Baby Making Month Number Four and other Life Updates

So, you know how you make a baby, right? And you know how doing that is fun? No, its actually not. Sex is fun. Making-A-Baby-Sex not so much. Its hard to, say, lie back and relax when your biological clock is clanging like Big Ben in your head. My OB/GYN says that everything at first glance and first test looks fine and Paul is going in for a physical this week, and we have only been trying for four months - a millisecond compared to how long some couples have to try - but we are not feeling too positive. The OB says that in another month or two we can begin official testing since I am trying to have a 'late-in-life' baby (what kind of biological joke is it that THIRTY FIVE is late in life?) Paul and I have talked about our options and are prepared to do whatever it takes but it is difficult to not be pessimistic since everything in our life is always so difficult. My family is constantly amazed how things that take other people an hour take us a week and things that take others a month take us a year. In the end, we often get what we have strived for - but usually at great cost and after a great deal of time. My whole life has been that way, don't even get me started.

It does NOT help that my only sister-in-law is pregnant with her third and my only adult niece is pregnant with her second. There are people, too, who do not understand the difference between being envious and wishing it was me versus not being happy for the sister-in-law or niece. I wish those two women, my family, the very best, the happiest pregnancies and the healthiest children - but that doesn't mean that I can't cry with frustration and envy that the thing I have always wanted most in life is not happening - yet. And wouldn't it be great for all three of us to be pregnant at the same time? Alas, not yet.

It also doesn't help that, although I know that there are millions of women around the world who struggle for months or years to get pregnant, some at a cost of tens of thousands and some who never succeed, I don't know anyone like that. No one. Every woman in my family and amongst my friends has gotten pregnant in short order when trying or without even trying at all. Oops! I know that lots of people struggle, but no one that I know, that I can talk to.

I've, of course, stopped taking my Ativan. Its totally worth it, but shee-it is it difficult. My tension level is through the roof, my jaw is always clenched and I pretty much don't sleep anymore. Between the no Ativan at night and the extreme tension and anxiety that is part of me and the trying to remember to take my basal body temperature while still 'half asleep' and before having gotten up to pee or anything, sleep is pretty elusive. Plus I get a lot of headaches and body aches from my Mystery Illness and I can't take Advil so that doesn't help either. In the end, though, I'm willing to go through anything and everything to have a child. Doesn't mean I can't complain though!

We're doing everything we can, eating healthier, getting more exercise, taking prenatal vitamins, you name it, and hopefully it will pay off. We are so ready and so hopeful - four months isn't a long time to try after all - its just that we are so worried that this venture will go the way our other ventures have. We will have a baby one day, whether our biological child or not and for now, that desire is keeping us going.

In other update-y type news; my job did not work out as you may have already guessed. There were numerous reasons on both sides but it was not meant to be. It was good experience to get me back out there and I earned some money (although, shit, not much, especially since I had to clean toilets at the end of the night) but it was not something that was going to last. I am looking for something else but there are fairly slim pickings around here. I've had two other interviews so far and although they went well, neither panned out. I will keep trying.

Paul's job is going well although we're not sure for how long. He is doing great and is getting lots of praise, but the company has recently let go a significant portion of their staff and eliminated a lot of bonuses etc. The worst part so far is that the raise he was told he was going to get (a good one that we were SO counting on) is now not coming. The job is great and the company is pretty good, but in this economy, sheesh. We are crossing our fingers and praying a lot. At least though, Paul has been there for more than half a year now and has built up a great rapport with his superiors, so if the job does end, he will have experience using his degree and good references.

Our townhouse has gone from bad to worse since we got neighbours. Our unit is lovely and spacious but we have struggled since we moved in to get the owners to fix things. They simply don't return calls. Even when rain was quite literally pouring into our bathroom from the roof and mold was growing rampant we couldn't get them to help. Eventually they fixed the most critical issues but the semi-serious issues (like a toilet that is just RESTING on the floor instead of being ATTACHED to the floor) remain. We could live with that to a degree especially since the two middle units were empty and the people in the other end unit were okay. But last month both middle units filled up and, Lord help me, the ones next to us are awful. Waffles regularly gets so scared by the noise that they make (it sounds like constant, random banging on our connecting wall) that he has to run upstairs and hide under the covers. They wake me up at all hours of the night (and sleep is a damn precious commodity to me!) and are just noisy and generally obnoxious all day. There are at least six people living there that we know of and they leave their stuff all over and fill the back yard with their cars and they are just awful. We are fairly confident that we could break the lease without penalty though if we needed to, so I am continuing to look for something better. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go look at a little, old house with a yard for $100 bucks less per month than we pay here, so fingers crossed!

What else...the dogs are well. Waffles continues to become better trained and we adore him in a probably unhealthy way. Both Paul and I tend to sit and stare at him for minutes on end. He is SUCH a good looking, strong dog and so wonderfully gentle that he just breaks our hearts. When I give out treats Smeagol will snatch the bit of food from my hand no matter what I say or do. Waffles, with his powerful jaws and 32 pounds of pure muscle, will sit down and take the bite with the utmost care - never nipping my fingers. He is our pride and joy. We can't say enough good about him. He does have a strong separation anxiety though - I'll post some pictures in the next week or two so you can see what that anxiety makes him do.

Hopefully, God willing, I will find a new job soon...I feel so terrible that I am not helping my family financially. It feels dreadful to see Paul off to work every day - never late, never sick, always accepting overtime - and not be able to contribute as well. But, in the meantime, I check the web for hours every day - jobs for me, better jobs for him, houses for rent, fertility advice, healthy recipes. And I have the time to keep an immaculate home, make elaborate and healthy meals, walk the dogs three times a day etc. I'm rarely bored - although the OCD tendencies help with that a lot - the house is never clean enough so there's always something to do.

That's what's going on with us...thanks for reading folks, a few weeks ago I got my advertisements fully functional and got my first check the other day and truly enjoyed going to deposit it into our bank account. I hope you all keep reading and keep clicking on the ads if they interest you and hopefully I can continue to post content that is at least vaguely interesting. Smooches to you all.