boy's initials or footprints or something would be awesome, cause he will always be your son, so you could never regret that tattoo. And 'the girl', I do agree, that would be a great idea, except for since I'm in the States right now, I have to pay for the doctor's visit and that's more expensive than the meds! :( But I have done that before, doctors seem like they are generally more than happy to fling samples at you. I -like- that!
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