Gone

In the spirit of the tremendous support that I've gotten from some of my readers in past times of crisis, I'm going to share something that I never, ever wanted to have to share.

Paul and I had a wonderful six days this past week. I took a pregnancy test a week ago Sunday and it was positive. Then I took two more and they were positive too. It was the happiest day of our lives. On Saturday, though, I began to get cramps and bleed and I had to go to the ER. At the ER they told us that they had seen the gestational sac on our ultrasound and prescribed me progesterone to help me maintain the pregnancy. By the time we got home though there was a message on our answering machine that they had mixed me up with someone else and that there was no evidence of a pregnancy remaining on my ultrasound and that the prescriptions were for the other woman who still had her child. We went to the OB today and were told that the baby was probably gone and that I was in the process of miscarrying. For some this is more of a rapid process than others, for me it has been four full days of bleeding and discomfort and that may continue for another week or even more.

I never dreamed I would have to say this but we were pregnant and we lost our child. Please bear with me in the next little while as our grief is almost more than we can handle. We will continue to hope and pray and try but God feels very distant from us right now and we wish sometimes that we could understand his ways a little better. It is difficult to understand how God decides who should be blessed with a baby and when. It is difficult too, sometimes, to believe that God isn't 'angry' with me or with us when life has been so hard.

Please pray for us if you believe in that kind of thing...pray that we will be able to come to terms with this, pray that we will get pregnant again and, please, that the bleeding and pain will end soon so that if this is going to be over it will be over soon.