I watched a show last night about the differences between the brains of men and women. Things like whether there is a real, scientific reason for men not wanting to ask directions or women going to the bathroom in groups. There was a lot of interesting information, like the fact that women on average use 20 000 words per day but men typically use 7000. Scientists were on one side or the other ; either showing 'absolute' evidence, like brain scans proving that women are better at language skills and men better at science skills or showing that it was all nurture based and that there was no genetic reason for these differences.

(They also had an interview with Jenny McCarthy. You know how it's often commented on that women tend to think that they are hideous even when they are supermodels and men tend to think that they are supermodels even when they are, well, not? Well, Ms. McCarthy, who I have never liked more, said that she cannot BELIEVE that she was once confident enough to pose for Playboy because now she won't go to bed without a bra on because she is so embarrassed about her breasts and the rest of her body. Imagine!)

I have always been fascinated by this sort of thing (which is weird, since I did so horrendously badly in my sociology class in college. I still can't for the life of me remember what 'hegemony' means.) so I watched the show with great interest, prompting Paul to utter something that he says a lot 'What on earth are you watching?' It also prompted me to think of something that I have noticed about women lately.

A week or two ago Paul and I were watching tv and there was a commercial for the Spin Spa which was this cool spinning shower scrubby that you could order for $20. I commented that I had seen the commercial and I thought it was really awesome. Paul casually said 'well, go ahead and use my credit card'. I kind of gasped and said that of course I wouldn't waste $20 on that, that it was just an idle yen. He said, 'nono, go ahead, you deserve nice things'. And I started bawling. The fact that someone thought I deserved nice things was more than I could handle.

Then Paul told me today about something that happened with one of his female friends. He was conversing with her about the fact that she felt she could never be happy or loved. He suggested seeing a doctor etc but she seemed unresponsive. He said, again, casually, 'well you should check out a doctor or psychiatrist or something because you deserve to be happy'. And she started bawling too.

I've noticed this a lot with us girls. We don't believe that we have the right to be happy or comfortable or well taken care of (by ourselves or someone else) and when somebody suggests that we have that right we are overwhelmed. I think that we are overwhelmed because we don't know what to do with that suggestion. And this becomes doubly true when a woman becomes a mother, then, her needs are suddenly even farther toward the bottom of the list.

These past 3 years or so, I have spent little time working towards my future financial security. But a whole lot of time working towards my emotional, spiritual, romantic and physical security. And I feel a lot better for it. Now, the time has come to work on providing financial security for my new little family and the future little ones that will, God willing, come to us. It's scary. But, I deserve nice things, not objects - but a nice life, and I will keep telling myself that until I believe it.